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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do you deal with different styles of ‘love languages’?

11 replies

OtherCoraline · 15/09/2025 22:26

DH and I show our love in very different ways. DH shows it through practical ways; he makes me dinner every night, drives me to where I want to go (short drives to be clear) and actively supports me to be a SAHM. He does things to make my life easier. However, I show my love through physical and verbal affection and gifts/writing very thoughtful messages/cards/letters/texts. So whilst DH is great at showing me he loves me through doing things for me, I wish he’d say he loves me more/gave me kisses/hugs etc. He doesn’t do those things off initiative. I don’t desire material gifts. How do you find a middle ground if you show your love in very different ways? I’ve told Dh that I don’t feel I have enough affection and have asked him to give me more but he hasn’t.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 15/09/2025 23:04

I would put money on the fact that men don't spend half as much time talking about how they should 'cope' when their needs are unmet because of different love languages.

I'm sceptical about the whole 'acts of service' as a signifier of love. They could literally be done for anyone, because they mostly don't require anyone to actually spend time with another person's personality or to show them affection in the way that's unique to an intimate relationship.

Him doing things for you doesn't replace, and shouldn't replace one's need to feel emotionally connected to a human being in a deeper way.

Endofyear · 15/09/2025 23:30

Stop trying to force him to behave in a way that is not comfortable or natural for him and accept him for who he is. Be grateful for all the things he does to make your life easier. This is proof of his love.

Girlmom35 · 16/09/2025 10:29

The whole idea of love languages was actually not based on scientific evidence and although it has some merit, it really doesn't cover the whole range of emotional needs people can have and the consequences of those needs not being met.

An important skill to have in relationships is the ability to understand that just because you feel/want/need something, doesn't mean someone else feels/wants/needs this.
It's the equivalent of making a sandwich for someone who isn't hungry, and refusing them a glass of water because you aren't thirsty.

It's so easy to love someone in a way that's convenient for you. Making food for someone when you're also hungry, that's about as easy as it gets in terms of showing your love. What's a lot harder, is trying to understand who your partner is and giving them what they need, even if you don't feel the same way.

What you're missing in your relationship, is effort.
The effort to understand you, your needs, and to go above and beyond to do those things for you. Not because he wants to, but because you matter to him.
And in that effort, you're mismatched right now.
You do wonder what you can do to meet his needs, rather than taking the 'easy' road and just doing what's convenient for you. You're not matched in energy and in investment. That creates resentment.

You deserve a partner who wants to make that effort for you. I don't know if he's that kind of man or if he's willing to learn, and it's okay to walk away if he's not.

ForTipsyFinch · 16/09/2025 10:55

EarthSight · 15/09/2025 23:04

I would put money on the fact that men don't spend half as much time talking about how they should 'cope' when their needs are unmet because of different love languages.

I'm sceptical about the whole 'acts of service' as a signifier of love. They could literally be done for anyone, because they mostly don't require anyone to actually spend time with another person's personality or to show them affection in the way that's unique to an intimate relationship.

Him doing things for you doesn't replace, and shouldn't replace one's need to feel emotionally connected to a human being in a deeper way.

The whole concept was created by a Christian preacher. With that in mind, they all make sense 🙄 and ofc it’s always physical touch for men. Shocker 🤣

pinkdelight · 16/09/2025 11:04

Love languages are a bogus concept. Let go of that and general theories and focus on the two of you specifically. If he's always been this way, he's not going to change and must have had enough qualities for you to love and marry him - and the same in reverse. So are you incompatible and it was just a rush of love or has something changed and he used to be more attentive and that's dropped off beyond what would be deemed normal in a long-running relationship, or can you accept each other for who you are and fill the gaps in some other way? If you're a SAHM, you must get affection from your DC. I know it's not the same, but I'm trying to drill down into what you really need and if it has to be from him, because it sounds like that could only lead to frustration long-term.

pinkdelight · 16/09/2025 11:09

Also - absolutely not making this a SAHM thing, but I know I was more insecure/needy when I wasn't working, so might that be part of what's changed - that you're at home with the kids and so DH is your main source of adult company and validation so you're wanting more than he can give, when he's busy working all day then coming home and making you dinner etc. It doesn't negate the fact that you express things in different ways, but I just mean you might be more focused on needing his affection at this point in your life because it can be easier to lose yourself so you're looking to him to fix that, which could be solved in other ways. Are you getting out plenty and seeing other good friends who can meet your emotional needs in other ways?

CurlewKate · 16/09/2025 11:13

“Love Languages” aka another get out of jail free card for men.

Starlight1984 · 16/09/2025 11:18

I agree with the PP who says love languages are a bogus concept. BUT for the purpose of this thread, I understand where you are coming from and it can be hard when you need different things to feel loved and cared for.

However what I would say is that, you can't force someone to be who they are not. It sounds like he is a good man and definitely shows you he loves you and wants to make sure you are ok. Many, many people don't even have this in a relationship!

Me and DH are completely different in how we show we love each other! I will always buy him little gifts, write messages for him if I am going away / if he's got something important on, put lots of thought into presents, weekends away, "date nights" etc.

DH is more practical. He will go and check the tyres on my car are ok, he will take the dogs out for a walk in the rain and cold so that I don't have to do it before work, he will buy me a new pair of trainers if he notices mine are starting to look tatty, he will make a start on dinner as soon as he gets in (even if he has had a ridiculously busy and long day) so I can go and have a shower and get changed...

He doesn't have social media, rarely takes photos and hates things like Valentines Day and "special" days but he loves me and makes me feel like the luckiest woman alive (especially when I read MN 😂). Although he does tell me he loves me every day but even if he didn't, he shows it! And that's what matters!

Icanttakethisanymore · 16/09/2025 14:11

Is he less affectionate than he used to be?

ApricotCheesecake · 16/09/2025 14:14

I like words and touch, DH likes acts of service and quality time together. It's just a matter of compromise really. I know some things don't come easily to him so I value them more when he does (occasionally!) do them. As long as you love each other that's the most important thing!

EarthSight · 16/09/2025 19:45

CurlewKate · 16/09/2025 11:13

“Love Languages” aka another get out of jail free card for men.

Yes. It's just a more sophisticated, grown-up version of young women justifying why he hasn't called yet.

Sometimes the reason why someone doesn't tell you that they love you, is because they just DON'T!

Sometimes the reason why they don't want to spend 'quality time' with you, is because they don't actually enjoy being around you that much, or they might even dislike your personality.

Isn't it funny that this should even be an option in love languages, rather than a fundamental aspect of a relationship with another human being?! Also so often women talking about these things as if they have to choose. As of it's impossible that someone would be physically affectionate, verbally affectionate AND enjoy spending time with them.

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