Struggling to adjust to boyfriend moving in

[Poirot1983]

Together 5 years, LDR (2 hours). Saw each other at least every 3 weeks, usually for a long weekends. His job meant that he was able to stay at my house for 2-3 weeks periods sometimes so we have moved in together gradually. We are both 52. Son at home aged 18, gets on very well with partner.

I just feel so tired and he is tired because of long hours working (from home mostly). We have argued a little and I am noticing habits that I didn't before (I am a person who gets very easily irritated by people's habits that are in close proximity to me a lot so I think this is a 'me' problem). I am also finding it hard adjusting to sleeping in bed with him, he 'twitches' and snores a bit. We are so used to having our own space and beds, I guess.

I suppose I would just like to know if an adjustment period is normal. We are happy and very compatible and I don't question that but I feel kind of claustrophobic is the only way I can describe it (and he does have his own office in the house so it's not as though we are in the same room a lot).

Any words of wisdom welcome!

Would you not rather stay living in your own properties and enjoy dating without the domestic drudge and fighting?

The happiest sector of society are single, childfree women.

If I were you I would be protecting my peace, property, and bliss of being man-free, and just going on dates if they enhanced my life.

Whatever you do, don't put the boyfriend on your deeds!

I think it's normal to have a period of adjustment when you're used to having your own space and getting used to sharing your bed every night is bound to be a bit difficult. Living with someone else takes compromise....and patience!

I've been a single parent for 15 years, I'm 51, I am not really interested in dating. If that changed I wouldn't live with someone. I like my own space, my own bed (apart from the cat who also irritates me sometimes). It's a massive change to go through. Have you spoken to him about this? Not sure what you could do about the snoring and twitching unless you have separate beds - or ear plugs? As another person has said, keep the property in your name. Just in case. Good luck!

It's a tricky one. I've recently split with my partner and we'll be moving into our own places soon. At this point I'm not sure I would want to live with someone again. Like you, I'm quite sensitive to other people's habits and can be easily annoyed, but also I just like my own space. If you keep your own places then you can spend as much time as you want together, but you'll have somewhere to escape to if/when you need it (and avoid the daily drudgery that comes with co-habiting).

Can you go back to separate properties? You don’t have to live together.

I had an adjustment period when I moved in with my partner and I do think that’s normal.
i remember coming “home” from work the first couple of nights, having a lie down on the bed in the dark with the cat (who’d moved with me) and thinking, “what have I done!”

I was very good at living alone, was happy dating my partner but eventually it did feel like moving in together was the next step. Unromantically, it made sense financially, too.
I was about 48 at the time.

I do get what you’re saying and only you can know whether it’s in the realm of a natural adjustment period or the sign of something else.

If you’re someone who gets irritated by other people in close proximity then why on earth would you let him move in? I’m similar to you and I can’t imagine anything worse than cohabiting with anyone ever again

I cannot comprehend having finally got your own peaceful property, just as you want it, and then some bloke moves in and fights you. The audacity of him.

Consider the reasons to have a boyfriend (life enhancement, making every single thing easier and fun) and if this man is performing his purpose in your life.

Would separate bedrooms help? It can be a really good thing for couples and allows own private space and good sleep whilst living together.

An adjustment period is normal but I agree with previous posters - I am your age and there is no way I would want someone to move in with me. I like my space.

Can he buy the house next door?
Failing that separate bedrooms at least. Also can you put it on trial? Say three months and then review it.
I hope he owned his property and hasn’t got rid of it.
You need your own space and there’s nothing wrong with that.

This would be my first thought too

Yep, definitely decant him to a separate bedroom, if you can...I am very happily married but nope, wouldn't have been if we'd have to share a room. We both like our own space.

I think adjustment is normal, how much time are you able to be alone? I find myself getting a bit twitchy if dh doesn't go out enough tbh! I like at least an evening a week alone for a bath and some reading or daft tv. I just like walking around the house and feeling the quiet. I wonder if you just need him to get some hobbies!? You obviously can't force him to go out, but maybe see if you can have a night doing separate things until bed every week. I think if he's a shift worker as well, it is harder to adjust, as sometimes he'll be there ALL THE TIME and other times I'm guessing he's not there much or at random intervals. Ultimately if you're both less happy after a few months, there's no shame in a backward step, you don't need to set up home together or follow any pre set path.

I think this would be a good idea, provided they have room. As she has 18 year old living with her even if it is 3 bedroom it could be a small room though. Lots of longtime married people start doing the separate room thing due to snoring etc.

An adjustment period is normal, and as it was a LDR I don't think him moving out again is the answer.

Can you think of ways to protect your own space? Eg if you both work from home (is that right?), maybe both of you could spend one day a week working in a local co-working space so that the other one has the house to themselves. In the evenings and weekends, do you have any hobbies that take place outside the home? If not, maybe think of some - swimming? Exercise class? Or just go and sit in a cafe with a book?

@largeprintagathachristie 'i remember coming “home” from work the first couple of nights, having a lie down on the bed in the dark with the cat'

Yes, I completely relate to this!

Some very useful advise and tips here, thank you all.

My DH was PT and worked from home with frequent trips but it was a much bigger adjustment than I expected when he totally retired and was here ALL THE TIME, so maybe give it a bit more time.

This. Though I appreciate that the move has already now happened.

My last relationship of 2 years was exactly this and I so preferred it especially as I’m early 50s and peri and personally even more so need my own space.

Split though after 2 years as my ex was just so desperate for us to live together but by that point the red flags were showing so that was a no go.

My DH has wfh full time since covid lockdown in March 2020 and it was such a shock to my system just having him here all the time on Teams meetings (in our loft conversion). I'm a SAHP but have an unpaid charity volunteering role fostering cats which I also do from home and keeps me very busy on and off throughout the day. Also have DD21 back and forth to Uni and DS17 in last year of A Levels. The house is far too busy for me lol 😆 occasionally everyone is out and it's just me and my cats/foster kittens 🤣💗🐱 and I love it

I'm 50 and peri M too and honestly most people annoy me atm. My DH especially and we got together when we were 20. Fortunately we both gave lots of separate hobbies. I wish I had my own bedroom as he snores a bit and breathes all over me in the night and invades my space 🤣 plus wants to read with his light on when I'm drifting off to sleep - I'm always tired and go to bed early - and he refuses to use a kindle as he's 'on a screen all day' so him rustling the pages keeps me awake 🙄

Hi op living together is hard no matter what you have issues that only you can deal with but living together is massive to a ldr. Give it 6 months then decide if it’s going to work.

The thought of giving up my peaceful home to some bloke makes me die a little inside. I’d be asking him to move straight back out again. Why do you have to live together?

I’m not sure I’d want to live with anyone again if my DH disappeared….

I had lived on my own for years before moving in with him….and I took it very slowly. I disappeared back to my own house frequently in the early days, that got more difficult as I rented it out….so 8 got an allotment to have some alone time. It helped that I talked to DH about it…. Also we got a cleaner!

There has definitely been periods of adjustment for me, but I'm also not sure I would necessarily move in full-time with someone in the future. Unless it's the plan to have children and raise them in the same house, I don't think it has to be the norm