The friendship I have feels awkward

[Rosiecidar]

I have a good friend, she's interesting, intelligent and kind. I have known her for 6 years. We lived in the same block of flats although she moved a few years ago.
She's become increasingly off in her behaviour, for example not offering to buy a coffee after I have made dinner. Another a few weeks ago was that she invited me out to celebrate my birthday, picked a restaurant, said happy birthday etc asked all about it and when the bill came she split it (which actually worked out in her favour as I didn't drink). Before that lunch I had invited her to a dinner party last weekend, on the day she cancelled and said she couldn't make it. Just that, not "I am not feeling well" literally "I am not going to make it". She also mentioned that a colleague in the company where she has worked for many years complained that she rude and raised a grievance. She never used to be like this, she was generous and polite before. My plan is to create some distance as I feel every time we meet there's something off...and of the last three times we have met two have been meaning inviting her to dinner !

Hi OP, reading between the lines it sounds like she could have life stuff going on affecting her mood, possibly financial based on your post. Was the dinner party at your house or a restaurant? If the latter maybe she couldn’t afford it and didn’t want to lie and say she was ill.

If it was me and it was a good friend I’d want to try and find out if they were ok. People rarely shift demeanour without reason. Even something medical like a change in medication/s or a UTI can cause an out of character shift

The dinner was at my house. The last time when she had invited me out for my birthday was her choice of restaurant, the time before that was again dinner at my house. I don't think it's financial, her lifestyle doesn't suggest this. I actually sent her a message asking if she was unwell and hoped she was ok . To be honest a couple of people couldn't make it and apologised and explained, I find it quite rude to not explain even in vague terms.

Yes I agree I much prefer to be given a reason for cancellation, I had a similar blunt ‘I won’t be coming’ message (for a group get together) recently and that felt rude. Is not hard to say even say sorry I won’t be able to make it along after all but hope you have a nice time (etc etc) manners don’t cost anything and if I have to cancel I give the reason or if I don’t want to specify the reason say something like the above.

Sounds unlikely to be financial then. Have you heard from your friend?

It's not entirely clear to me what the issue is. They all seem like separate, minor, unrelated situations.

She didn't buy you a coffee after you made her dinner -- but presumably these were two separate occasions? You didn't go out for coffee after dinner at your house? I wouldn't expect her to 'repay' me for a dinner.

Are you saying that you'd expected her to pay for you on your birthday because she was the one who invited you out and chose the restaurant? Did she say in advance she was going to treat you? If so, the time to raise that was at the time.

I couldn't get excited about her not providing a token excuse for pulling out of your dinner party. Some people invent excuses, others don't.

And I don't think a colleague raising a grievance has anything to do with the rest of it.

None of it seems to me like any reason to distance yourself from her. Stop inviting her around for dinner if you feel that way?

If you are feeling the friendship is financially unequal in some way it’s up to you to articulate this. People have different expectations about money, you may expect her to treat you if you’ve made her dinner but she could be completely unaware of this (unless you tell her).

if she’s a kind person and you value her friendship, why not try and find out what’s up with her if her behaviour’s changed recently?

It sounds like you’d prefer for her to make something up if she’s unable to attend a meet up for the sake of preserving the social flow rather than be honest, in which case you’re probably not well matched as friends.

You’re interpreting her not paying and responding bluntly as her pulling away from the friendship. This might be the case, but without talking about it you won’t know. Seems a shame to lose a good friendship based on projections.