Any advice for a difficult step-parent?

[MercerW]

LONG POST ALERT.

Hi everyone.
I am new here, but something happened today that rocked my confidence and really angered me to the point I havent felt in a long time. But first a little back story:

I have two lovely twin boys who are now 9 years old and doing well at school, are poliete and kind and shaping up to be great little men. I have been separated from their father for about 6-7 years, and shortly after he ended things he found a new partner from his work. I moved out of his mums house where we were living, and took our own house off the market to move back in it. We decided to equally share the parenting time as you do to keep things fair. So sometimes the boys were at my house and sometimes they were at his with his new partner.

It was difficult having twins by myself, with non of my family close to help but i managed as you do. Years went by and eventually I found a new partner too and moved into a bigger home and was finally happy and secure. Things went fine for a long time. Each of us did our share of parenting and that was that.

I only recently started to communicate personally with his partner ( now fiancee), instead I only used to message him because he is their father and I didn't really see a need to contact her over things...that was until he started to become more unreliable at answering messages to do with our boys. So I asked for her number. And for a bit we were cordial and poliete, nothing friendship wise but just what you need to be to get by, on good terms etc. I'd be able to ask her things about my boys when my ex was too busy with work or when he claimed his phone was flat or acting up. She seems to love and adore them and does a lot for them which I have always been thankful for. Especially as I find it difficult to be social with any of the other parents at the school gates and don't really feel comfortable persuing that side of parenting. As long as my boys are happy and healthy, I don't mind my ex and his gf being more socially active with other parents.

I always am responsive to any other parent who approaches me and wants to organise sleep overs or play dates. But as I have social anxiety, I find it super difficult to participate in birthday parties, except to drop off and pick up. I always get to their sports days and plays, even though they can be very overwhelming and crowded ( the school has a very small hall and the seats are limited so the parents are all very huddled together). I want to be able to support them in that way dispite my discomfort.

My ex and his partner have naturally fallen into buying school uniform for the boys mainly, even though I have bought them some in the past. My ex has only asked me to pay half once before which I did. I was then never involved when or where the uniform was purchased, and never told about when they had acquired it to pay anything back. A few weeks ago my ex asks me to pay half this time so I agreed. A week or so goes by, then my eyes gf messages me on the Friday before they start back at school after summer saying they need to have hair cuts, and she hadn't had time to organise it. I said I would check but any barbers near me were appointment only and were all fully booked ( I guess because every other parent had the same idea to get a hair cut for new school year). Even my own barbers had no space left for the weekend. She pressed us to go get their hair cut at one they took the boys too on occasion. This was walk in service. So we went. On the Saturday before school started. The salon is in a major shopping centre, and it was very busy. Already I felt anxious - my new partner who is autistic was also very anxious. But we pressed through crowds to the salon. Many people were waiting and I asked the lady how long the wait was...it was an hour and 40 - 2hrs. Which felt like an eternity with 2 bored 9 year old and an extremely overwhelmed autistic partner. We tried waiting, got Starbucks, but when we went back to the salon it was still so long to wait. We couldn't stay there all day, as my partner works from home and needed to go back.

We give up eventually. And I text my exes gf to let her know we couldn't do it. She started to get pushy and slightly more demanding, asking why we didn't say certain things to the Salon lady, and why we didn't do certain things. ( we had never been to this salon before so had no idea of its inner workings, unlike she who did know). We get home and she is clearly agitated in the texts back and forth, almost like she was desperate for their hair to be cut before school. Which I just didn't understand tbh. They didn't look unkempt. She then said she had found a barber 15mins from our house to a nearby town I'd never been too, and expected us to book a cut at 8:30am on the Monday morning. Again my anxiety rocketted and her expectation of me just following orders really threw me. Maybe it's just me but...its just a haircut?. I mean I don't understand why to this day she was so pressed about it. We refused to go. But, I managed to book in with my own barber for the next weekend. And I thought that would be fine seeing as though the boys were only at school for three days that week due to teachers days.

It wasn't fine for her. She told me sternly to cancel the appointment and that she would get them booked in somewhere that afternoon. Which made me think, what was even the point of us going to the stresssful, crowded shopping centre and trying then if she could have booked something anyway?. Maybe I did something wrong or upset her accidentally?. But I was frustrated that she seemed so adamant to get my boys hair cut before school like it was a do or die situation. My boys really didn't care about their hair being cut when I asked them, and one refuses to cut his hair because he wants it longer - which is absolutely fine by me. Its his hair, and he should be allowed autonomy over it.

Fast forward to recently.
About the school uniforms. The time comes and my ex drops a message saying it cost them 400 quid for all the uniform. So I was to pay 200. Which I though was ridiculous at first and I may have slightly overreacted and asked him where did they shop to cost that much. He said in his previous message that he could get his gf to provide receipts. So I get a message from her, and screenshot of the receipts but I didn't get a chance to look at them, because she flew into a rage and sent message after message about how insulting it was for me to check receipts as if they had been lying and trying to scam money from me. There was no way I thought this, I just wanted to see what exactly cost what. But she didn't believe me and went on and on, bought up the haircut again and how I didnt contribute enough towards things, that I use my social anxiety as an excuse to not get involved socially in the school. For some reason she then decided to have a go at me for who I am, bringing up things from the past 7 year's that had irked her and telling me the uniform thing was ' the straw that broke the camels back'. I truly have no idea why she wanted to be so visceral. I tried to defend myself but she picked at everything I said and made assumptions.

She sent me more messages today, refusing to let go. Saying how she's had to keep her mouth shut for 7 years to keep the peace. I dont even understand what i have done that could cause that much of a grudge. And even though I had sent messages back declaring that she should stop because it was draining and getting nasty. She ended up calling me a hypocrite and having the last say.

I was so mad. And I am still mad. I don't understand what this woman has against me when when we started talking she was fine and pleasant. Its now rocked me and my confidence. She made me feel like a terrible parent, just because I said a certain thing or didn't follow her instruction.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I would be really grateful as to any advice on how to deal with this so it doesn't happen again. My ex hasn't gotten involved in the argument but he knows what she has been saying as she said they show messages to each other.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

-W.

Tldr;
Why did my exes gf suddenly turn on me, and any advice would be appreciated.

It’s very messy as she’s doing the parenting for her half of the family and is expecting more thanks and recognition. Her DH/your exH is the one that should be giving her the thanks and validation but doesn’t sound like he is!

It’s a bit bizarre as you elected to talk to her over your ex so you have kind of opened the floor to this. I would be insulted too if I was step mum and neither parents had bothered shopping for or paying for the uniform but asked me to show receipts before reimbursement.

How often are your boys with their dad and her?

I agree with @Unexpectedlysinglemum, why is she so involved with parenting? You and your DH are responsible for parenting your children, not her.

I’d apologize for asking for the receipts and emphasize that you appreciate everything that she does for your children. I’d also acknowledge that she’s doing too much and that you and your ex will discuss how to address this.

Yes, she lost her temper and was rude, but you and your ex have created this messy situation.

You must only communicate with the children dads.

It is odd that you have let your ex and by default his girlfriend handle so much of the logistics of parenting for so long.

I would apologize to her for not seeing how much she was doing for your children.

Then I would stop communicating through her. It’s not fair to her and you shouldn’t have to deal with her moods. You both win by stopping the conversation.

finally, I would meet with your ex and discuss the division of parenting responsibility. Why has he bought all the uniform for so long? Do you do something equivalent in exchange? Does he always end up handling haircuts? If the two of you don’t have a good division of labor, work on creating a new one. You can’t stop him from offloading his responsibilities to his girlfriend, but you can make sure that you have a fair split with him.

Sounds like she’s doing a lot of parenting for 2 boys that aren’t hers and have 2 parents that should be communicating with each other.
With the haircut why did your partner have to come and take time away from work? Of course going for a Starbucks etc would mean the wait is still long, you needed to keep your place in the queue.
She sounds fed up and I’m sure her side of the story would be very interesting.

Hi everyone, thanks for your interesting replies. I do appreciate it.

Just to answer a few of you. I only went contact with her aswell as him because he left me on read for days without response when I would ask about how the boys were doing, and if I was trying to organise holidays etc. I thought going contact with her was a good idea at the time, and she was much more responsive and seemingly happy to converse with me. I still talked to him as much as I could. I see now, that this may have actually been a massive mistake.

I did apologise all through this for how my wordage came across and did try to reassure her I never meant it in any ill-will kinda way. I also told her numerous of time that I appreciate what she does for the boys. But some of you say she seems to do a lot of parenting. On his end? Maybe she does?. I have heard from the boys that she seems to be there more when its bedtime. Which i did question him about but he said he is there often. And from the outside it appears his gf organizes stuff which i or he should be doing. She shouldn't be organising anything, but she goes ahead and does it anyway. I would totally understand her anger at having to look after the boys a lot more than she should - I don't ask that of my partner when its my turn to have them, i do everything with and for them. So I don't understand why my ex seems to think it's okay for her to handle a lot of stuff. On the other hand, if she is fed up, why couldn't she have said something to me or him sooner?. I don't know all the ins and outs of their relationship or what their schedules are. Often, things are organised without prior knowledge to me.

My partner is autistic so cannot go out into a normal job, so works from home. But on the haircut occasion they saw how I was effected by her moody behaviour and decided to come with me to the shopping centre to support me and the kids. I told them they didn't need too but they insisted they wanted to help.

He works shift patterns and so does his gf, but sometimes it seems she is present more than he is. Just recently she approached me to have the boys an extra two days because it was the anniversary of her fathers death and she wanted to be with her mum and she said my ex couldn't get the time off of work. Of course I said I would take them the extra days to help!. That's a no brainer to me. But I did feel sorry for her that he wouldn't put himself out there and have the time off anyway to support her. I'm sure as he has been as his place of work a long, long time, they would have understood.

He often put work above everything else when I was engaged to him aswell, so it wouldn't ever surprise me if he worked more than she and she was more of her fair share of the parenting. But I don't know for sure, and don't want to rock the boat by asking.

Again, how often are they with them compared to with you?

Tjis is one of those posts where I would love to hear the other side of the story but it does sound as though the stepmum is getting very frustrated at having to parent and organise 2 kids who aren't hers

Why did you leave the hairdressers and not stay in the queue? Could one of you not have gone and got coffee and brought it back?

This part of the original post leaped out at me
I find it difficult to be social with any of the other parents at the school gates and don't really feel comfortable persuing that side of parenting. As long as my boys are happy and healthy, I don't mind my ex and his gf being more socially active with other parents.
Is it possible though that the stepmother does mind taking this on, especially if your ex isn't pulling his weight either? Hanging around at primary school parties etc isn't most adult's idea of the best way to spend a weekend is it, especially when the children in question aren't yours, but maybe she feels that someone needs to show their face so she's obliged to do it whether she likes it or not.
The haircut thing...well, no, it's not essential to get a haircut for the start of the new term but then nor is new uniform always absolutely necessary but most people do it anyway. You might not think the boys needed a haircut but clearly she does, and if she's the one who does most of the interacting with the other parents maybe she is worried that she's the one who is going to be judged if they don't look smart?
You're also giving mixed messages. You say that your sons didn't want their hair cut and that you're fine with that, but did you tell her this? It doesn't sound like it as you went along with the plan she proposed but then you didn't deliver on it. That probably annoyed her more than if you'd just said no. If you wanted to defend their bodily autonomy you needed to have made that clear. (Though personally I'd not leave the decision about when to get a haircut to a child of that age as in my experience most 9 year old boys would never have a shower or brush their teeth, never mind get their hair cut if they had free rein. And even long hair needs trimming regularly to keep it in good condition.)
Look at it from her perspective. She and your ex (though quite possibly mainly her) have just done the uniform shopping, as you say they do every year. Maybe they did it all online, who knows, but even that takes time. But quite likely she's trailed round multiple busy shops which won't have been fun. A children's shoe shop in August has quite a strong resemblance to hell for starters. She asked you to do one thing to get your sons ready for the new school year, you said you'd do it, and you didn't. Surely you can see that might be annoying? If there have been previous similar instances or she already feels like she is doing more than her fair share it could well be the final straw.
Between your social anxiety, your partner's autism and your ex's work pattern it does sound like she might be doing a lot particularly around the social side of things for your boys. You say "She shouldn't be organising anything, but she goes ahead and does it anyway." What kind of things? Are they things which benefit your sons and which they enjoy? If not, you need to speak to your ex (not his fiancée) about this, but if she's doing things that your boys want, need or both, unless you are able to step out of your comfort zone and take on more yourself you might have to accept that and build bridges for your sons' sake. There's a big difference between a stepmother who is controlling and trying to take over against the parents' wishes and one who is seeing needs that the parents are unable or unwilling to meet and trying to fill the gap. You need to decide which this is and respond accordingly, but from what you have said she doesn't sound like a bad person to me.

I don’t really understand the haircut thing. Surely a haircut is fairly standard for the beginning of a school term. It seems such a drama.

It very much sounds like this poor woman is getting fed up of being the main parent for two kids that aren't hers. That's why she 'turned' on you.

From now on I would try to be much more proactive in parenting, the haircut situation could easily have been avoided if you'd arranged it first thing one Saturday morning when they first opened. The receipts again you can see why she'd be quite pissed at that.

They're your kids, you need to be much much more proactive in parenting them.

Block her.. Message ex and say parenting your dc is between you and him. And mean it.

As others have said, this sounds like a woman who is just really frustrated about having to parent two kids who aren’t hers and having to navigate that within the dynamics of two parents who aren’t really stepping up.

Cut her some slack

know it’s not the point of the thread, but £200 is by no means excessive for a school uniform.

She’s clearly at the end of her rope with it all.

Consider how your life, and your DC’s lives, may look without this woman in it.

I’d just message her one final message to say that you’re really sorry if you have unintentionally taken advantage, and that you appreciate what she does. Ask her what she wants to happen going forward, but that you are more than happy to communicate with your ex, but you need him to do the same in return.

Your ex's GF is doing the majority of parenting work here. I'd be ballistic too. There's 2 parents here who have a lot of excuses why they aren't parenting.

She's taking up the slack in parenting that both your ex and you are leaving. She's done this for 7 fucking years. She's done it because she cares about your kids and is putting in her best effort to see they have some reliability on their lives.

If I were her, I'd step back and leave the two of you to it.

Why does your BF have to go along if he doesn't deal with crowds? That's setting up for failure.

I was just going to add this. I think my sons cost about 320 just for his uniform so 400 for twins uniform is a reasonable cost. Secondary school is much dearer.

The step mum sounds like she’s trying so hard and really does cherish those boys. And the haircut has just tipped her over the edge. She probably feels like the only responsible party of your social anxiety prevents you from having a normal life with your kids, and your partners struggles, and your ex partner prioritising work.

I really feel for the step mum.

I don't think it's the step mother who's the difficult one.

You seem to have a very passive approach to parenthood, she's probably sick of you procrastinating.

Block her and just deal with your ex.

Sounds like she is probably parenting 3 children.
I suspect she has had many a discussion about you with your ex over the years and he probably just says ‘well you know what she’s like’ and now your ex is in hiding and your approach to a simple hair cutting task along with uniforms you could never be bothered to buy is absolutely a straw that would break a camels back.
I would find you absolutely infuriating!

I wonder if you asking for the receipts for the school clothes is the straw that broke the camels back, I would be deeply offended by this and was not an extreme amount on any level to kit out two kids for school.

I don’t want to excuse aggressive or abusive messages towards you, but its not a pattern of behaviour from what you have said, it sounds like a gasket has blown and she’s lost her s**t.

My reading of this is that she is taking a lot of time and effort to look after your DCs, including getting them prepped for the new school term, she is involved in a lot of activities and appears to be doing a lot more than your Ex-H and perhaps more than anyone else, she needs some credit for this.

I don’t agree with others that you should only communicate through DH, you have already set out why that wasn’t working and you have also set out that for many years you have had a good relationship with GF and she is good to kids. I think you need to work on resolving the current situation, meeting or chatting to allow both sides to clear the air and get back to a good/amicable relationship which put the kids first.

It sounds like she’s having to be the primary parent for your children and has been doing this for some time. You are leaving a lot of responsibility to her, the uniforms etc are one thing but it sounds like she’s also carrying the mental and social load and you’ve let her. I realise you have social anxiety but you would have had to push past this to proactively arrange play dates if it wasn’t for her. This is why she’s annoyed.

Couldn't be arsed reading the entire post as it's too long but you should never have contacted her about the kids - it's not her job. I've been a stepmum for 8 years now and not once has the kids mum communicated with me rather than my husband.

theres lots of ways you can look at this but at a guess she’s frustrated she’s a “stepmum” to two that she’s having to step up for more than the parents!! Not necessarily your problem, it’s her and your ex that’s allowed this to happen at that home..

from now on, you do not communicate with her at all. Or you both have to apologise to one another and suck it up and start again.
Dad HAS to step up with communication regardless!

buy your kids uniform! Do it yourself and ask for half from them? Or buy your own for your house and they buy for theirs?
you know when they go back, you know what they need so why nothing?
getting a kids haircut before going back to school is just a look smart sorta thing (I am one of those parents!) but really it’s not a huge deal and you tried to attend the one suggested, you booked elsewhere for a few days later so no big deal..to you or the kids! but it’s been the nail in the coffin for her and I think she probably just felt she’d done everything else to prepare them for going back and she was only asking you to do that last job.

as a stepmum, I’d never have behaved like that towards mum! Spoke my mind but not like what you’ve described. Did I get left with childcare/haircuts/uniform shopping/taken advantage of by OH & their mum…. Yes!!! So I do get some frustration but to me she’s taking it out on the wrong person…

i hope you can both move forward without it being tense and inappropriate!

Why are you, their mother, not sorting their uniform or pre school prep at least 50%? You haven’t paid for uniform for years and are now questioning the person who is running around after your children so that they have everything they need when their own parents cba. Tough shit on social anxiety when you have kids, they need something you do it. Team stepmother all the way. Do better.