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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure how I feel anymore

38 replies

hadenoughofhim · 02/06/2008 12:11

On Saturday dh & I had a huge row and he hit me, this isn't the first time as he has pushed me before a couple of different occasions.
He claims he doesn't remember doing it but I do and I'm wondering when to call it a day and say no more?
I don't know how I feel about him anymore but I don't want to mess the kids up by taking them away from him plus wouldn't know where to go how to start etc.
I really don't know though if I want to work things out anymore

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 02/06/2008 13:33

And you'd have got the blame (and the mess to clear up) if some opportunist thief or vandal had wandered in. Madness. Glad to hear you weren't actually driving at the time though!

warthog · 02/06/2008 13:43

no, you're not to blame for him hitting you.

i occasionally start a fight with dh - we're all human. but it doesn't end in violence.

you're living in an environment of fear, and that's not healthy for you or your dc's. just one punch? but it's not just that, is it?

Original poster
hadenoughofhim · 02/06/2008 14:08

I have just been talking to dh telling him that if he doesn't get help I am going, but for now I will sleep in the spare room until he does something.
He is making lots of excuses not to get help at the moment which is making my decision not to be with him easier.

OP posts:
warthog · 02/06/2008 14:17

yes, it's much easier to blame you.

madamez · 02/06/2008 15:25

Check out your escape options today. He now knows that you are not going to accept his behaviour: this sometimes makes violent men more dangerous (particularly if any of the violence has ever been motivated by 'ownership' ie rows start with the violent partner accusing the other of looking at/flirting with/having sex with other people): he won;t want you to move away from his control.
DOn;t forget, if he punches you, or kicks you, or comes at you with a weapon, you can dial 999 and the police will come and remove him from the house for the night.

Original poster
hadenoughofhim · 02/06/2008 17:16

I will do that thanks,
He knows it is all serious as he is being ultra nice to me at the moment but he has now agreed to see the doctor and get something done.
We have agreed we need to sort things out for the children but he also knows that I will go if he isn't making an effort.

OP posts:
LobstersLass · 02/06/2008 17:51

Listen to madamez, she is talking a lot of sense.

Original poster
hadenoughofhim · 02/06/2008 17:58

The arguments have never been over ownership - we do trust each other.
THe arguments have usually been over something stupid like Saturday was over me having to change plans because he had decided to do somthing else.

OP posts:
MrsMacaroon · 02/06/2008 18:44

you shouldn't trust him until he has completed treatment.

madamez · 02/06/2008 22:31

Hadenough: the fact that he thinks he is entitled to punch you over a trivial squabble about an unlocked door is actually pretty frightening. What happens if you have a disagreement about something serious (like, oooh, let's see, the fact that he is systematically abusing you)? Does that make him feel entitled to kick you, throw you downstairs or pick up a weapon?
The level of violence he thinks acceptable is pretty high, which is why you should be making plans either to leave the house or to have him removed from it (as it is the family home it will not be that difficult to have him removed and barred from returning: violent people forfeit the right to live in the family home).

JessJess3908 · 03/06/2008 16:43

He hit you in front of the kids because he was goign to be a few minutes late?!?!?! What a c*nt.

It sounds like the violence is escalating - it would be wise for you to get out now while you sound like you are still strong enough to walk away. Any more abuse and you might be so broken you end up hearing yourself say things like "It's my fault really, I shouldn't wind him up" and " I know it's a cliche but I honestly did walk into the door".

WomensAid have some scary statistics like victims of domestic abuse suffer an average of 97 separate incidents before they attempt to get help. Please don't let yourself be one of those women.

fransmom · 06/06/2008 17:46

how are you now sweetheart? ((((((((((((((())))))))))))))

Original poster
hadenoughofhim · 17/06/2008 10:17

I'm ok thanks - sorry have been busy in rl sorting through things
dh saw the doctor and has been given details for anger management
We are setting an evening a month to spend an evening in front of a dvd or for a meal or something too so that we make sure we have time together
I have seen a doctor and have been given ad's to help with my moods & sleep too.
He is making an effort and we both don't want to throw our marriage away when he truly believes he can channel his anger elsewhere
He does know though that I will go if it ever happens again

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