Think my marriage is finished but I'm struggling to do it

[Probablygameover]

I think my marriage is over. My husband is a really bad tempered person. He used to be a bit irritable at times, but he's got so much worse over recent years. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells constantly. He just either wakes up in a filthy mood or not, I'm helpless to do anything about it, and then he takes it out on me (not physically, "just" shouting and belittling). He breaks off our marriage in a rage at least once a week, hurls awful insults and acts like he loathes me, then expects it all to be fine the next day as if nothing had happened - if I try to talk about it he flies into a rage again. I'm so sad, fed up, and bored of it all. Over the last few days he's been in a huge rage over I don't know what, he's said our marriage is over several times but then bounced back to saying I'm wonderful and his best friend and his favourite person, it just feels so erratic. He insists his rages are all my fault but can't explain why and his logic seems incoherent to me.

I'm so sorry, this is a jumbled mess. I just want someone who loves me and respects me (and now I've made myself cry because I feel like I'll never have that). I don't even know why I'm posting, I've just come here once before when things were awful and you all were really kind.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Reading what you’ve written, it’s clear you’re exhausted and hurting and that’s completely understandable. Living with someone whose moods and rages are unpredictable is draining and scary, and it’s not your fault.
You deserve to feel safe, respected and loved in your own home. Constant belittling and shouting is emotional abuse, and over time it chips away at your confidence and sense of self. It’s OK to recognise that this isn’t acceptable behaviour and to start thinking about your own wellbeing and support system.
If you can, consider reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, GP or a helpline (Women’s Aid is often mentioned here) for a bit of perspective and emotional back-up. Even just talking things through in a safe space can help you feel less isolated and clearer about what you want.
Please don’t apologise for posting you’re not alone, and you’re not overreacting. You deserve kindness and stability.

Thanks so much for replying so kindly, in the middle of the night too (if you're in the UK/Europe). I'm not with him at the moment (gone elsewhere for the night because he was being so awful) and he's messaging blaming me for not wanting to fix things. I actually wish he'd just dump me and leave. He rages and treats me like crap then calms down and it falls on me to actually walk away, and it's so hard.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP, but what you describe is emotional abuse through and through. I suspect this man doesn’t behave like this at work, or around friends, and instead only treats you like this. You deserve a love that is safe and respectful, not this horrible toxic mix of being unearthed every time he loses his temper.

First thing tomorrow (today) I would get in touch with a local domestic abuse service. They will walk you through steps you can take to leave/get him rid and what they look like. If you have a trusted friend/family member, please tell them what is going on (or share what you have written here). I suspect your friends/family may already see what your husband is like.

Oh dear OP, living like this is not how a happy, healthy marriage or relationship should be. It’s abusive. I have lived through two abusive marriages, (verbal abuse) one nearly killed me but once the anger left, the indifference set in and I care little for those exH’s. I do hate one (when I can be arsed) the other I don’t as he handled the split like an adult and we are still friends. I can honestly say that since I decided to go it alone, with Ddog and Dcat, I’ve never been happier. You don’t realise how one other person can knock your confidence until you are out the other side. Meds helped me a lot with the drama of my initial break up (blindsided by affair and left with two under 2). I look back now and think ‘what on earth was I doing, ALLOWING another human being to treat me like that’. One day I hope you too, can feel that way. Good luck X

I wouldn't tolerate this for one second OP. It's time to leave. My first marriage was like this and I just walked out with DS and never went back. It's not fixable. The sooner you get out the happier your life will be.
Make a plan and stick to it.

The next time he says your marriage is over, calmly respond, 'You're right, it is.' Then immediately work out who is going to physically leave. That way, he has ended it, because he said it first at that point in time. Don't allow time for discussion for him to back-track and win you around again. Leave yourself, there and then, if you have to.

You currently have left. Hopefully you haven't gone back yet, and can stay gone.
Keep reminding yourself how awful he is, that it's a pattern that's not going to change, and how dreadfully unhappy he makes you feel.
Constantly suggesting breaking up, then pulling you back in, is designed to destabilise you. Those are not the actions of someone who loves you. It's control.

Every time you think about the good times, and what you'll miss, remind yourself about all the bad times, and what you'll gain by not being with him (stability, pleasure in life, healthy mental state, freedom to be you).

I know it's really hard to leave, I've been there. It's like an addiction - you always hope for more of the highs.

You can do it. Just take one day at a time.

Every day you spend without him, give yourself a pat on the back.

Every day you spend without him makes the next one easier.

Every day you spend without him puts him further into your past.

Every day you spend without him puts you further along your path to a happier life.

Good luck!

I'm so sorry, he sounds awful and you clearly can't carry on like this. You do deserve a loving partner and someone who makes you feel safe and cared for.

Is the house owned by both of you? I would start by getting legal advice and take it from there. It may be that you have to sell the house and separate if leaving is not financially viable. Do try and get some support from friends and family, especially if you are afraid that he will fly into a rage when you tell him the relationship is over. If you feel threatened in any way, please don't hesitate to call the police.

Gather your courage and take that first step - you deserve to live in peace and happiness 💐

What’s your housing situation @Probablygameover? Kids ?
next time he says it’s over , agree with him. You can’t live like this.