Needing to live on my own

[aroomofmyown]

I am a regular poster who is feeling very disloyal writing this and have only spoken to one other person other than dh about this.

Dh and I have decided he is moving out. We are going to remain a couple but I cannot live with him anymore. He is controlling (with money) and he has lied to me in a big way & in little ways in the last year (largely money related) but I feel as if I no longer trust the man I once trusted 110% . This morning I found myself close to tears on the phone to the Student Loan co as I heard myself say to an incredulous and unsympathetic adviser "but I don't have access to any money other than child benefit if you increase my payments I am not going to be able to meet them!" The crunchpoint has come because rather than debt manage dh is continuing to deal with money his way and this includes paying credit cards before the rent! I feel like a freud; a feminist who has become a stepford wife

I am culpable here too. I do accept this. Over time I have let this happen. I am still not in a position of independence Which I hate. I work p/t but it pays for the childcare only & is really about stopping me going completely mad. (Not sure it's working) Anyway, Dh has agreed to move out (we privately rent) but it is such a huge cloud to be living under. Today I just feel like screaming or crying. I feel so sad.
Dh does not want to move out and frankly I can't bear the thought of him not being here or what it could do to our ds and dd. Because of lies I now mistrust him terribly and have become a paranoid, insecure, lunatic on occassions. Which I also hate.... who have I become, I don't recognise me? I feel crushed and out of control of my own life and feel I have no power to deal adequately with my childrens lives. Having compromised and compromised until there is nothing left to compromise (and until I feel that I am not being true to myself even) I can't live like this anymore. Meantime our lives plod on. We do all the things we usually do as a couple and a family. We have a nice time together. So we are both really, really sad, bordering on depressed (& we both feel we have failed the children and each other) & although dh has agreed his moving out is the only way to go now neither of us want to live apart and nothing is actually moving forward. (Although I know it has to happen.) I am insisting that we have relationship counselling asap and dh has agreed although he feels the money would be better spent on our going out together. I am not really sure what I am asking, just need to offload and wondered if anyone else has been in a similar situation that has worked out? Dh wants us to agree to a time when he will be moving back in but I can't atm, how can I when I am having to put so much on the line to regain some stability and control? I certainly can't until I have regained my trust and faith in him.

OK, aroomofmyown, I hope someone comes along soon who has dealt with this and found a solution and sorry for stating the bleedin' obvious. At least your dh seems to realise how serious your situation is.

Thanks for the advice
WWW, In answer to your question dh has acknowledged that he would hate it if our roles were reversed. He is also extremely shocked by the reality of the situation now finally seeing the whole picture. As Tibpot & Anniemac have suggested the continual payment of the credit cards is, in his mind, about his credit rating as he hopes at sometime in the future (once ds is at school) that we will be in a position to get a mortgage. The debt we are in is not due to extravagant living but simply because we have ?robbed peter to pay paul? just to survive. Dh?s answer is simply that we increase our income but I am afraid the shortfall maybe too much to achieve. Although I know it would be preferable if we are working as a team to achieve this and if we can meanwhile deal with out other relationship issues. Big changes need to take place for this to continue such as the opening of a joint bank account so we have joint control. For months I have been reading anything and everything about money/debt that I can get my hands on from online stuff to newspaper articles and today I am collecting Alvin halls latest book from the library in order to get a handle on what needs to be done. Anniemac, I can see that your comment about lying to partners about the money once in debt is very relevant to us.

Luckily, we continue to communicate and are talking about the issues on a daily basis. We have also said things that needed to be said. Meanwhile we live this weird parallel existence for instance on Sunday we took the children Museum in the city and for a wander around the water front and we all had a lovely time (for free).

Sobernow, your questions are fair ones. I have been a lone parent previously (admittedly with only one child) and as a lone parent I worked fulltime and studied part time for a post graduate degree so I know I can do it. However, I do realise that in the short term I am going to be in a very precarious financial position and if dh moves out I need a clear idea of how I am going to support myself.

Feel that in reality we are just going around and around in circles

AROMO, remind him that his credit ratnig will be diabolical if he is of no fixed abode!

Agreed Anniemac - and the noticeable thing on DWD is that virtually no-one has been living wildly above their means for years, just as AROMO has, slightly above their means and then robbing peter to pay paul.

Increasing income is good but it needs to be matched by a thorough look at your spending habits, working out where you can cut down, what your 'spending triggers' are and your overall attitude to money - otherwise any increase in income will basically vanish into a black hole.

I think you pretty much know that, AROMO, let's hope that over time Mr AROMO will have his 'lightbulb moment' too. To be honest, he's quite a long way ahead of a number of spouses of people over on Dealing With Debt, which isn't to say he doesn't have a fair way to go too.

Best of luck.

Tribpot, your point about attitudes to money really struck a cord with me yesterday. I spent my day off on Fool.co.uk (thanks Anniemac too), I also read a very interesting article in The Guardian money & marriage
and I threw myself into the Alvin Hall book. I realised that I have been hiding behind dh's control as an excuse for my not taking responsibility for my current circumstances and also realised that I have a bad habit of spending (on groceries in the week after our budgeted shop) money we don't have with the view that 'it's toilet rolls (or whatever), it's essential so if I go over my limit charges are just how it is'. So the small amount of money that goe thruogh my bank account isn't being managed efficiently either. Does that make sense?
Dh came home last night determined that we make some progress and I was glad that he unexpectedly cancelled a previously arranged appointment so that we could get on with it. I do feel that we made progress. WWW, I did mention your comment (not for the first time) but for once the point about the rent seems to have genuinely registered. I had the revolation that my need to be on my own may actually be a running away device that convieniently lets me, largely, off the hook and actually it may be possible that we remain under the same roof now we have identified what we both expected before we moved intogether and had a baby and now within the reality of the situation. Having started off yesterday thinking that our attitudes to money are very different after some honest and at times difficult discussion I am seeing that we are both prepared to learn by our mistakes and negotiate and compromise with regard to what needs to be done. I have also realised that our debts are managable with out going down the debt management, coming to agreements with creditor, route too. Big strides, thank you everyone

Blimey
all sounds v 'grown-up'
Am SOO pleased that things are on the way up for you

Wow, that's brilliant, AROMO. You've made so much progress - you should be very proud of yourself!

Excellent article from the Grauniad as well, I'll be bookmarking that one I think.

Hope you and dh can keep up the good work and really glad the Fool was of benefit to you - it's certainly revolutionised my approach to my finances!

Take care and best of luck to you.

Really glad to hear it AROMO!