It shouldn’t be like this, should it?

[Ritaskeeterdidit]

I need some perspective on whether this is just what a long term relationship is like. DH & I have been together for 25 years. We have 1 DC aged 11.

The problem is I’m increasingly finding spending time with DH uncomfortable/stressful. We don’t seem to have anything in common anymore (except for DC) and struggle to find things to talk about when it’s just the 2 of us, so we’ve reached a point where we both avoid spending time together. We’re also often annoyed with each other over domestic issues/who should be doing what/money etc.

He’s not a bad person by any stretch but we do disagree quite a bit and I don’t think we actually like each other anymore. It feels like we’re just putting up with each other until DC leaves home.

Anyone else feel like this?

Aw that's sad OP. Do you want to make it work or not? If the answer is yes, maybe you could consider couples counselling? Or maybe start a new hobby together? Date nights? I can imagine anyone in such a long term relationship would face the sort of challenge you have explained but I suppose it will take effort on both sides to keep the romance and relationship strong.

This will be a pretty shitty environment for your child op

I felt like this about my STBX…it wasn’t the only issue but I started to dread being left alone with him because of the awkwardness, and would actively do anything to avoid it. We have a shared hobby and I realised this had actually papered over cracks for years…talking about that and the kids was fine but when they got to later teens and he stopped hobby during/after lockdown I realised I didn’t actually want to spend time with him.

It exacerbated every other problem and I completely fell out of love with him. I moved out last October and I don’t miss him at all. Sounds harsh after 24 years together but my feelings completely changed.

The spanner in the works is that I thought he felt the same but this then triggered a year long campaign verging on harassment to get me back and resist the divorce. I’ve since seen a lot more of his personality to make me actively dislike him rather than just not love him!

On paper we had a lot more going for us than other couples…no money worries, shared interests, etc but I just felt cold towards him. He’s accused me of all sorts of mental illnesses since because I didn’t try how he wanted me to, but after a year of counselling I finally started to accept that feelings just change and it’s not right or wrong, it’s just a fact. Nothing he has said or done has made me feel anything other than guilt that I can’t conjure up the feelings he wants from me.

I suppose I’m saying that he might not feel the same way and you might find if you talk about it then you can resolve it, but in my experience nothing got that feeling back.

I’ve never been married, so probably not best qualified to answer, but if I was and had made those vows to someone I’d try everything I could to try and uphold them, especially if he’s a good man and you’ve had a good life together

If you don't want to spend time with your DP while your DC is still young and at home, can you imagine what it will be like in six years when your child is at University and you have to spend all your time with him, without any distractions/displacement activity? You will definitely get out then. But, why not get out sooner. Reclaim your life. Relationships don't have to end only because of horrendous abuse (of which there seems to a lot on MN), quite desperation is good enough to want better for yourself. And your child deserves to be around a happy healthy relationship!

If you've been together 25 years and your child is just 11, it sounds like you met when you were still very young and it sounds like you have grown apart. I think you need to have a heart to heart together and make a shared decision on what you can do to make you both happier.

Counselling would be SO helpful, would he be open to it?