Just want more time to myself

[Hubby2]

Been together with wife for 15 years and until recently everything was going pretty well. We just recently moved house but over the course of the years she pretty much criticised everything I tried or wanted to do like maybe going to a concert (she doesn't like crowds) I got criticised for anything really even if it was to make all of our lifes better she still never say it that way.

I have been ground down over the years taking criticism putting her family first even though her sister or mum never put her first. I had plenty of arguments about Christmas, the mother in law invites herself over every Christmas. I have told my wife just the 2 kids and us but even though wife doesn't have good relationship she still picks her over me. She then tells me to go spend Christmas with my mum and dad if I don't like it

When my wife has an issue she vents to me, often it's to do with her own family, my sister in law often has the most issues plus she is a very dishonest person and never tells the truth and twists stories, always likes attention.

So my wife relies on me for everything childcare which I have a daughter that is very independent but our son which has severe learning difficulties, she will not go out with him when I am at work. We go to the park she will be talking to friends or people she knows and I'm left to chase him around. I have said I could have just stayed at home obviously getting frustrated with lack of support she gives me.

If we go out generally I'm responsible for everything, on car trips I am navigator telling wife which lane to get in and so on. Have been shouted at many of times if I get it wrong.

I work full-time so it's quite long days 10.5 hours and then 1.5 hours commuting each way so obviously I'm very tired. I don't generally have much energy at the end of the day.

Say for instance I come home early my wife is always home. I don't have anyone like a friend to go to which is hard because I am going through a rough patch on with my wife because of some words she used to criticise me and it's had a huge impact on my health. I questioned whether I even wanted to try and make it work.

Iv always been good to my wife and her family putting them first but now I feel it's really time to put me first, I just wish I had some friends but I don't make them easy people that iv known for years are not my friends, I don't generally get asked to go out but when I did my wife told me that she didn't feel safe at home on her own but the area really wasn't that bad. Sometimes I think it was an excuse.

I suppose I just want to fit in and be listened but I know because I never know what to say or because I don't want to burden anyone with myself there just some on the hurdles I have to overcome.

I want to have fun and still be responsible but some things you can only do on your own. Let me know your thoughts if any, I'd like to hear them.

Do you have any Men’s Sheds near you? I’ve heard they can be really good for making friends and getting a bit of support when needed.

Make the effort to make friends with whom you can go to concerts with and perhaps meet at the park with your son. It sounds like you’re both spending too much time in each others pockets and expecting your spouse to be everything. It’s normal to have hobbies outside a marriage, with you don’t have to do together and it’s not a sign of problems if your spouse doesn’t like the things you do, as long as she wouldn’t begrudge you doing these things without her. If she does, you need to sit her down and explain how your feel and that you’re taking time for yourself.

Ultimately, if you’re unhappy and don’t think you’re compatible, there’s always the option to end things and just co-parent.

Yes build up some hobbies and encourage her to do the same so you each get "me" time. It will help break the cycle of negativity and give you more to chat about. Also get a babysitter and go out together sometimes. Try to get some fun back. Above all communicate that you are planning to do this, you will get push back to begin with, as it is change, but still do it.

Wow!! You replied really quick. I just thought I'd check to see if I had an responses. But I never heard of them but seems quite appropriate actually, scary but definitely open to trying because I want to try and see what happens which could only be positive. I have a couple in my area, thank you for that suggestion :)

I know we are definitely spending way too much time together. It's unhealthy but recently it's got worse she resorted to watch me doing gardening or DIY, things she has absolutely no interest in.

Making friends is literally impossible, I wouldn't know where to start, I used the example because there was a concert in the local area about 90mins travel away from and I told her I wanted to go and she told me it was too far away and then she said she would come but I know she would just be uncomfortable and I wouldn't even be able to enjoy it because she would be making a scene.

I don't think iv been down every avenue but she's certainly stubborn and stuck in her ways. In fact she has had lunch with a couple of mums she knew like for her birthday and she had a night out a couple of year back which I encouraged her to do yet I have no freedom it often feels suffocating.

The way she talks to me is quite negative and I'm quite the opposite well try to be. Yesterday I told her I wanted to go for a walk simply because I wanted a bit of time to reflect and she then started saying I didn't want to spend time with her it was like 1.30 and she tried telling me what time to come back at. I just came back after an hour as I felt more calmer and better.

I don't expect anything from my wife now, i know better than to tell her things I'm worried about because she ends up making it worse by over worrying and repeating things going round in circles. I don't hide anything important just better to keep my issues to myself.

She has no problems venting her problems or my SIL or MIL problems which are somehow hers. Still ends up involving me because I tell her they are never there to support her so why bother with them. Worst thing was one time when my son was in hospital having a seizure MIL that lives round the corner from the hospital didn't even support on that day even and SIL could have caught a bus because they don't work. So I had to leave work early that day.

Back to what I was saying so when I got home I got confronted by her why are you home your supposed to come back later all in front of our daughter which is 14 she just don't care.

One moment she can be like that and the next it's like baby why are you being distant. It's so confusing how she can switch like that.

Thank you for your response

Id really like to however I could find something probably but the wife on the other hand wouldn't take it the right way. We rarely go out and usually I try and make the effort to book things and get a babysitter but the thing is let's say I have a bit to drink (last time a year ago at her uncles 50th which is rare but it was family so it was ok. say like if I'm happy and having fun trying to have a good time she will almost certainly bring the mood down and start talking about everyday things. Not sure I could have fun with her.

I want her to not rely on me so much because it's draining and I feel so alone but thank you for taking the time to message me

You have decided you are going to get a hobby. Tell her you fancy doing this. Arrange to do it. Do it. Tell her about it.

You may get a negative response each time. Your response to that should just be to cheerfully say you still fancy it, you have booked it now, you are in your way out so bye, you have done it and it was great. If she says she never does anything for her ... You say what would she like to do and encourage it. Be relentlessly positive. It is harder to argue with