Im 33, mum of two girls age 13 & 7, been with their dad for 16 years. Our life is just stressful in general, We’ve had our ups and downs like most people but now it’s rock bottom and on thin ice.
Before I open up about our dark relationship, I’d like to add that’s he’s not always been like this and this isn’t what he was like when I first fell in love with him, but I do still love him and want to make things better.
I’ve always worked and had a very good career up until a year ago, im currently unemployed and studying part time. He is employed and works 5 evenings a week.
I’m not enjoying being a stay at home mum and quite frankly it’s depressing me. I feel like a single mother but I’m not and that’s where the frustration stems from. He is selfish, controlling, verbally and sometimes a little physically abusive, manipulative, narcissistic, immature, childish and very, very lazy. I do everything with no help from him atall. All the housework and cleaning, laundry, cooking, gardening, painting and diy, homework, entertaining the kids, teachers and doctors appointments, it’s all getting on top of me, I’m severely struggling to cope and despite asking and begging for his help, he always just says no, it’s not his job, he works so he shouldn’t have too. And because I throw my entire existence into being a stay at home mum, I have no life of my own, no social life, no friends, no money. I don’t leave the house apart from the school run and massively lack adult interaction. I’ve tried communicating with him and told him how I feel and he knows I’m struggling. But instead of acting upon it like an adult, he uses it against me and it’s almost as if he finds entertainment out of watching me struggle. I feel down a lot because I’d just like a nice house to sit in seeing as I never go anywhere, I quite like chilling at home, it’s my safe space where I feel the most at ease, but being with a man that does nothing I struggle greatly trying to achieve this on my own. I try to paint the house and make it look nice but it’s very clear I need help from a man. I have no family locally and zero friends for support. I live in a town I’m not originally from and my mother passed away 7 years ago so I’m very much on my own hence why I’m writing this post for advice. My partner struggles with a cocaine and gambling addiction which is very obviously the root of our problems, I’ve tried getting him help and supporting him but I don’t think he’s ready for that yet. He makes me feel incredibly depressed most days. I cry every other day and it’s been like this for the last 10 years. He is always on my case about house work and says I don’t do enough, I know this isn’t true as that’s all I do! He doesn’t appreciate or be thankful for everything I do, infact he does the opposite and puts me down everyday. Everything I do is never enough and this makes me feel utterly useless. I feel like a slave. This isn’t what I signed up for. I like being a mum and housewife, but not a maid. I spend my entire existence just cleaning up after him like he’s a child and I’m his mum on top of our two children and dog. The laziness is out of control, I can’t keep up with it. But the troubling thing about his laziness is that he’s only like it at home. He wouldn’t dream of treating his mums House the way he does ours. He does it because I allow him. And I’m stuck in a viscous circle because I can’t live in mess. I’m incredibly unhappy in our relationship and have told him to leave many times but unfortunately I’m trapped. He will not leave. He is unhappy too and feels we need space so we both agreed that he would get his own flat so we can have a break sometimes and I can have a break from the kids, this is true because we get along better after a couple of days apart. This is financially beneficial to us also as he will be renting a room to his friend. His flat is still being built so it will be a while yet before we can trial this. Im financially tied to him so kind of have to have him here until his flat is built. He is making me so unhappy to the point I’ve lost interest in our relationship. I still love him deeply and always will but after so many years of him denying me help, no communication, no support, abuse, control and bullying I’ve unfortunately been having unwanted thoughts and temptations. I’ve never cheated on him in 16 years and always had a relatively good sex life but I’ve found my self looking else where and seeking attention from other men. As mad as it sounds, I’ve been craving having an affair. Of course I know this is wrong and would make matters worse but the longer our troubled relationship goes on, the stronger the temptation is. I spend all my time with my kids and never get a break, he’s immature a lot of the time so now I find myself wanting adult companionship. I just feel as though theres a man out there who will appreciate me which is what I deserve. I don’t deserve to be treated the way he treats me. I’m now feeling sexually frustrated too as I’m yearning for sexual passion from a man who wants me, likes me and is attracted to me, none of which I feel from my partner. I have no excitement in my life and all I do is housework, so now I’m seeking some sort of excitement and adventure, which is leading me down the wrong path. Do you think this relationship is worth saving or do I just officially end it and find someone who will treat me better and start living my life?