Sister only wants to relate via sympathy for her - how to deal?

[Iamburntout2025]

My sister leads a nice life. Stay at home mother, high earner but relaxed and pleasant husband, high flyer well-behaved daughter in secondary school, plenty of money, holidays away every school holidays, overseas frequently, zero caring duties, plenty of being taken out to lunch by our parents and sympathised with because our mother had a similar kind of life.

My sister never mentions any of the positives though. on the rare occasions she writes to me it's to tell me about something dreadful like how daughter had a tiff with a friend or got in trouble at school for wearing the wrong shoes (the school just doesn't understand her!!!), how the grandparents couldn't babysit, or sister's latest health woes. This week it's an MRI and an X ray because her wrist is sore from playing the cello. I've had 5 emails about it.

Sister definitely always wants to get THE MOST sympathy, particularly for health woes.

She is completely incapable of offering any.

So over the years I've told her things like

• my child has been diagnosed with autism and I have no idea if he will ever learn to talk or live independently... zero response

• my child has been expelled from school for behavioural issues and I have to leave my career to homeschool him because there are no schools that will take him... "I had to homeschool in lockdown, it was LOVELY, you're going to love it, so much better than school" and later "well you choose to homeschool him, you don't have to do that, so his social issues are your fault really"

• we don't go on holidays because we can't afford it... "Well maybe we could come over to you and we could all have a skiing holiday? You could pay for the accommodation, ski costs and food though as with our outgoings AND paying for flights we just can't really afford anything else, private school fees are SO expensive"

Recently I said something about my son being rejected from every school in our town except for the one that has aid they'll expel him if he's disruptive (with autism and ADHD unsupported in class, of course he'll bloody be disruptive, and they know it). No response... until the barrage of emails about her sore wrist.

I'm so bloody tired of this. It's been like this since she always used to scream and have to have a plaster for her knee if I had fallen over and hurt myself. I learnt very quickly that my needs didn't matter. Mother always treated her like she was made of porcelain and me as though I was an unwanted piece of plastic. And we're still in this bloody rut and we're on the wrong side of 40.

Honestly, what would you do?

You don't sound like you like her very much. Maybe you should limit the amount of contact you have with her?

Autism runs in families? She’s probably ND herself?!

So there is zero reciprocity and you are just there to listen to her woes.
if you want to still keep some sort of relationship I’d let this drift and see her less.
And look for people as friends who are capable and willing to both talk and listen. People with empathy.

Well she doesn’t sound very likeable to be fair!
Low contact is a good idea.

Mirror her behaviour? Waffling on about a sore wrist - no response from you.

I’d ignore the emails.
If one comes through asking why you’re not responding, I’d state quite clearly that you thought she was just venting as your emails to her when life is tough go wholly not responded to.

Stop trying to have a relationship with her that she isn’t capable of having. Stop sharing so much with her. Focus on your friendships instead.

She isn’t interested in you or your child. So go very low contact. Don’t answer her emails. If she picks you up on that, just tell her you were struggling with your child. Every time.

There’s no law that says you have to be close to your siblings. I’d just stop contacting her, and reply in a non commital brief way when you feel you have to reply to her.

There are plenty of these types about. They are draining to deal with if you give it too much oxygen. A more polite version of thumbs up type response perhaps and then eye roll. You are just not well suited. Accept it. She is not a person for you to offload to.

She sounds awful - one of those people who drone on and on about themselves and showing any interest in anyone else just doesn't feature on their radar. You'll never change them unfortunately, as they have a single view of the world with them at the centre of it all. Even if you called her out, she'd deny her behaviour and you'd be the big meany.

As others have said, the only way to deal with her is to reduce your contact with her and give the absolute minimum in your responses - don't rush to reply and say something neutral like 'oh dear, hope you get it sorted'.

Thanks all, I was worried I was being too harsh. She is an oxygen thief that (40mumble years on) can't get over the fact I was born and took away some of the attention...

No, you're not being too harsh at all. Many of us will have come across people like that at some point in our lives - they're not nice to be around.

She sounds insufferable. Theres a group on facebook called not fine in school, join that for support and advice
www.facebook.com/share/g/1CRsTkF9u9/?mibextid=wwXIfr

How does a fire keep burning, you give it oxygen - its time to quench that flame. Don't give oxygen to her woe is me comments. If she starts up about her wrist, comment on the weather, the news, the grass outside. She will get the message

What's the real problem here - is it really that she's living a gilded life and has no idea of what adversity is, that your mum pets and indulges her?

Or is it a sense of unfairness? You've said clearly that she's the wanted child child and you're treated like the unwanted one. If that really is the case, then your sister might genuinely be a precious princess but your deeper and more pressing problem is with your mother. Being treated unequally is extremely destructive in all sorts of ways.

Where is your dad in this situation?