Advice , no judgement please!

[Messeduplady]

Over the last month I’ve developed really strong feelings for someone who’s married - he also feels the same but says he can’t/wont leave his family.
Ive never asked him to and I never would , I know realistically it would be to messy.

i see him everyday and it hurts to feel how I do about him but know we can’t be together. Nothing physical has ever happened but I’ve never felt how I feel about him and I now have no idea how to detach myself from him.

He says he has no problems in his marriage so my question was how can you feel like this about me if you’re ‘happily’ married?

I just need some advice on how to get over him when I know how he feels about me - he says he just wants to do the right thing by his family but he’s never met anyone like me.

I have no idea how I’ve found myself in this mess

It’s an easy mess to get yourself in. Tale as old as time. Easiest way to get out of it is to get some distance between you. Look for a new job and go no contact. It will hurt at first but for as long as you see this man you will be struggling against those feelings, especially as he has told you they are reciprocated. You’ve already crossed a line and either way you go now involves some level of heartache unfortunately- sorry OP x

This board is full of women who have been cheated on. Their husbands have abused them with the support of a willing other woman and removed their right to informed sexual consent, removal of their personal agency and have gaslit, lied, minimised and deceived them. They’ve developed anxiety, ptsd and often become suicidal. It’s painful to read and ‘no judgement please’ doesn’t work for me.

Your ‘declarations’ to this man and his responses have already crossed a very serious line.

He has made it clear he’s with his wife and intends to stay but your declarations are feeding this man’s ego and you’re doing it willingly. you’re providing dopamine hits and he’s clearly feeding you a line to keep them coming. Instead of concluding that he’s lying about being happily married, I’d conclude he’s lying about liking you as much as you think he does, as it’s clear that his wife is where he wants to be and to stay.

I really don’t understand the mindset of women who become other women. I don’t get why you would accept crumbs, and involve yourself in the abuse of another woman surely men that creepy and slimey give you the ick… it’s selfish and entitled.

Go no contact, change your job and grow up! Leave married men alone. The damage that could be done, you can never undo!

I’m afraid he’s playing you and enjoying the ego boost. Are you in a relationship?

You need to move on. This will not end well for you. Attraction is definitely a thing but so is planning out a decent life path for yourself and this will not give you a decent life path. You want advice so my advice would be move jobs, lock down communication and walk away. You are in limerence not in love, it will pass.

Sounds like you're ego fodder, sadly. He's enjoying the attention and that's as far as it will ever go.

Honestly, walk away from it. Be that changing office/jobs, however you have to do it. Because there really is no happy ending here.

What's limerence?
Seen this mentioned before but have never heard of it?

These things happen in terms of attraction but you don’t need to act on it. Telling him you are attracted to him wasn’t necessary. Create distance now and cold shoulder him if you can. It will blow over.

Limerence is like an obsessive type of attraction. Where you think about them 24/7 but - for a range of reasons - can’t be with them.
I’ve had it once. I’m just coming out the other side. It was awful. Now I can see that the guy probably got a bit of an ego boost from me - ok fine - but that was all he wanted from it and was happy to take whereas I became obsessed.

You don't really know him; this is most likely limerence.

Limerence is an involuntary state of obsessive, intense infatuation with another person, often referred to as the "limerent object," fueled by an uncertain desire for their reciprocation. It's characterized by intrusive thoughts, emotional dependency, idealization of the other person, and a dependence on their perceived responses, which can lead to mood swings and impaired daily functioning. This mental state was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov and is distinct from healthy love, often stemming from an individual's internal needs rather than the actual person.

Create some distance between you.

Thanks everyone - never heard of Limerance before but it makes sense.

@Furrylittlesweetpotatoes thanks for your response. The point I was trying to make is that I haven’t asked him to leave his wife and I wouldn’t.
in fact whatever it was is done - I was asking for advice on how to help deal with it on my own without involving him. Yes me and him had a conversation where we admitted feelings but that was the extent of it and I’m now trying to deal with it in a way going forward that’s for the best.

@Messeduplady You already crossed a line by even going near a feelings conversation. Honestly if you were his wife would you be ok with a woman from the office declaring this sort of thing to your husband?

And you question whether he is happily married, you might think you wouldn’t have taken this further if he was willing but I’m not convinced. But if you say you wouldn’t then fair enough. But I think you’re minimising the conversations you have already had with this creep.

Limerence is a good shout. It’s very overwhelming and tbh I think it’s the root cause of a lot of affairs, it quickly wears off and leaves a trail of destruction.

But ultimately surely you can see you deserve better than a married man seeking pathetic ego kibbles and validation outside his marriage, putting his family’s security at risk?

I need to be very honest with you, because this situation is not what you think it is. The feelings you believe are being reciprocated aren’t truly real—he does not feel the same way that you do. What you’re experiencing is more of a fantasy than reality. Hoping for a “happily ever after” with a married man is not realistic—it’s fictional.

There are literally billions of single, unattached men in the world. Why pour your heart into someone who is already taken, who has shown you he’s willing to betray his vows? That alone makes him undesirable. Why swoon over a man who cheats on his wife, and worse, why help him do it?

It’s also concerning that you’ve developed such strong feelings for someone you don’t even truly know after only a month. That shows this isn’t about him so much as something you’re projecting and craving within yourself. You need to ask why you’ve latched on so quickly to someone unavailable.

There are billions of single, unattached men in the world. Why invest yourself in a man who is already taken, who is actively cheating, and who clearly doesn’t value you in the way you wish he did? That alone makes him undesirable. Why swoon over someone who betrays his wife, and worse, why help him do it?

He will never be yours. He doesn’t see you in high regard—he loves his wife, and she accepts this type of behavior. This is not his first time crossing lines. You are not “the exception,” no matter what he says.

It’s time to step back and reflect on why you’re intentionally self-sabotaging, why you find this dynamic so appealing, and what you’re so desperately seeking in a situation that can only hurt you. Therapy could be an important step in helping you address those deeper patterns.

The healthiest decision is to cut him off completely. If that means leaving your job, or wherever you see him everyday..do it. Don’t keep entertaining something toxic and one-sided. You need to grow, progress, and learn to love and respect yourself first. Please don’t involve yourself with anyone else until you can do that.

You deserve far more than crumbs of attention from someone else’s husband. Go after a man who is single, unattached, and capable of giving you his whole heart. Married men are off-limits. Do better—for yourself.

It was really inappropriate to tell him how you’re feeling. He committed a more serious error by entertaining the conversation. I really think my dh would just shut that kind of conversation down if a colleague started telling him that (plus he’d be mortified!).
Be honest wirh yourself - you say you wouldn’t want to break up his marriage but say he’d lent over and tried to kiss you then - are you really saying that you wouldn’t have kissed him back?
He’s not got strong feelings for you - probably just fancies this new woman at work a bit who fancies him and that’s an ego boost. Aim higher.

No judgement? You sound really immature.

Stop seeing him and stop speaking to him. No good will come of it.

He has literally told you that he is happily married and has no intention of leaving his wife. I would bet my life he’s hoping that you will accept that and go for it anyway, be his ”bit on the side”. Absolutely not, this is not a good man. A good man doesn’t confess feelings for someone else whilst married. Being attracted to other people is normal. How you deal with it reflects your character. Would you want to be with him and have him do this to you? You thinking all is rosy in the garden whilst he is making declarations of “lurve” to some other woman? I think not. Cut him off and move on.