Back up plan if no better options!

[NopeNotFluffy]

I have been seeing someone for 6 weeks or so. This weekend I am child free, I asked if he had any free time on one of the days and fancied a road trip to a place we both wanted to go. He was enthusiastic at the time, now he is back tracking and saying it depends whether he has got to do some other stuff he has ongoing commitments with and won’t know until later in the week.

He said “but would definitely still like to do something” - however I don’t have absolutely masses of spare time, kids work home etc, and so am really not keen to wait until Thursday or Friday to find out if he is free even for something else because I will miss the opportunity to plan an alternative if it ends up he can’t. It feels like I am a back up in case he can’t find anything more interesting to do!

Annoyingly the place we both wanted to go is an interest we share but not many of my other friends do, so I either don’t go or go alone. Neither appeal!

Would I be unreasonable to just go ahead and plan my weekend now and if he can’t make it then tough?

Or am I overthinking? We are both a bit dismissive so I might be needing a bit of a sanity check/someone to tell me what’s healthy- I am trying really hard to move past my previous defaults.

Cant work it out on my head so would appreciate MN views.

I would give him a cut off that you think is reasonable and would allow you time to make other arrangements and say if he doesn’t confirm by then then you will arrange other things as you don’t want to be left with nothing to do. I don’t know what the other things are or how important they are but if I really wanted to go I’d make it happen.

No, why would it be unreasonable?

it’s unreasonable of him to expect you’ll just wait around when he hasn’t bothered to make any definitive plans.

Just go ahead and plan your weekend without him, he doesn’t have any firm arrangements and he’s not jumping at the chance to go with you, I think he just hasn’t got the balls to say no thanks.

My first thought was to that if it’s not an enthusiastic yes now, then to just plan something else anyway, but I know my tendency to do this might not be especially healthy so I am working on establishing more realistic boundaries and expectations for myself. It’s useful to get other people’s opinions on what’s reasonable to help me do this so that’s why I was asking 🤷‍♀️

This is what I’m thinking, he has said that he does not have any specific plans this weekend. I just don’t want to wait around on the off chance that he is free, so will be planning my weekend and will let him know what the plans are so if he then chooses to make his own plans that mean we can’t go its a shame but I get a clear message about whether he is actually that interested.

That would be mine too. But mine also probably also do lean to the unreasonable.

If I wanted to enjoy my free time, I would be making plans for myself. If that particular activity is something I wouldn't enjoy alone then I'd choose something else I know I will. If I'm feeling generous I might invite them with the expectation that I'm going alone anyway so it's not a disappointment or resentment.

I hope you enjoy your time! Precious child free hours. Living vicariously through you 😅

I think personally I’d arrange to go alone (why not if it’s an interest to you?) and if he wants to join you he can. But I’d let him plan the next weekend. And if he doesn’t then you have your answer. But at 6 weeks I’m not sure I’d be that bothered

Don't wait around on him. Make your plans without him and enjoy yourself.

Always keep your own life going when you encounter these push pull dudes. If he wants to be a part of it, he has to step up and act like he's excited about going on a little road trip or whatever with you.

Have you explicitly said your free time is limited and valuable, so you need to know for definite, otherwise you'll make other plans?

He doesn’t sound all that interested in seeing you. Make other plans. You shouldn’t be waiting around to see if he graces you with his presence this early on.
If he wanted to see you he would. Or he’d tell you why the other commitment is important so you could understand. He’s done neither.

Thanks for all your advice :)

I text on Weds asking if he was about at the weekend and fancied getting together. He said yes will be fab I’ll confirm when I’m available, might be Saturday afternoon/evening might be Sunday but I will let you know tomorrow. That was yesterday, we text a few times during the day like usual but he didn’t mention anything at all about the weekend.

So there’s my answer!

I’m off out with friends tonight anyway and have decided to do the road trip alone anyway, @Gymbunny2025 you're right I can do it by myself if I want to and I am looking forward to it now!

What would everyone’s advice be if he now says “hey shall we get together like we said? Saturday ok?” I have a feeling that this is what he will do because that’s been his MO for other things. But I’m doing the thing that we talked about doing together. It doesn’t matter whether I do it Saturday or Sunday. But I don’t want him to think that my life is just there waiting for him to join in with at his leisure!

if someone is showing who they are this early, believe them…

6 weeks in if that's his wishy washy, won't commit to plans because not sure what else I'll be doing attitude then it will only get worse, especially if you facilitate it! Make plans and when he gets back to you say well I didn't think you sounded that keen and I don't get much free time so didn't want to waste it, I'm doing x, y and z. If he's interested he'll sure as hell make sure he gives you a better answer next time

Make a great day of it OP, and let this one slide, he sounds so rude making you wait, not giving you his time, like he is just waiting for something juicier to pop up. And if you accept that, it will be like that your whole relationship.

Given Saturday is tomorrow I'd say something like "Oh, that would have been great but it's a bit last minute now for me. Another time." Then see what happens.

You snooze you lose, I've got plans is your answer if he tries this the day before the weekend.

He's already taking you for granted 6 weeks in. He should be at least a bit excited to go on a little road trip with you. But he can't even bother to text you his availability when he said he would and that says it all.

He's an avoidant. I had one. They don't change infact they get worse! Run now and enjoy your weekend. There will be someone else falling over themselves to be with you. Throw him back x

He's an avoidant. I had one. They don't change infact they get worse! Run now and enjoy your weekend. There will be someone else falling over themselves to be with you. Throw him back x

I’d say sorry I’ve already made plans now and even if I was at home just washing my hair, I wouldn’t be anyone’s last minute back up plan. Sounds like he waiting for another date to confirm or not.