Husband with undiagnosed neurodivergence

[Welcomeking]

Looking for a bit of support here. I am married mid 40s have one DD 15. I have been married for 15 years. For context I got together very quickly with DH after a long previous relationship and fell (mutually wanted) pregnant with DD.

During the pregnancy and thereafter I started to notice some behavioural traits which were not particularly favourable (yes in hindsight I should have got to know him better). Traits such as control, occasional emotional outburst, lack of thought and empathy, accusations and just me feeling very tense around him.

Fast forward to now and I am still in the marriage because I didnt want my DD from a broken home (again I know, wrong reason to stay). The behavioural traits have continued and I am undoubtedly a stronger person and with age has brought less tolerance of these behaviours.

DH confided in me that his director at work and close colleagues suggested he should be tested for Adhd etc. He has seen his GP and is going to be referred for adhd/autism.

The main point of the post is that I have wanted out for years but never had the strength. There was an emotional outburst from him last week which actually frightened me (DD was out). I have now had enough and told him as much, not because of any suspected neurodivergence but because of lack of intimacy (emotional and sexual for years), feeling of tension always in the home, his outbursts, his lack of thought and care around my own physical health, his lack of social integrity etc.

Many people have said to me a marriage should be in sickness and in health but surely not to this degree?

Any thoughts on this?

He’s abusive. The potential diagnosis is a moot point. You are right to get out, am sorry you’ve lived through this for so long

Agree with @AnotherNaCha- doesn’t matter about potential neurodivergence, the marriage is broken due to his abusive behaviour. Find a way to get out OP 🌼

This. Any hypothetical ND is a red herring in this case - his behaviour is abusive and you said you wanted out. It's quite typical for abuse to start/increase while the woman is pregnant, so you're describing a textbook scenario.

Neurodivergence does not cause abuse. It does not equal abuse. He is using that as an excuse. That's his personality.

I am ND and have never abused anyone.

Leave him as soon as you can.

This! I'm sick of people using ADHD/autism as an excuse to mistreat others. If he's neurodivergent then that's a separate issue to the point of your thread.

If he frightens you, even if it's only once, you need to put your child first and leave him. It's not fair on any child growing up in that environment.

Thanks all for your replies. There has only been one occasion where I felt, frightened is perhaps the wrong word, I guess sad/hurt and for me this is the 'nail in the coffin'.

I absolutely agree that ND diagnosis does not and should not enable someone to mistreat another human being. However, conversations of late have indicated he has no real understanding as to how he has made me feel over the years and has taken complete accountability for his actions (yet doesn't do anything other than wanting to be diagnosed based on his directors suggestion). The ways I have been mistreated could be identified as ADHD/ASD traits apparently such as control, emotional outbursts, lack of support and empathy etc but as some of you have clearly stated this is just not a ND thing.

Thanks all. Now I just need to muster up the strength to start some sort of divorce process. I have had legal advice, have a good support network and the best I can hope for so it doesn't impact my DD is some sort of amicable outcome where she is not impacted as much. I am hoping to at least start all this under the radar whilst she sits her exams.

In sickness and in heath my arse. We're not living in the Stone Age. Thankfully, there is now no-fault divorce which means you can end a marriage simply because you don't want to be in it any more.

Ignore any attempts to cast guilt at your doorstep. You are entitled to happiness on your own terms.

Bite the bullet, make a plan, and start the process. There's a better, brighter future out there for you and your daughter.

Thank you @Sicario . I know re the 'in sickness and in health' point, I agree and these have been comments from people of an older generation who do abide by this. I'm not convinced and besides its all very subjective.

Thank you!

'The ways I have been mistreated could be identified as ADHD/ASD traits apparently such as control, emotional outbursts, lack of support and empathy etc but as some of you have clearly stated this is just not a ND thing'

Hmmm...none of the behaviours you listed above are actually in diagnostic criteria, unless the assessors really want to make ND fit in. Some will.

I do have a problem with how abusive behaviours are 'explained' as ND, but perhaps this is because of my own experience.

Ultimately, ND or not, it is irrelevant - if you're controlled by someone with emotional outbursts, little insight and not willing to change, it's irrelevant if they're traumatised, autistic,narcissistic or 'just' abusive. You protect yourself and your kids and get out.

Behaving like an abusive, unfeeling a'hole doesn't extrapolate to "in sickness".

A dear friend if mine has a dh who is severely bi-polar. They have been married for about 25 years now. He has been sectioned twice and takes strong medication. He had been unable to work for more than 20 years. He is sick and sometimes does some odd things and she has a sadness about her life but he is not unkind and is grateful for her stability and it is a situation of in sickness and in health because he is very unwell.

DD has adhd and some autistic traits but not a diagnosis. She is kind and calm and doesn't control her boy friend. Similarly he is high functioning autistic and is kind and calm and doesn't control her. They are quirky.

What happens when he has these ‘outbursts’? What triggers them?
I’m late diagnosed AuDHD. I do have meltdowns. They generally consist of me berating myself or sometimes getting frustrated with inanimate objects. I don’t take my frustrations out on others. I get frustrated or upset if plans are changed, if I’m running late, if I accidentally break or lose stuff. It’s blaming myself not others..
It’s worth exploring the ADHD_love podcast, late bloomers. They’re a couple, she’s diagnosed ADHD, he’s considering an autism assessment. They talk about their struggles and her behaviours. I suspect you’ll see some overlap but realise your H’s behaviours are not so much ND as just abusive.

It absolutely isn't. I have huge amounts of empathy for my family and friends. Huge supporter of my close ones, sometimes to my own detriment. I understand very clearly what is going on around me.

Your husband is choosing to act this way of his own violation. He doesn't seem to have a lot of respect for you or family life.

As the above poster stated, if I get overwhelmed, I aren't putting them on anyone.

My partner knows sometimes after driving home in stressful traffic after a busy day at work, that I need to decompress for 20 mins alone in the bedroom. So I'm doing this not to take it out on anyone.

You can take steps to manage being ND, just like anyone with a disability needs to to help manage their lives.

Your dp isn't even diagnosed yet so we don't know for sure he even is.

Have a look at why does he do that, free pdf if you google it and see if your husband fits any of the descriptions.

Look at what he does and not what he says. What does he do to help you and make family life easier? What are the things he makes worse. Write it all down and look at that list any time you start to waver. Life can be better than this.

Thank you @Personperson for your own personal insight. You sound like a very respectable, grounded, caring person. Its like anything I guess isnt it, if we are self aware, know what we need to manage ourselves (instead of expecting someone else to manage us), then we do that.

To be honest he doesnt do a great deal to make my life easier. He will consider but only when it suits. I can be ill and he won't even ask how I am or consider my needs until I raise it. After many conversations from my end regarding how I feel he won't consider my feelings or how I'm feeling. He has no understanding of why he has done some of the things he has done. In general he is difficult to live with and everything has to be a big deal and its like he almost expects me to mother him on top of the damage he has done. In my mind, ND or not, its not been acceptable behaviour.

Really given what you have wrote he could easily be a sociopath or one of the many other things linked to what you have described.
People would obviously prefer the label adhd/asd to narcissist and so on...
But no matter what it is or isnt as the case maybe . It doesnt excuse his behaviour.

I have adhd and I am overly empathetic and thoughtful, total people pleaser. I was before being diagnosed, everyone has different symptoms so maybe 🤔. But regardless it doesn’t sound like it’s a fulfilling relationship for you.
please also consider that even he does get medicated these traits will not change tbh.

That's so sad. The very basic behaviour of caring about someone is especially when they are ill.

He sounds very selfish indeed.

You just can't rely on him at all.

You wouldn't be worse off without him, believe me.

Just think of all of the mental weight and load you carry around, that he causes.

Imagine not having to worry about any of that anymore, the freeing feeling of being in your own home and not having that around.

It can happen. It may take time but you owe it to yourself to treat yourself better.

You cannot change him, only he can do that. I am a big believer if a man wants to do something, nothing on earth will stop them. They will do it without cajoling or asking them.

He doesn't want to so all you change is you and your reaction to him. In that, by changing what you can in your life.

I know it's not easy but as they say on here, get your ducks in a row and make sure you can get away in a way that is helpful to you.

Good luck to you op.

I think you are confusing neurodivergence (especially autism and ADHD) for an incompatible and possibly dysfunctional or abusive husband.