Some relationship advice please

[YourElatedLimeShark]

Hi. I have been with the most lovely man for 3.5 years.

We both have children, him 3 and me 2.
Do not live together.
Both fully divorced.

His kids don’t have a great relationship with their mother. And as such seem to be unattached emotionally. They’re also rude and dabble with drugs, vaping, violence. There are no consequences. He asks for advice and I advise objectively. On the whole they’re pleasant kids. They get on well with mine.

Anyway. We live in two separate homes. He has talked about living together. I get excited. But then he slips up and says things which make me think there is no future and he just stringing me along.

He’s ALWAYS late. He often changes plans. Sex is literally just that. No foreplay. He’s never been down on me once.

We rarely see each other as two of his kids live with him. When I ask for time just us he says well this is how it is you’re a step mum now.

Anyway, there’s a few more bits but I’m not happy. I think I want things to end. BUT he’s so lovely and respectful and kind and intelligent. Never met anyone like this that challenges me (I’m confident and dominant and I think I put off some men with sarcasm et ).

I think I need you to work your magic and affirm my issues and tell me ending it is right.

What a waffle sorry- putting kids to bed and the cat is cross and nagging at me because she hasn’t been fed 🤣

Sorry I mentioned his kids because I can see them damaging themselves with this behaviour. There has been a few times I think SS should have been called due to behaviour, and fights with mum. He asks what I’d do so I say it and express concern but nothing ever changes.

i wouldn’t even consider blending. How far away from living independently are the kids?

But then he slips up and says things which make me think there is no future and he just stringing me along.
**
He’s ALWAYS late. He often changes plans. Sex is literally just that. No foreplay. He’s never been down on me once.
**
We rarely see each other as two of his kids live with him. When I ask for time just us he says well this is how it is you’re a step mum now.

He's "so lovely", you say? You mean on a part time basis presumably?

Years. Between us eldest is 16 and youngest is 8. I’m more and more put off the idea each time we spend time together.

This sounds mean but I don’t want my kids to be subject to some of the stuff that goes down at his.

This is EXACTLY what I need mumsnet to do right now. Thank you.

You say he is lovely and kind, but it sounds like he doesn't care about your pleasure in bed and is dismissive of your feelings. You might be kidding yourself about how good a guy he actually is.
You don't ever need to be grateful to have a man. Your sarcasm may put off some men, but others would enjoy it.
You don't have to settle for a man you are unhappy with.

Holy shit!

You're not a stepmom. You don't even live together. Red flag #1.

The sex is shit and he doesn't make sure you're satisfied. Red flag #2.

His kids seem a bit out of control and he doesn't give them consequences or do much parenting. Red flag #3.

He is always late which means he doesn't respect your time or you. Red flag #4.

His kids are violent. This is just a communist May Day parade of red flags.

Do not move this guy in. You are incompatible in sex, parenting styles, and his kids will make you and your kids' lives miserable. They're ok now because they're not in the same space .

Perfect. THANK YOU!

Nothing wrong with protecting your kids from a terrible situation. Op I ask this without judgement- are you perhaps too nice, too much trying to be good, to the point of not having healthy boundaries?

It doesn’t sound mean, it sounds sensible.

Whilst I understand boundaries and offer sound advice on them, yes you’re right. It’s a weakness.

And by no means am I claiming my kids are perfect. But they’re well on the right track

Sorry I just need to sound off some more. So I’ve been telling him we need more time alone and he agreed.

He booked this night out to see a tribute act- and has booked us and one of his kids. It’s things like this that make me a bit cross.

The kids have next to no relationship with their mother but I feel he enables this by allowing them at his all the time. And when it kicks off there instead of letting them all deal with it he runs to pick them up. Especially his daughter.

I actually feel bad for his ex because of this! I appreciate that it’s high conflict there and she’s practically an alcoholic but he is an enabler.

OP You are not compatible. Please don't consider blending families as his children sound out of control and he appears to have no clue how to parent them. That would probably be left to you! He also doesn't respect your time or your sexual needs. You are not a step mum either, even if he thinks you are! I think you are far too obliging in this scenario, time to firm up your boundaries and raise your bar!

Can you help me with how I do that?
ive told him multiple times I want things to change and they haven’t so I don’t think other chances are going to be given here.

I am just going to gently end things. My kids will be upset but they notice the adverse behaviour by his kids and it blows their minds. So they’ll get over it.

The bad sex would be enough for me to leave. But the rest of it sounds like a recipe for disaster.
Don’t tell him gently, he probably won’t understand and you’ll likely get a whole load more promises that he’ll go on to break.
Be straight to the point and honest. You can do it kindly but firmly. It’s not working for you, you’ve tried to talk to him about it but nothing changes. You need to move on with your life and so does he.
If you barely see him it probably won’t be all that difficult being on your own. But it’ll be a lot less stressful.

He doesn't sound lime 'the most lovely man' at all from what you've said.

Why do women do that?

"He’s ALWAYS late. He often changes plans. Sex is literally just that. No foreplay. He’s never been down on me once.
... When I ask for time just us he says well this is how it is you’re a step mum now."

He doesn't sound "lovely and respectful and kind". He sounds like he's using you.

Wow, when I read the first few sentences I thought you must be my DP. Right up until the part about drugs, violence, vaping, and lack of parental control/discipline. From that line on I realised I'm the one in your situation, right down to my DP being selfish in the bedroom. My kids are (fairly) well behaved, but my DP's are a nightmare with similar issues as your 'step' DC. Thankfully, my DC looks on in horror as their 'step sibling's' dramas keep unfolding.

My DP won't listen to any parenting advice, just says she needs to 'pick her battles' when it comes to pulling up her DC on bad behaviour, which in reality means they never get pulled up or disciplined on anything. They can't even sit at the table for a meal together without threats and abuse towards each other: "Pass me the ketchup, NOW or else I'll shank you with a butter knife". They talk like that to each other constantly.

Then finally the other week she got quite emotional saying she must be a shit parent because of how her DC are turning out. I didn't know what to say to that, but tongue biting was involved!

You're not a step parent by the way, that's a ridiculous assertion, myself and my DP would never consider ourselves step parents to each others DC. His kid's behaviour is nothing to do with you in your situation, suggesting you're their step parent is like he's trying to make you complicit in their lack of discipline?

Myself and dp have no plans to live together - I did have dreams of one big blended happy family, but when DP's kids turned into teenage monsters that idea evaporated in my mind. There wouldn't be anything happy about it. You absolutely should not be considering blending in your circumstances, it'll end it disaster. Tell your dp that you don't want to live together until the kids have flown the nest. That should buy you enough time to figure out if his DC are going to grow out of it, or continue into adult delinquents. Again, I had been starting to think that me and dp would ble to live together once our kids had turned 18. But as that age is now appearing on the horizon, I'm less certain it'll be possible then either - dp has already said that she doesn't think her kids will be able to live independently, at least as young adults, and all the things she says suggest we'll never live together as a couple.

Its a shame how your dp challenges your dominance as a partner, yet he's been unable to exert control over his DC. That seems like yet another red flag in your relationship.

Thank you