Dating a widower with adult son…

[Twimbledonia]

…who is so hostile to me that it is distressing his father.
Son is 26, married, good job, expecting a baby. Lives locally and constantly texting/calling/facetimimg his dad, seeking help with DIY etc.
Quite impulsuve and high maintenance (bought a dog on s whim without telling his wife etc.)
Actively trying to sabotage our relationship by demanding his dad’s presence at times he knows we have plans.
We have never met but he has characterized me as a gold digger. (I am fully financially independent, own home etc and no desire to move in with bf.)
The sabotage is working because I have now pretty much decided to end the relationship as it will only get worse when the new baby saints with babysitting duties etc.
I am sad because his dad Is lovely man so adores me but feels guilty and trying to be mum and dad to his son. I knew he will be hurt by us breaking up and he deserves happiness, but I doubt his son will accept anyone.
It there anytime else in, or has been in, a similar situation?
Just wanted to share as no-one to tell in RL.

Not a child but a female ‘best friend’ . Like your situation she was demanding his attention when we had plans etc. and he’d jump.
The son is a grown adult and your bf should have better boundaries so it’s an issue with him too . When you end it make it clear what the issue is as this problem will just keep repeating for him in the future .

As a widow with an adult son I’d definitely say walk away. Ds is civil to dp at least and it’s nothing like you describe, but it’s not brilliant and it definitely affects us both.

I mean your boyfriend is part of the problem too.

But ultimately you are doing the right thing as this will never go away or resolve and every nice celebratory event (Christmas birthdays new babies) will be marked with tension hostility and sadness.
It's no way to live and there are no easy answers for your partner.

For yourself you should end it. The son will likely start using the GC in his games going forward - its too much nonsense to be dealing with.

In my case it was DH's daughter. This was over 30 years ago. His son has been brilliant, she's toxic and has effectively cut herself off from her father.

Thank you so much for your kind responses.
I did have doubts at the beginning as to whether it was wise to get involved.

Unless your boyfriend is prepared to stand up for you and put boundaries in place with his son, this is going nowhere. And it doesn't sound like he is willing to do that. You don't need the conflict and aggravation in your life, I'd end the relationship and find someone who doesn't have the emotional baggage that he does.

As above. It's on your boyfriend to stand up and speak to his son. If he has not done this then I would break up with him too as it will get worse.

I had similar, OP. And yes, as others have said, if your DP is not prepared to stand up to the bullying then that's the end of that I'm afraid. In my case, my partner did stand up to his selfish daughter and although I stayed right out of it, it has affected their relationship. She's 40 and married with children!

It's up to your bf to make sure his son knows there are boundaries and that you are important to him. If he won't do that there's no chance of a happy relationship as you will always feel second best. How long ago was he widowed as that could affect his sons attitude.

If he won’t tell his son to back off, it can’t work.

How long has it been since he was widowed?

How does your DP respond to the son when they treat you unkindly? unkindly?

Thank you.
He was widowed about a year when we met (through mutual friends, tho’ I didn’t know him or his wife at all before that). She had been ill and in and out of hospital for two years before that - he visited her every day while she was in hospital. Neither of us was looking to date -we just met and started dating. Unfortunately he was very keen to tell people about us and told his son after our second date… -which did startle ne too! He is lovely, gentle, naive, and thought his (married) son would be pleased that he wasn’t sitting at home being lonely… We have been on a couple of holidays together -the first was 2 1/2 mints into our relationship, because it has just been a very happy natural evolving friend ship- lots in common and the s&x was amazing. I did think it a bit soon to go
on holiday but we had a great time.
We met about 7 months ago and been together nearly 6 months..

A women would have female friends (or MN!) to counsel taking it slowly, but as a man he doesnt have male friends who would advise him.
We have discussed this and his view is thst his son will come round eventually. But on Saturday when we had evening plans (nothing major, just to chill at his house with a takeaway), his son asked him to come and watch him playing football in the afternoon, so he assumed he’d be home by 6 and in fact messaged me to say they were on their way home and would be back around 6.30 -no problem.
Son insisted on driving them and then announced on the way home that he and his wife wanted to ‘pop into’ IKEA (!!!!) so my bf went along with this. I’m annoyed that he didn’t say he had plans because of course they were in there for hours. He messaged me at 7 to say that son and wife were looking at wardrobes, at which point I messaged to say better to cancel our plans (was obvious they’d be there for ages and it’s more than an hour from home.)
I then went out with friends.
He did message back a few times later that evening (they were in IKEA till 9!) and the next day, but I was just getting the ‘ick ’ as there have been similar episodes in the past, and I just see it getting worse.

Mmm. Men in general do seem to move on more quickly than women after a partners death but he is clearly naive about his son’s views (his son may have been supporting him a lot? Who knows) and also a year for an actual relationship is short. I will admit I was seeing people from about that time but certainly not introducing them to ds or friends, or tbh for anything but casual.

What a manipulative arse his son is, OP. In my case, my partner's daughter refuses to acknowledge that I exist, 5 years after we started dating. We started dating very soon after his late wife died, as is common with men, but we took it slowly, just being friends for a long time. I did understand it all at first. But it made no difference, his daughter went ballistic and even though we are married now, I still do not exist in his daughter's eyes. My family has welcomed my DH with open arms, and he is a lovely man.

It is his daughter's loss. I am not really upset, because my DH supported me and also I have never met the daughter and probably never will. That said, I would be happy for a rapprochement . I suppose she doesn't know how to back down. That's how ridiculous some people are, though. There was no way she was going to 'allow' her father to move on and have a life, after the death of her mother.

I don’t understand this. One would hope that an adult son would want contentment for his remaining parent and if not, is it right to end a relationship that makes you happy just to appease him?

He thinks youll take his inheritance

Which means he will be stepping up to provide care for his dad later on natch. So the inheritance doesnt go on care fees

Yes he did say at one point ‘for god’s sake don’t get her pregnant’ -I am 64!😂😂😂