I think my husband just asked me for a divorce

[Sadlassie]

Me and DH work together have done for a long time, but the last couple of years it has been difficult, especially this year. He wants more involvement with what I'm doing, he definitely doesn't trust me, he asks me to do something and I spend ages and it's not what he wants. He talks to me patronisingly, he eye rolls, we had an argument recently and I said how annoying it was when he interrupted me (it's not just me he does this with other people, my colleague mentioned it to me and said how rude he was to me in a meeting and how he does it to her as well) and he actually said well I know what you are going to say, he can't see how rude that is, even if he is right, he isn't. He sighs when I talk, closes his eyes to find his patience when I say something he seems stupid and has said other people in the team I work with find me difficult. I doubt that as far as I can see, and I have always have had really good relationship with my colleagues, I have always been trusted to do my job and get results. I have never been spoken to or managed like this in my life. I no longer enjoy work
He hasn't been always like this, this started maybe 18 months ago. I was struggling to point I had counselling at the beginning of the year to see how I could manage my behaviour around him.

We talked about divorce earlier this year and he said how much he hates fighting and he really doesn't like how we are and I thought we had a break through. We didn't. He talks to me about work first thing while I'm trying to get ready for work and make sure the kids are on track for school. He talks to about work after work. There are no boundaries despite me asking for them. I was on annual leave one day and he was talking to me about work, I pointed out I was on annual leave and didn't want to think about work. He said to me, that's your problem you are a senior member of the team you don't get to switch of. I pointed out the rest of the team got to switch when they turned their laptop off.

Anyway he said to me today we aren't peers you need to do what I tell you, I was like oh fuck that's what you think. To be fair he has been telling me this with his actions and I have ignored it. This was after me conceding to changing something to the way he wanted and he just wanted to hash it over and over again to find out why we 'weren't aligned' despite me saying I am doing what you have asked.

Anyway and sorry this is long, I decided in counselling I liked my outside of work husband but didn't like my work husband but that's something I can live with. Now I don't know if I can tell them apart, he just isn't very nice or kind to me. We haven't had sex for a month, he moans I'm not affectionate, I'm not naturally a huggy, kissy person but even if I was I don't want to be nice to someone who is fundamentally unkind to me. I've just finished a big qualification and someone said oh my partner would be so proud of me if I did that and I just screwed my face up as I don't think he is. I mean he was supportive and entertained the kids loads to allow me to do it but I don't think he is proud. I think he thinks I'm stupid, we had a process on at work a number of years back and I spoke to a friend who is a mutual friend who was involved as my DH said something and I didn't recall it like that. Our friend said no your version is correct and he said he thought my DH should of had my back much more. He asked if I was doing the qualification on the back of what had happened and I said yes, sort off. He told me that was nuts, I shouldn't have to prove myself as I can do that simply by my career to date. He is right though he doesn't have my back. My friend said he was his wife's biggest champion I can't say that about my DH.

So just now he just came and talked about figuring a way to exit the business and said I could have the house and everything like it is his to gift me! He said he hates his life and he needs to do it and do you know what I was like okay then. I'm crying writing this but because this has made me realise how sad I am. I know if he was here he would dispute my version of events but he has a habit of looking at things with the benefit of hindsight. I don't know what I want from this post. I'm not ready to talk to anyone about this yet on RL. My kids will be devastated. But it was helpful just writing all this down. I might invest in a diary to capture my thoughts and feelings.

Both of you need to treat each other with respect.
Have no tolerance for being mean, swearing or talking roughly. You seem like you are in danger of becoming only work mates. Do you compliment DH on his work role?
You should both expect compliments and 'thank you' from each other.

Your DH is clearly as over stressed as you. When did he last have four weeks off?
You own the business so you need to instigate a separation in your roles. Do not work as closely together.
Never be in a position where you answer to each other.

Do not bring your work home. Have a space where you keep your work phones as you walk in. You might need to pay some people more at work to secure you both more time off together.

Do you need to sell the business? Clearly working together is DH's problem and it has spilled into your home life.
Counselling for you both?

Would expanding the business help?
Could one of you manage another office and team else where? Then, if your private life still is full of contempt from DH towards you, you could each take one section once divorced.

Running a business together can be hard. Not fair on the rest of the team to have to witness or deal with the marital tensions. I think there are things you can do - it might be hard to remove yourself from the business but it’s not impossible- you don’t need to be bought out, there are other arrangements that could be made with the shares, the company needs legal advice on this, you possibly need tax advice too.
Working separately would be essential but is it enough? I don’t think you like him very much, if the atmosphere changed between you with regards to work would you want to try to make a go of it?
I truly get the whole business thing - dh and I have been doing this for years and it can be really hard, there has been an occasion when I’ve asked him to move out for him to get space and re-centre. Thankfully that time has gone - but even now removing ourselves from the business has been challenging. The money is nice but the stress it causes isn’t - good luck with whatever you decide - you have options - you should talk them through when you’re both feeling calm.

He should leave and you should stay. You are better than him, he doesn’t like it, so he puts you down. You have appeased him to some degree by tolerating it for this long. Even now he is trying to call the shots. Take back your power, get legal advice and establish how you will deal with this. Your life sounds miserable.

Does the business turn a profit for the shareholders?

Can the business be sold?

Can you find another job and still receive shareholder profits?

The problem with exiting the business is that it is likely (depending on how you’ve set it up) to come with a massive tax bill when you sell your shares if the business is sold and you aren’t working for it. You would be much better off staying on as a non exec director if you continue to hold shares.

If you and your husband own the majority shares, I think that this might be the time to think about selling the business. Obviously I don’t know what stage it’s at, but it would be the only feasible way for you to both exit at the same time.

The problem with you exiting now, if you don’t sell your shares, is that it sounds like your husband is a bit of a twat. Being really honest, will the business work long term if you aren’t there to mitigate his decisions and stick up for the team etc. or will he run it into the ground?

The other option would be for the business to take a loan to buy your shares. Would it be in a position to do that? But if you stay with your husband and he runs the business into the ground then you’ll still have all the stress of that.

I would also add here, that I think you need to take a step back and try to work out whether there is something going on here business wise (as separate and distinct from your marriage).

Your op could also read “For 18 months my business partner has been really stressed. He hasn’t talked to me about any financial concerns but he is making poor decisions which are cheap and micromanaging the senior team.
He has previously had a reasonable work/life separation but now the only thing he thinks about is work from the moment he wakes up.
He has said he wants to exit the business, and is willing to offer me half of a house for the chance to do so.”

Could he be hiding a problem in the businesses?

Thanks for all the replies. The business is his baby and if he died tomorrow I'm not sure there is a clear successor, it wouldn't be me. It's very niche and at the beginning the expertise was all him but now also all the highly intelligent people we employ. I'm not being nice, it's a fact. I'm more of a support function that can be carried out in any business think IT, but I'm good at what I do. My job has become more strategic lately and I struggle to turn his vision into something real. We have meetings, he gives me direction and then what I deliver isn't what's in his head. It's exhausting. So I guess I'm leaning into his narrative of me being stupid. But it's not just me, I know this is happening in other areas of the business.

To someone who asked, we are the same age, and this isn't my first career although my first career compliments what I do now.

This isn't some tiny business we employ around 250 people, our industry is tough this year but we have a proper set up and turn over millions, we don't pay shareholders, but this was agreed years ago profits go back in the business it's a sensible business move we are all paid well across the business from most junior members upwards. It's not so easy to walk away. Thinking about it overnight if we do his plan of an exit it might be best for everyone.

There is no way I would be screwed over even if I was stupid or if he turned 'nasty' I'm in charge of finances at home so he couldn't hide anything, if I died tomorrow he would need to figure out where a few things are. Not that I'm hiding them just accounts in both our names that we hardly access. We had a finance team at work, he doesn't manage that, in fact I have access to the bank accounts to sign of any large payments (we sometimes need two of us), I don't think he knows his bank details to do this.

It's so sad we have always been a team, even when life was hard, babies, setting up the business and having no money. We are around 5 years off seeing the fruition of all our hard work and we just won't see it now.

Someone said DH is stressed, he is stressed because he doesn't trust his team, most of us are micromanaged. I would say our little team used to be pretty democratic and we made decisions jointly, but he is overriding some decisions (not mine), even though there are reasons for making these decisions he things his way is better. I sometimes agree with him, although this is less. I think he needs to give that person the place to run their team as they know their team better. One of our team said he should either take more control or just let us get on with it. No idea why this person said this as they are usually sensible, I'm assuming they thought he would choose the let us get on with it option. It doesn't look like he is.

It's hard to speak to the rest of the team, I'm the bosses wife despite my role. I don't want to put them in an uncomfortable position. I have one ally who is feeling as frustrated as me but she obviously doesn't live with him. Another guy I would consider us friends, we naturally work together a lot, but my DH told me something that has skewed my thought process. I think the other person was just moaning and it wasn't meant to get back to me, but it's made me a little careful around him.

Maybe I should take him up on his offer of mediation but someone not intimately involved in the business? I might be flogging a dead horse. When we work as a couple we are good, but I do think he has had contempt for me. If that's the case I'm not willing to live like that. He got up this morning and asked if I wanted to breakfast which is something he never does.

You made me laugh, he had never ever had a reasonable work/life balance. He said to someone recently he used to work 6/7 days a week. He did but the business was tiny and needed more from him. It doesn't now, and the kids demand his time so he rarely works on a Saturday although he might early mornings on the weekend.

I think you should take him up on his offer of a divorce OP. It's like living and working with an enemy, it's just horrible the way you describe it.

Do you love him?

@Sadlassie it is very hard I know and you have to have experienced it I think to fully understand - it’s also hard to walk away from something that has been such a huge part of your life for many years and built from scratch - at various points if I had won the lottery I would have said stuff it - it’s a bit like being an employee on first warning.

You are running a business together. And a family.
he sounds stressed. And is taking it out on you. And others.

would he consider therapy? For him. Then couples therapy when . He is in a better place?

he may also need a coach. Being a business leader in your own business. When you know you will want to exit to enjoy some retirement one day. Is stressful. And. It is sometimes too much and feels easier to bail out.

someone not connected to the business who has helped other business owners. Might be just what he. And you. And the business need.

are you members of a local business club? Rotary Club? Or similar? Or an industry group?
or ask your auditor / tax accountant if they can recommend anyone. Presumably you will ask them to help get the business ready to sell in a few years so worth having a chat now.

is he playing golf? Squash? Padel? Running? Dog walking? Encourage him to keep active and perhaps consider yoga or Pilates.

but you may want some couples counselling whatever happens

hope the both of you can get on the same page soon and destress this situation.

Screw that. I dont care how much money is tied up in everything, you owe it to yourself to make big changes now.

Either you leave the business or you leave your DH but in effect if you choose the second you will be choosing both anyhow.

Leave the business now. The money, the stress, the lifestyle isnt worth it and your DH will realise this when he sees the alternative of divorce when he HAS to buy you out.

Leave today, resign and deal with the fall out. Show your DH you are doing it for the sake of your marriage and if he values it he NEEDS to support it. Only then will you see if he wants to save your relationship.

You are not living a life putting up with all that shit.

Be careful not to accept the house in exchange your your share of business. My exh offered me this. Business was valued at 4x of house. I insisted on 50/50 of both and pension sharing.

OP the judge ordered my DH to buy my shares from me at full market value (which turned out to be a lot more than I imagined) or sell his shares to me or the business must be sold as a going concern and money shared equally. My exh tried to fob me off by saying I could keep house and he would keep business. Get business valued by big 4 firm of accountants because they use a formula to work out value including future value.

Do you think, if you exited the business, went off and got another job, your marriage might return to the fulfilling relationship it was? Maybe help him hire and train up someone else and job hunt yourself, with the company’s assistance?

It sounds like maybe he’s struggling in the business, not able, or fears he’s not able, to do what’s needed in the current situation or to bring about his vision of what the business should be (which may be a problem with the vision). He’s blaming his failings on those around him including, perhaps mainly, you. And while that’s a bad thing to do to others, it’s also not that uncommon in people who have the vision and drive to create something from nothing. It’s sort of the entrepreneur version of being promoted until you fail. So if you’re out of the milieu, he may change that focus of blame and disappointment onto people he still works with and become the nice guy he used to be outside of work?

I'd say divorce is ultimately the best way forward. The way he treats you in general is totally unacceptable. Even if he technically is your boss at work, he has no respect for either as a wife or a staff member.

No doubt he's trying to push you out of the business. I hope he leaves instead of you. As he's the one acting appallingly.

Could you leave and start a rival company?

You are being drained by this bellend and it sounds like he has been listening to women hating videos online or something.

Ugh OP, that sounds truly awful. You deserve so much better than this.

Do you have a personal lawyer? I really think you should get legal advice on all of this. I suspect he’s throwing the house your way because splitting everything 50/50 would cost him more.

This is an unusual situation and you should understand your rights not just as a spouse but also as a shareholder/employee (and the potential tax implications of it all).

He wants you to make the decision to end it, then you're the baddie!

You need a lawyer.Dont exit or sign anything until you do.

Thank you. Today was a 'normal day' at work and at home, like the conversation yesterday never happened. I want to complete one short course to really complete my CV so while I do that I'll give myself time to see what course of action to take. I'll get in touch with a lawyer I know personally and isn't involved in the business to get some advice and I'll work out next steps I'll also start keeping a diary.

If ye weren’t working together and in business together do you think the marriage would be salvageable?

It doesn’t matter what his version of events are, he’ll tell himself a story that suits his ego. Just look after yourself financially emotionally and physically and let him think about himself.