How to end an emotional affair

[PearlRobin]

I know I'm going to, very rightly, get told how awful I am for having an emotional affair in the first place (that's why the name change) and I completely agree (and only calling it an emotional affair to be clear what's happened, not to excuse it). I know I'm 100% in the wrong, I've admitted it to DH and am doing everything I can find, and that he's asking for, to repair the damage.

One of those things is ending the contact completely - DH hasn't even asked me to, he says at some point we can talk about what we both want to 'be able to do', but I know I need to end it completely, anything less isn't fair. It started out of me feeling very depressed and lack of self-esteem, not out of generally wanting something more - not that that's any excuse but just to make it crystal clear I'm not hoping for an open marriage etc etc.

The only thing is I've been talking to the other man (OM) for months now, and we partly connected because we were both struggling with depression/ bad mental health and I can see now this isn't the answer but he can't - and his marriage is 'open', so he doesn't even understand it on the level of hurting the other person. I think this is his genuine view, not just a convenient way of trying to keep the contact going, due to his very messed up backstory.

I would happily say bye right now but my own fear, guilt, people pleasing etc etc is terrified if I do what if his mental health spirals down and leads to self-harm as he's spoken about in the past? I've had so much trouble ending completely platonic friendships for the same reasons before so this isn't about wanting to keep the affair going for me.

Feel free to tell me how awful I am for my side of it, I'm telling myself that, but please does anyone have any advice as well how to cut things off without feeling like I'm causing lots more hurt on top of what I've already done?

Wow OP this OM is manipulating you massively.

Telling you that he will take his own life, your indicating to you that that is going to happen if you choose you and your marriage? Just wow. Open your eyes, one thing for sure with this kind of behaviour is you will NEED to think about YOU. not him. YOU.

Choose you, then go and talk to your DH because the reason you are pushed into believing this OM has the solution for you, or is a temp band aid, you have work to do, on yourself. NO man is going to safe you, ever. Only you can.

But this OM is manipulating you and you will NEVER be responsible if he chooses to take his own life, never. Not your action, and not your doing.

Go and do self care, and stop looking for the solution or comfort in this manipulative individual.

He's not telling me he will though, that makes it harder, if he was manipulating me I wouldn't care about the effect on him. It's going on things he's discussed in the past about how he's struggling and how much our conversations help him, I'm the one expecting this to make his mental health go into a downturn, he hasn't said it. But yes, I need to do so much work on myself, I'm starting therapy soon.

If he has a mental health crisis, that's for his doctor to remedy, along with his friends and family (and wife). You're looking for an excuse to remain in contact.

if he’s having these issues then he can deal with them without you. its not your responsibility to keep him in a good head space. as you said, he has a wife, he can lean on her

Tell him you've told your DH and you wwnt to concentrate on your own marriage and mental health and wish him well.

OP you are not responsible for this man. But if you continue to cater to him, you will loose out elsewhere, you DH. Your homelife and the perks that come with a marriage.

This man will never commit to you, and two depressed individuals are not a great party long term.

You owe all your consideration and concern not to this other man but to your husband. If you disagree then ask yourself whether your marriage is over or not. The other man should not get involved with a married woman and in so doing he's show complete absence of consideration for anyone but himself. He is harming you!

It’s simple. If you are serious about repairing your marriage, you wish him well and end contact. He is not your responsibility.

You are not responsible for this man's welfare or mental health. Do you want to put yourself, your husband and saving your marriage first, or do you want to put your emotional affair partner first?

Which is it to be?

Exactly what @Motcouksaid - you owe this man nothing and your focus should be on your marriage. No hate from me as I’ve been in a similar situation. You acknowledge you have people pleasing behaviours, and struggle with guilt and fear - you need to put in boundaries to protect yourself. Redirect your energy on repairing your marriage. If you must, let OM know that you have realised that your relationship is causing harm and distress and that you will not contact him again. Delete the OM number - don’t just block it, delete it.

If he cares about you, he’ll understand when you say that you’ve recognised the friendship has crossed a line into being far too intimate and you need to work on rebuilding your relationship with your DH, and part of that means not entertaining your inappropriate friendship and breaking it off completely. If he doesn’t understand that, then he doesn’t care for you - in which case you should find it much easier to let him go.

He’s being manipulative with his claim that he doesn’t “understand” from the perspective of the other person the harm an affair causes because his marriage is open. My marriage is open: I understand perfectly that getting involved with people who are not in open relationships harms their partner and relationship, because it’s a breach of trust, so I don’t do it.

He needs to find himself a counsellor to talk to about his mental health and self harm. It’s not fair of him to be burdening anyone who doesn’t have the professional skills to with that level of “conversation”, however much it helps him. You can tell him you’ll be starting therapy for your own troubles soon and advise him to do the same. Therapy should help you recognise that what you’re calling “people pleasing” is actually much less about trying to please other people, and this man, as it is not wanting to feel uncomfortable yourself and therefore taking the easier route of not doing or saying the things which make you feel uncomfortable, like being firm in ending this friendship.

You will have to go no contact, you will have to eventually speak to DH about it all be honest so that closure can happen and trust can start to rebuild
Then the guilt will heal and less stress
And talk with your DH about the depression and MH
Communication helps in a relationship and helps keep that closeness helps you emotionally bond to.

Also look into limerence it will probably help and make sense
Could make you understand more

You're all right, thanks for the responses above. He hasn't been openly trying to make me feel guilty but we've shared how we both struggle without friends, he's shared his marital problems and family problems and how he's been in counselling for ages but doesn't feel he's getting much from it - all adding up to me feeling guilty about changing what he gets from me but you're all right that I need to. We also do a hobby together, only online, but again it gives me one more thing to be 'taking away' from him.

Thanks for the view from an open marriage, he's said before he doesn't think there's anything 'wrong' because it's only talk, not a physical affair but again, that's not how I feel, it's all attention and secrets I can't share with my DH so it needs to end.

Saying all that, I completely agree I need to redirect my energy onto my marriage and I'd choose my DH/marriage over OM any day so I know I need to do that, just wish I didn't have the overwhelming people pleasing guilt. Hopefully therapy will help too. I've started to look into limerence too but think I need to do a lot more reading.

Just delete his number and show discipline. Stop analysing. It sounds like you’re looking for any reason to stay in touch.