Started a new life and it’s not what I thought

[bellalou1234]

Hi mumsnetters I left a 17 year relationship that had its faults as I thought my life would be better on my own. I’ve made a big mistake i am so lonely i crave my old life it was comfortable. I’ve not many friends and can’t seem to find the motivation to even make the effort to go on work night outs or on planned days out. Has anyone got any tips or ideas as I feel like I’m existing at the minute

There’s must have been reasons why you ended the relationhsip
Everything is going to feel different for a while
and then it will feel better

There was but for some reason I look back with rose tinted glasses on. It’s been a year and things seem worse

Well it all depends on the circumstances you left it all behind for
If you look back logically and with a more unclouded mind set was things repairable and fixable
And was it a waste of 17 years just to look back after your out and think you want it
Was any of it worth to fight for and work at ask yourself that

Have you written down anywhere what the relationship was actually like, in reality? A diary, or a thread here? Because looking back with rose-tinted glasses is understandable to an extent, but it definitely isn't helping you.

What have you changed since you left? What have you added to your life over the last year?

To make any relationship work requires constant effort and your new life also required to rip make an effort to make it work. Maybe, if you didn't appreciate this, it had as much to do with why your previous relationship wasn't working as it does with why your new life isn't working. So what are you doing differently now you are on your own, how are you challenging yourself to push your own boundaries? Are you making the effort to meet new people, to build new, deep, meaningful and lasting relationships? What are doing in your time when you're not at work? Are you building relationships in written that extreme to outside work? Are you doing anything in a weekly basis - e.g. a sport or in any clubs or groups? Have you got any friends around you that will tell you what they think you need to hear, not just what you want to hear?

I think you need to see the GP. Not wanting to go out etc could be depression, linked to your huge life upheavel

A year is not very much time.
It takes a while to grieve, to reflect, to break habits, to start new things.
Why did you leave the relationship and are you doing anything to help yourself move forward?
Things take time, baby steps are fine but moving forward is important

I think sometimes when things are new and the future is unknown we are designed to be scared- it’s normal as our brains wish we had the safety and comfort that we had. Could it be the fear talking? You did the hard part and now have to work out how to live happily and what makes you tick. There are many ways that you can be less lonely but they are all quite scary putting yourself out there, joining things and getting out your comfort zone. I went though a big life change and a friend bought me a poetry book by Donna Ashworth - her words and wisdom really helped me through-

“Standing at the edge of a new chapter can be scary.
The desire to run back into the pages you know so well, is more than tempting.
But you must keep moving.
Chapters end, even the good ones.
And if you linger in the past too long, your story cannot unfold the way it should.
And you might just miss the most beautiful moments of your life, whilst grieving the ones gone by.
It’s scary at the edge my friend, I know.
But just jump.
You have so much ahead.
And the good stuff behind, will always be there.”

Donna Ashworth

If it helps OP, I feel exactly the same as you. Left a long term relationship (but not as long as yours was!), but left because my ex was becoming more and more controlling and I wasn't myself (I'm not sure what your own reasons were for leaving, but you must have ended it for a good reason). It was getting scary. I moved to a city I'd always wished to move to (clue is in the username) and I've been here 8 weeks. Living in a hotel room. Of course im lucky that the council have helped me. Some days are better than others, but some days I feel so lonely and worry i'll cave in and go back "home", to what is "safe", and worry I've made a huge mistake like my ex warned me I would. Yet I hated my home town and was very unhappy in my relationship. Its a huge adjustment to being on your own again, and that must be especially hard after 17 years! I'm getting counselling here and taking it day by day, and keeping in mind that it won't be like this forever, as it won't be for you ❤️