Hobbies, does this sound reasonable?

[Confused506]

Hello,

I will try and keep this as short and as factual as possible.

Newish relationship of a year. Both of us mid 40’s. I have one teenager, partner no children.

In my only other relationship of over 20 years we spent most of the time together. No individual hobbies, occasional nights out with friends, visiting family, date nights etc. no issues with that we were happy with that.

I love my new partner dearly and I feel that he loves me dearly also. The one sticking point is his hobbies. He plays the flute and violin and is in two separate groups that play for fun and events. It averages out around 3 evenings a week say 6.30pm leaving home back around 10 to 11pm. Occasionally it will be 4 times a week if there is an event. Can often include a Friday and Saturday evening. He is even contemplating learning a new instrument and joining a third group!

I do find myself feeling a bit resentful of the time the hobby takes. Like it’s eating into the time we could be spending together.

I’m just not a hobby person so don’t really get it I suppose and sometimes I feel the hobby is more important than me but am willing to accept I could be very unreasonable with that thought.

I have shared my feelings with my partner who says that’s not the case and they do show me they want to spend time with me. We have good weekends away and regular date nights.

I do visit friends and have evenings out for meals etc with them and enjoy a night on alone occasionally but do feel second best.

Does this amount of hobby time sound unreasonable in a relationship?

Neither of you are being unreasonable but it doesn’t sound like you want the same future. You need to work out whether you can make room for his hobby or whether you are actually after someone with more free time. I guess there may be some compromise there in terms of him not taking up a new instrument. But I would not attempt to make him give up his current instruments and performances as it would lead to resentment.

Honestly OP, for a single man in his forties with no children... It doesn't sound unreasonable at all!

There's a few things to unpack here.
One being that this is still a very new relationship. I assume you haven't moved in together and haven't merged your lives. It's only normal for him to have had a full life before meeting you. What was he supposed to do? Wait around for a woman to complete him? I would personally much rather meet a man who had a full and interesting life and loads of friends before he met me, than a couch potato who depended on me for all of his social needs. The fact that you're so threatened by this, tells me that you haven't spent a lot of time being single and being okay with that, and that you tend to need a relationship to feel 'complete'.

Another thing to unpack is that just because he's not unreasonable for having hobbies and passions, also doesn't mean you have to want that life. If you want someone who spends every day with you, then maybe this guy isn't it. That doesn't make him wrong and it doesn't make him a bad man. Just not compatible with you. But I'd also be interested to know why you don't have any hobbies or passions of you own. Why have you not developed as an individual? Was that something you weren't encouraged to do as a child? Was this something that felt impossible in your first marriage?

Look, my husband is very much a homebody and doesn't really take a lot of initiative. I often encourage him to get out of the house with friends or coworkers, and he always has a good time when he does. But I'm still away more than three times as much as he is. This week alone I'm watching my friends choir on wednesday, having dinner with friends from college on thursday and having lunch with my grandmother on sunday. And since we have young children and not a lot of people we can count on, when I'm out he's usually at home watching them. I'd love to do the same for him, but it just doesn't happen.
However, I couldn't live with someone who felt that I was selling them short by having a life, hobbies, interests, passions. That's not the kind of relationship that would ever be satisfying to me.
So it's time to figure out if you can get on board and be truly okay with it, or not.

Thank you for replying.

I don’t feel unfulfilled with my life, quite the opposite I suppose I’ve just never had such a hobby to be dedicated to.
I am happy relaxing at home, I suppose work is very much my passion, I get a lot out of that. I suppose my hobby would be spending time with friends and family. Rather than practicing a skill several times a week. I’m not sure that means I’m not developed as an individual but no hobbies weren’t encouraged when I was growing up and my ex wasn’t a hobby person either.

You sound unreasonable to me to be honest, I assume you met him with his hobbies thus you should have settled if you were okay with it .

Maybe try to join in if they allow spectators and he has no child to be home for also which is likely why he chose and invested time for his hobby.

With all that said, 4 times a week is a full time job and no longer hobby.

Just to add, "I suppose my hobby would be spending time with friends and family". that is not a hobby

I think people have been a little harsh here.
For the last umpteen years OP has been a partnered mum! It's a very different situation to being single with no kids. Had she not had a partner and kid I'm sure she'd have hobbies.
I agree though that maybe he's not right for you? Or maybe you need to have a think about what you want your future to be, what would you actually like to do with your time now you might be getting a bit more freedom? If you're more of a home bird and start to resent that he is not it could get difficult.

Being a musician for many people is far more than a hobby, it's a passion and way of life. Maybe I'm not seeing this clearly as I am on the other side, having been both an amateur and professional musician for more years than I can remember. It's a part of who he is, and if you don't like it or feel it takes up too much time, you need to move on. If you ask him to give up any of it for you, he will probably end up resenting you.

I have no intention of asking him to give anything up. But as people have pointed out I need to think whether that amount of time apart works for me.
My current thought is I don’t think it does if it’s already making me feel a bit second best.
At the beginning he was doing less of his hobby and it seems to be increasing.

This wouldn’t bother me at all (because I have my own hobbies and also enjoy my own company). But I think you’re right- if you’re fundamentally not compatible better to get out early. What a shame though as you love each other dearly