Codependent mother advice

[codependantmother]

I'm Looking for advice on a situation that’s been going on for a long time. My mum is 71, divorced from my dad since I was young. I’ve one sibling but it seems the problem is only with me.

my mum has always been very attached to me. Not so much as a teen as she had a long term partner but it all escalated when they broke up, 15 years ago.

she has always been emotionally reliant on me. I remember clearly when she would argue with her partner, she always involved me in it. Also was very emotional when I was a teen so she was up and down. Not frequently but when she was down she would cry a lot and we had to walk on eggshells a bit around her. She had great points too. Was always there for me and very loving But was too attached so for example when I told her I wanted to travel when I was about 20 she got so upset and wouldn’t talk about it that I made the decision not to go. Or if partner and her had a fight she would make rash decisions like burst into my room telling me in tears she was leaving him and we were selling the house only for them to have made up a day later. Or another time, when they were breaking up she would ring me crying asking me to speak to him!

she is a very jealous person in relationships which she has told me. Also very insecure, when in relationships she would need a lot of reassurance that they still loved her etc.

just for background she also still so angry with my dad who had an affair and gets jealous when I see him.

anyway the main problem is that now she demands so much of my time. She lives 5 mins from me. I used to have to see her everyday or she would ring saying she missed me so much. I went to a counsellor when things were bad last year to gain boundaries and stretched the visits out to 34 times a week. She always wants to meet in coffee shops so I’d meet her for lunch or go shopping etc. I’m always at the end of the phone when she needs something.

she is 70 now and has mobility issues due to muscle weakness. She has had scans, X-rays to confirm this and every doc has said to her that she needs physio and exercise but she won’t do it. She hasn’t walked or exercised in years which I think contributes the the muscle breakdown. She has severe health anxiety and spends her evenings googling illnesses so every week thinks it’s a different illness and will obsess over it and when I try to reassure her that it’s muscle weakness, she gets really defensive and says I don’t care about her.

i work shift work and do long hours/nights. When I finish nights, I could have up to 5-6 texts from her when I wake trying to meet me and telling me how much she misses me. This week I only did 4 night shifts and saw her on day I started and still had the texts claiming she misses me. I’m so resentful yet don’t have the balls to stand up to her and ask for space.

if she is down, she blames me for her unhappiness saying that she is lonely but there’s anger towards me.

my sibling is able to brush this off and doesn’t carry the guilt like I do. She is worse with me though. I feel sick when I can’t see her and I’m racked with guilt despite seeing her 3-4 times a week plus texts every day.

i feel so smothered I could scream! I want to say something to her but honestly feel panicky even thinking about it. My councellor didn’t really understand me when I couldn’t confront her but this is years of guilt trips. Even now she will tell stories of christmases when we were kids saying she would just cry when we were gone to bed or cry the whole time we were at my dads.

has anyone been through this or understand how I can’t confront her.

I have said it to her in anger a couple of times where I just snapped and broke but she doesn’t change. She says she doesn’t put pressure on me but if I have a busy week and can’t see her she will lay it on me either upset or angry.

she does have health issues so I feel awful. She has friends so does go out every day, it’s not like she is stuck in on her own but she wants me. Even if she has plans and I ring her she will say things like ‘I’ll cancel because I’d rather be with you’ which again makes me feel so fucking smothered!!!

presented with a problem by your mum you say - oh that sounds rough what are you going to do - rather than think it is yours to fix.

This is key. Recognise what is your shit and what is other people’s shit. Because other people’s shit, including your mother’s, is not your shit.

Sweetheart, she is abusive…….. it’s just not the kind of abuse that is obvious, but she is abusing your relationship and your good nature. Have a really long think about the abusive relationship you are in with your mother.

And break free of the guilt and anxiety as they are treading on eggshell emotions caused by an abuser

@redfishcat I know she is abusing my people pleasing-ness but it’s so hard because when she is with me, like she’s really loving and like always tells me how proud she is of me etc like it’s so hard, it’s only when I cross her..

The problem Op is that the only person who can change here or change the situation is you

You want your mum to change. She isn't going to

She can't control you - you are making these decisions yourself, you are choosing to see her - the more you take that on board the sooner you can make different choices.

is it hard? yes. Is it within your power ? yes.

YOu are waiting for something to happen to remove the 'burden of guilt' that you feel - but the only thing that can make a change here is you and your state of mind.

of course the counsellor was confused - you are feeling panicky but there is no real need. It's just your mum, not an ogre - her judgement doesn' matter. Your inner child thinks it matters!

If you need more therapy get it, but in the end you are going to have to make new choices and stop being scared of the outcome.

mine has always been the same way with me, Only difference is I'm an only child and she was never married. She has no hobbies, no friends, no boyfriend, nothing else in her life apart from me and I resent it and her. (i'm 50 for reference)

she relies on me for everything, if she is in a mood she calls me and takes it out on me, if i don't agree with everything she says she screams in my face or gives me weeks long silent treatment. spent my life just doing what she wanted because in my head it was easier to just do it than to take her wrath if i didn't. she has hated every man i have been out with and meddled and got involved so much that they have all left me because they couldn't deal with her.

she says things like 'You get to have a life when i'm dead, that's what a family is' everything i want to do she will jump on it and make it so shit that i just give up and not do it, she said the other day 'i hope you know you will be looking after when when i get older' and something in me snapped, i told her I wouldn't be looking after her and she got so mad she screamed in my face that she only had me for her benefit and i will do what she is asking of me or she will make my life hell..

I will be moving 600 miles away soon, just biding my time, this woman (can't call her my mother) has ruined my entire life and she would ruin the rest of it if i let her.

you need to stand up to her, block her number if you have to, whatever you have to do, you get one life, don't let her waste yours. don't be bitter and resentful like me.

Good luck in your new life phase
💐
Have fun

Blimey she's only 70 but sounds like her lack of looking after her physical health has really taken it's toll.

You're doing all the right things but it takes practice again and again to keep to boundaries.

Look up Terri Cole, she's got lots of resource around boundaries. Books, Podcasts, YouTube linked here. Good place to start.

It is hard , no one is saying it isn’t but the things that give us the most reward are never easy. You can do this I promise.

But crossing her just means you living a life where you put your husband and children first. You don't need to stop seeing her but you do need to stop being at her beck and call and feeling panicky and stressed if you think that you have unintentially upset her.

She isn't a good person if she expects to come first, above your own children, her grandchildren. Her life is built on selfishness and getting her own way. She can afford to be loving towards you because you pretty much always do exactly what she wants, to your own detriment and to the detriment of your DH and your children.

You felt utter panic on the day that you were due to go to your hair appointment and she contacted you about what you needed to do for her as you were on your way to the hairdressers. You ended up missing your appointment for something that wasn't urgent all. It was a test of her power over you.

When she is being loving, it's part of her arsenal of manipulation tactics, designed to keep you in line for fear of her withdrawing her affection.

How is your relationship with your in laws? I suspect you would not allow your husband to behave in the way you behave towards your mother. You are modelling to your sons that the relationship between mother and daughter is the most important relationship. I have a friend with a mother like yours. She was very close to her up until her forties. Her mother moved to live a couple of roads away from her and expected to be with her daughter's family most of the time. Any outings or holidays, her mother went too. If I invited my friend round, she always brought her mother. She has sons too. I remember one year when her mother made the biggest scene about her daughter inviting her recently widowed MIL for Christmas. He mother would get jealous about her daughter having any contact with her in laws. My friend has hated the claustrophobic relationship for the past twenty odd years. Her husband was so pushed out when the children were young. Her adult sons have moved away and her mother is so completely dependent on her. My friend hates it but knows that she supported her mother's behaviour by never standing up to her. My friend is so unhappy but feels it is too late to change. She is increasingly isolated with an eighty odd year old mother permanently dependent on her for everything. She can't easily visit her sons so her relationship with them grows ever more distant. He husband lost patience a long time ago and he has checked out of their relationship.
Don't be my friend. Be determined to put you and your family first. Three to four times a week is too much. Offer twice a week at most. Don't become the Stepford daughter that so many mothers seem to want as they age.
Good Luck.

@Rosesfornoses that’s really interesting and I’ve never thought of it like that. I do try to see her when dh is in work as much as possible.

I met her today, nothing was mentioned and all was fine. But I made a step in the right directions tonight! I was home and she went to my local Aldi and ended up buying an airfryer which of course she couldn’t carry to the car. She rang me and asked would myself or one of my sons go down to help her…I said no 😅 I told her to ask a worker to help her! Normally I would have ran down to help! She won’t be able to get it from car to apt but that’s not my problem! My mind tried to feel guilty but I just didn’t let it and actually got a bit of a kick out of it 😂

I’ve also booked in with therapist for two weeks time.

@Rosesfornoses I meant to say, my MIL is VERY independant. You wouldn’t hear from her for weeks on end. His sisters live abroad so luckily Christmas has never really been an issue. The two years that his family were home for Christmas, we all had Christmas dinner together with my mother. The day itself went fine but two days later my mother came over crying saying that I gave more attention to his family than I did her and that he presented his presents to his mother in a nicer way than I presented hers 😅😅😅 I went mental. I had three young kids at the time, was studying full time and my 6mth old was in hospital right up until Christmas Eve so I snapped at her…she then never apologised but said she was proud of me for being assertive…I don’t know where to go with that one.

we have my mum every year for dinner, she has never cooked for me. Last maybe 3 years I have said we want 26th to ourselves as DH and his friends always meet and we are always exhausted from hosting. My brother and his family came to mine last year with my mum. He had her 26th so wasn’t on her own but she rang me on the morning saying that my brother thinks I don’t love him because I’m not going to his house!!! Totally untrue, my brother is very easy going and I had hosted on Christmas Day…she just wanted to guilt trip me into going even though we had all been together the day before!!!

Things took another turn with my DM yesterday. It was my birthday and she came to mine for cake. Afterwards she said she is really down in the dumps as she hadn’t seen anyone for two weeks. This is not true. I was on night duty for both weekends but still managed to have two visits with her in between the 10 days. On Monday I had woken from my sleep in the afternoon to 3 texts asking to meet and I said o was too tired knowing I would see her anyway yesterday for my birthday. I explained to her that she is lonely because she has no outlets other than me and a couple of friends. It’s also untrue because I know she saw friends /my brother on the days in between so really her issue was that she didn’t see ME as much as normal. She is so self obsessed that she wouldn’t have thought that I was maybe tired after doing the split nights plus other work/course that I did in last 10 days. She agreed to see a counsellor but whether that happens I don’t know. I felt proud for standing my ground and not apologising but feel like shit today as she’s now ignoring my texts this am.

As I said I’m booked to see my own counsellor next week so hopefully will help with the guilt

Even if she goes to a therapist it would be a very long journey for her with the strategies she has adopted to keep control. I actually suspect she would use a therapist to validate why you should be doing more for her, that is what our version of your brother had done with us.

I suggest your entire focus is on learning to reframe the guilt, hold the emotions, hold your boundaries, not trying to have her come out of your interactions in control. She is not going to be happy either way but you need autonomy.

Yes interestingly, she went to see a dietitian through her hospital for kidney disease. I offered to go with her, but she said she was fine. She came back saying that the dietitian said we should be cooking for her each day!

My plan with the therapist is to focus on my reactions this time as I know now she will never change

I think your mother outright lied to you re what the dietician said. You only have her word for it and she shows you time and time again that you are supposed to always be at her beck and call.

People pleasing is a problem in its own right and often stems from wanting to parent please a difficult or otherwise emotionally absent parent. She installed these FOG buttons and you need to remove these for your own emotional well being and development.

Drop the rope here and make yourself far less available to your mother going forward. Keep up with the therapy too.

Thank you @AttilaTheMeerkati know…I really need to work on the people pleasing. She feels me pulling back, there’s no doubt about it. She texted me tonight saying ‘are any of your friends peri-menopausal?’ Now to an innocent ear that’s sounds like nothing but I know from experience she’s hinting at me that that’s what’s going on and in turn blames me for it

Ha, yes, definitely not an innocent comment. Whether she sees a therapist or not she is not going to change. As a recovering people pleaser, you will have to work on your boundaries, and guilt, and be okay with her sulking with you. Don't text her looking for validation that she still 'loves' you despite your boundaries, text her if you need to communicate something.

@Itsanewlife I do text for validation all the time. I have stopped recently. But so hard when still battling with the guilt…

Lol, no wonder she didn't want you to attend the appointment with her! The dietician probably mentioned that she needed balanced meals every day and she made up the stuff about the dietician saying that you should be making them.

Your mum is incredibly manipulative. Keep enforcing your boundaries and don't let her guilt trip you.