DP has been looking at dating sites

[Whattheactual11]

So DP and I both use the same tablet. I was checking back in the history for the name of a website and there was a search for a dating site. He never clears his history,

Then a few days later he had searched it again and the next two page hits were for onboarding and sign up. Nothing further after that.

This was last week. I’ve taken a few days to consider what to do. I know the obvious solution.

I really thought he was my life partner. We are both mid fifties, been together three years and are planning our wedding.

He is loving, attentive and I have never had cause to doubt him.

I was single for a few years before we met due to an abusive ex who destroyed my self esteem. I can’t go back to that life, always wondering what he is doing.

Don’t really know what I need from this, just need to get it out my head.

I'm really sorry OP.
The only positive is you have found this out now.

Sending you strength

So sorry OP, it's horrible to find out that someone you love isn't who you thought they were. Whatever happens next, know your own worth and put yourself first 💐

DUMP HIM.

I am sorry, OP. It must be utterly heartbreaking, especially so, as you have been planning your wedding.

Just to say, never blame yourself - these dating apps are teeming with married and attached men who clearly find it very easy to be so duplicitous, and no doubt an awful lot of those men who have no business being on dating sites, they too have partners and wives who love them and also believe they have a good relationship. It's just awful.

You are absolutely right not to go back to a life where you are always wondering what someone is doing. It's no way to live.

I hope you have good friends and family around you🌺

That's awful and I'm really sorry. However, it's good that you found out before you married him. Break it off and don't talk to him anymore after. It only prolongs the pain.

Thank you everyone. I know you are right @OneFairMintFawn and @Maltipoo, it’s just so hard. I’ve never met a man who apparently treats me so well 🫤 He’s kind, caring and will do anything for me.

I’ve always been an independent woman, it’s lovely to be taken care of.

Seeing it written down has made it real.

Perhaps focus on the fact you didn’t actually marry him, and saved yoursrlf the cost, stress snd embarrassment of everything falling apart afterwards. Anyone can pretend to be amazing but actually he is deeply dishonest. I would be wondering what else you don’t know.

I would end things, and tell him why. He is not your only chance of happiness op. There is a world of people out there.

I’m sorry, what a horrible thing to be to find out about the man who is supposed to love you. At least you’ve found out before you married the horrible turd.

I imagine that when you tell him what you saw, he’ll have excuses such as “my friend recently signed up and I was just looking at the site to see what sort of people are on it as I thought OLD was for younger people”. He may be quite convincing. Plan ahead for this because you need to be clear in your own mind before you have the conversation, about what you will and won’t tolerate.

Also, leaving aside the duplicity, anyone who does this without even attempting to cover their tracks is clearly a bit stupid - another reason to re-consider whether this is really life partner material.

They always turn out to be the worst offenders. Especially around that age. Sorry to be so pessimistic.

I wouldn't even have a conversation about it. He'll use it to make excuses and/or persuade you that he'll never do it again, that it's you he really wants. You'll find yourself giving him another chance, but you'll never really trust him, again, and you'll tie yourself up in knots questioning his movements and behaviours, in future. You know that isn't a life you want.

I know you are all right, and that I need to speak with him. It’s on my mind constantly.
Obviously I can’t carry on like this.

I don’t even have the energy to be really upset about it. I’m angry that he has disrespected me and what we have.

Same happened to me a few years ago. I found the link on his laptop and he had created a profile for himself saying he was single and looking for love - he swore he never met or spoke with anyone. Of course that is all he would confess to as i didn't have any more evidence. I was absolutely gutted and we split for about 7 months, he may as well had a full blown affair for how it made me feel. We then got back together and I swore if I saw a whiff of anything untoward again I would walk. A few weeks ago I popped round to his to surprise him and peeked at him through his window and could see he was staring at a semi naked woman on his phone. No idea what he was looking at but it is over. To be honest I should've just walked 3 years ago, it was never the same again and I lost all respect for him. He is mid 50s and I just think he is rather pathetic and sad he has given me the biggest ick. He is a man with a very fragile ego and I doubt any woman will ever fulfil him but good luck to whoever he moves onto.

Save yourself the hassle, he is NOT the man you think he is. I am sure it would'n't even enter your head to look so why is he?

How horrible for you @Seeyouincourtyoufool. And no, I would never be unfaithful at any level.
Maybe it was curiosity on his part, I don’t know.

Please don’t delude yourself I did that for 3 years. I would never be so curious to go on a dating website whilst in a loving healthy relationship, would you? He was window shopping, seeing what else is out there, who knows where it might’ve ended up. For me I could never trust him again, never look at him in the same light. He hurt me deeply and the problem is with something like this is it’s not full blown cheating so you aren’t sure if it’s that big of a deal. It is. It is hard when you discover you aren’t the only person in their head and you thought you were in a safe loving relationship. Good luck x