Complicated wedding situation

[Marrrmite]

I got engaged this year to my DP of 6 years. We have a blended family. Unplanned wonderful surprise for me but the kids all knew (happy about it) and kept the secret.

I want to marry him but I am not keen on a wedding. DP has been married before and also not keen on a traditional wedding. ok sounds great on the same page but it’s got so complex and I am so stressed.

One of many reasons I don’t want a big traditional wedding is that I do think it’s a waste of money, of money we don’t have, I would rather we paid off the mortgage or saved for kids future.

We have no big savings pots yet, and although we earn well, we have high outgoings due to cost of living and size of our family, so spare cash is not very abundant and savings are slow.

I don’t want to borrow the money either as it’s not debt I think is wise investment.

Secondly to cost is that we have big families and they are all quite demanding, to have a traditional wedding could end up very stressful and expensive. I work full time in a stressful job the last thing I want to do is plan a traditional wedding ceremony and party that I don’t even want. MIL is very overbearing as it is.

Problem is, DP has a vision of a luxury overseas wedding destination combined honeymoon with all of our DC. We have looked into this cost, it’s out of our budget at the moment it’s at least £10k! Plus you usually have to do the legal bit in the UK.

One of my DC will likely be leaving home next year and going quite far away, and I don’t know how long for, so I feel under pressure to get married next year so I know they can attend our wedding. It’s important to me they came.

The DC all want this luxury trip DP has promised them

Family all trying to get us to commit to a wedding date and traditional wedding

I have suggested just a registry office wedding and maybe a party later, but DP feels this would be drab and boring and we should hold out for something more exciting. I do agree it feels drab compared to the other more exotic suggestion but guess what, we can’t afford that one!

The marriage is more important to me than the wedding but DP has this vision in his head, it sounds nice but feels out of reach. Currently feeling like I don’t want to get married at all and just stay engaged and forget about it.

WWYD

I don’t think it needs to be complicated. What your families want and what DP has promised the kids is secondary. The priority is for you and DP to get on the same page with what works for you.

It sounds like you want to be married asap and even DP’s plan requires this so I’d be floating a registry office with you and the DC with no “fluff”- family can come if they want but only of they respect it’s not a full blown wedding.

Then you can do DP’s fancy holiday/honeymoon with the kids if that’s so important to him but you should be on the same page about budget and maybe he needs to be flexible on timeline to make the budget work. As you’d be already married, there’s no urgency to this, could even wait until your DC returns.

How about renting a lovely big holiday house with nice gardens etc somewhere in the UK and getting married at the registry office there. No flights so should be a bit cheaper.

Does the wedding abroad need to cost that much or can you trim it down? We got married abroad last year for 6.5k - just over 4k on the holiday for 7 of us and just over 2k for the wedding. And the legal bit was included abroad. We booked a package with The Wedding Travel company and they can look at various options to fit your budget if that helped??

This has highlighted the fact that the two of you are on different pages financially and your outlooks are so different it might become a big incompatibility.

He's cool with splurging, you want to save for the future.

We have no big savings pots yet, and although we earn well, we have high outgoings due to cost of living and size of our family, so spare cash is not very abundant and savings are slow.

Hoo boy. Do you have enough emergency savings for an unexpected illness or job loss or expensive home repair? How are your pensions?

When you say spare cash is not abundant and savings are slow, how does he plan on financing this vacation for a bunch of people?

@outerspacepotato I have a good pension and we are both insured up to the hilt, which is sort of why we are taking a hit on our income as much is going on insurance as I feel it’s too risky not to in this climate. We have a big mortgage as we need a big house. Yes he is a spender - always wanting a new car! I am happy with an older banger.

Generally no issue what he does with his own money as we put equal amounts onto one big household pot, then keep the rest of our salaries for ourselves. But we have had some expenses out going on our house which took our savings so need to rebuild those. An expensive wedding wasn’t in my 2026 savings pot plans 😂

Hmm depends on the issue - an appliance we could afford
but not a whole new boiler or something
we have a relatively new house so it’s lower risk but not risk free

I agree with newrubylane, marriage can take place anywhere in Scotland. You could choose a beach, ruined castle or fabulous gardens. The choice is unlimited.

Weddings abroad place such a financial stress on people who want to attend. Please do the UK location - there are some really fabulous big properties you could make your own for the weekend, and it would be so much more relaxed.

Good luck OP!

“Elope” to Gretna green.

It’s “Traditional” to not take anyone with you so parents and other relatives can really complain, it’s been done a million times and it's nice there.

Have the oldest kids as witnesses if they are of age. (Obviously take them with you) Stay the weekend and tell everyone what you did on Monday. Have a family party if you want, it’s cheaper than a wedding.

Save for honeymoon/holiday with the kids. Tell DH no new car if he was planning that and that saving itself will pay for the holiday.

I would book the overseas wedding for 2028. Check that your eldest can get that time off. Save up monthly to pay it.

Our DS + DIL married in a beautiful romantic hotel in Cornwall: Just the 2 of them with hotel staff as witnesses. Big party near home a few days later in an old pub with all the family and friends, children running round, games to play and disco.

DIL had worn a white lace wedding dress with flowers in her hair. Apparently it was a fine warm day, so lovely photos of just the two of them.

Agree with this. What about a registry office do with the kids, and then a humanist ceremony in à nice garden/forest/beach with family and friends, followed by a bbq? Everyone can help out.
Ask for contributions to the honeymoon holiday instead of gifts, and save up for the rest. 2028 is not so far away! Make it a wonderful holiday as it will probably be the only one where you can all get together, rather than rushed.

I got engaged in September. We are getting married in a registry office in June on a Monday (just 2 witnesses) then off on jol the next day. Simple, cheap no fuss!!

I vote for a registry office wedding, then splashing out on the honeymoon! That way you get a bit of excitement, you don’t have to wait, and you can do it all on a lower budget.