How do I get over this

[Pigsmayflyagain]

Looking for help. DH is dismissive avoidant he had a huge trigger 2 years which he left unresolved and has led to him having a breakdown 3 weeks ago where a lot came out. He is in therapy and says he wants our marriage to work and to be the DH he used to be before the trigger. I only ever wanted that anyway.

2 months ago he met someone and started up a relationship with her. He says he was confused didnt feel anything for anyone including himself so just didnt care about anything. It was all messages and calls but it did get quite real and they shared a lot. It lasted about 5 weeks and it all came out about 3 weeks ago

He says it feels like it was someone anonymous to talk to and validation he probably wasn't getting from me as he was so distant from our family during that time I thought there was nothing more I could do and we would separate.

How do I get over this? I find myself obsessing over what they spoke about, what they shared. I want to support him as we have been together for longer than we havent in our lives and we have children and a life that we've built together. BUT I cant stop thinking about this betrayal and getting angry.

Even though I understand he has issues and is working on them I just keep imaging the times he was speaking to her and planning another life. He lied to her too.

I have no one irl to talk to about this because if we want to stay together I wouldn't want them to know. It is so hard to deal with the hurt of the betrayal alone.

I hope this reads ok any helpful advice appreciated to get me to move on.

Do you genuinely believe he won't ever do it again? If you do forgive him it means you won't be able to bring it up in arguments or use it as a reason not to trust him. Can you go through the rest of your life like that?

I think you need to see a counsellor together, and you see one alone also. Only you know if you can really trust him fully. It may take time and he will need to put in effort to show you he can be trusted. It's a lot.

I wish you well though. I am not sure what I would do in this circumstance in all honesty.

Get rid. The trust is broken

Do you want to get over this? You don’t have to you know. Your post is all about him and his triggers and his breakdown and how he felt. What about you? If what he’s done is unforgivable, you don’t have to forgive him. Look after yourself, you’re not the one who broke this.

You don't say what triggered him or what led to the breakdown - I probably sound unsympathetic but I don't believe there is any excuse for him to start up a relationship with another woman.

What about you? What about your feelings? Who's putting you first? Please don't put aside your own needs and wellbeing for this selfish man.

It can be very difficult and lonely to be in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant. And as you’ve discovered they’re prone to cheating. I’d be gone personally.

Yes, all of this.

"DH is dismissive avoidant"

Is that supposed to be some kind of condition? It sounds very fucking convenient for him. So he was triggered eh? Triggered to the point of wanting to stick his dick elsewhere. Sorry OP, but he sounds like a colossal loser and a self absorbed prick. He won't get any better (he doesn't want to or need to) and all your loving support will only see you get kicked in the teeth. I should start to think about yourself my lovely before you get too much older.

The trigger was something really awful that caused a lot of emotions which he didn't deal with for 2 years and pushed down to ignore but actually took over and he couldn't cope thought he didnt care about anyone or anything including himself. This is why he's in therapy and is working through these issues.

I want to support him for the sake of our family and at first I did ask him to leave but then he saw how bad he'd got and realised he needs to do a lot of work.

He says he's prepared to. I just keep obsessing about this relationship and it's stopping me moving on or doing any of the things I need to do to improve my life

You are right I have completely lost myself trying to help him through the last 2 years and worrying about what's been wrong.

How do I stop thinking about it and manage to concentrate on myself?

Anyone who's managed this please tell me how??

Firstly sorry you are going through this. You don’t have to make any decision now. You don’t have to be the one to fix everything. If I was in your position I would concentrate on yourself. Do want you want to do to be happy. After a while you will then know whether you can forgive him and/or want to be with him still. I’d go to counselling both with and without him. I would be honest with him about how you feel and what you need from him (if that’s answers or time). If he’s not prepared to give you that it’s the decision made for you.

Im in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant who cheated too. After 3 years, I cant get over it, never really know where I stand. His moods and actions are based on his mh
Its been a constant knock to my self esteem and its ground me down wondering if he will do again.
I really would get rid

You can’t and won’t get over this.

Dismissive avoidant people are difficult to have long term relationships with.

Sometimes the reason something feels impossible to get over is simply because we are not supposed to get over it. We are not supposed to accept being treated like this, you deserve better, he deserves what he gets.

He’s not sorry he did it, he’s sorry he got caught. If he wanted to “do the work” he has had 2 years in which to do it, and it’s funny how the cure for a man’s poor mental health often seems to be trying to get into another woman’s knickers!

Don't know what the hell a dismissive avoidant is but the twat appears to be blaming you for his bad behaviour.

"dismissive avoidant" sounds like a polite way of saying "treats me with contempt and disdain" ... certainly he doesn't seem to build respect for you into any of his self-absorbed decisions.

You can do better than this OP, starting with being alone!

OP, it’s not about what he says but what he does.
Sometimes talking is just merely a lip service to shut the other person up. A very convenient excuse to aboud any difficult conversations.

You can’t fix him or change his behaviour. You can only change the way you react to his behaviour.

”For the sake of the family”.
He does what he wants while you shoulder the burden of marriage,family and his “fragile” mh tiptoeing around his moods and triggers.

I suggest you get therapy for yourself to untangle yourself.
Put yourself first as nobody else will.

Best of luck 💐

What is this dismissive avoidant TikTok trendy bullshit?

Surely you mean…a prick.

I have been in a similar situation and it destroyed me. I turned into a paranoid wreck and it consumed every waking thought in my head for years

This is how I'm feeling I wake up and thoughts are immediate and dont stop. You say you were in a similar situation. Are you ok now? What did you do?

Have you found any way to manage it. I feel the same as you, lost myself, ground down. How do we get through it? Are you still working on being together after 3 years?

Unfortunately I couldn't get over it and nothing has felt the same since. We are going are seperate ways x