Trust after cheating

[RubyRobin90]

Do you believe you can ever regain trust and rebuild a relationship after cheating?

I know I can't. Maybe others can, but I tend to doubt it. I know some people say they have regained trust, but I suspect there is still a kernel of doubt which they are repressing.

I always thought absolutely not! However, it happened and I have, we have worked very hard and I would in all honest say our relationship is better now than it was before. However, when my partner cheated we were in a very bad place relationship wise , it was a big wake up call for both of us. I think it took a few years to work through everything and there were times during that time I did question myself. I now forget it ever happened. That’s not me being delusional either, I was always in the leave the bastard camp! But we recognised we wanted to be together and he put so much effort in. I listened to and read a lot of Esther Perel

For some people it's possible, but is that a wise thing to do? That's not guaranteed.

It seems like a lot of people limp along for about 1-2 years before finally realising that the way they view their partner, and who they thought that person was has fundamentally changed. There's not coming back from that.

I have a feeling that many people who claim their 'relationship is better than ever!' and 'Honestly it's even improved our relationship!' types are deluded and what their going through is a sort of denial or trauma bonding.

I think a good question is to ask yourself - if you knew he was going to cheat like this, would you still have picked him?

The answer for a lot of people would be no - it's not worth the betrayal and the state of anxiety you'll have to live through for years, even decades possibly.

Something as large as cheating is a bit like poison - one dark drop can stain & poison a whole pool, and once it's in, it'll always be there.

Perel is a cheater apologist who dresses it up in word salad and verbal masturbation. Why do people listen to her drivel? What do you like about it? I really don't get the appeal.

I think they are deceiving themselves as well. I understand why they would do it. They love the person, they don't want to lose their current lifestyle or be alone. There are lots of reasons for these rationalizations. I chose to face the truth and go it alone after thirty years of marriage, but I understand why lots of people don't.

No. The cheater will always harbour resentment at being found out and will most likely don’t again.

The person cheated on will always worry when their partner is out just that little bit late or goes out with g to Eid friends or colleagues.

I honestly think that people are fools if they stay with a cheater.

I don’t think you can ever truly get past it no, in the wee small hours, the thought of your partner, flirting with someone, planning to meet them in private, getting naked together, having sex with them, being intimate. Not caring about you, but the intimacy, the touching, the kissing, the closeness. That’s got to haunt you. When they glance at another woman, wondering if they fancy them, when they are late home. For me, no.

I also understand why people accept it, fear of being alone, starting again, the loss of lifestyle, people’s pity. But that’s very different to regaining trust and getting over it, which as said, I can’t see how anyone ever can, unless you are effectively celibate and don’t care who they shag,

When I found out my Ex had been using prostitutes he was out of the house that day. As soon as I questioned him about it he couldn't get out quick enough and that was it. It was the final straw after years of asking for the bare minimum. I wasnt even surprised when i found out, or hurt really. Not sure how I would have reacted if it had been a few years eaelier when I was in love with him. I've never know a relationship to survive cheating in my friends a family circle. A few have tried and been miserable and eventually ended it.

Trust? No. Infidelity is a form of abuse and that bell can't be unrung. I am not a fan of Perel, I think she is very ready to blame the victim and puts the abused partner on the defensive. To someone whose world has been shattered by infidelity, it's gaslighting of a pernicious sort.

It's a drop of corruption in a marriage. Where there's corruption, it spreads and the foundation is already shaky.

But like @Maltipoo and @Thelankyone posted, there are multiple reasons why people stay. If they can accept a different type of marriage, an arrangement, where financials and outward appearance and companionship of a sort are the backbone of the marriage, it might work fine. But that deep trust and honesty are gone.

It’s not even about trust, it’s how capable are you of self deception. And knowing deep down you’re with someone who doesn’t truly love you.

The dishonesty prevails long after the cheating is discovered. On all fronts.

Yeah well, people are human. So it’s up to each to their own. It’s an awful place to be in knowing you’ve been cheated on. even when they’re doing their best and are actually a better partner as a result of their actions and resulting shame. And when there are children involved and you love them. It’s a fucking bitter pill to swallow. The hurt never leaves you. But sometimes, if you love them enough, you can say yes you made a mistake, yes I can see you’re doing your best to make up for it. Let’s give it a go.

I don’t know anyone who has cheated and hasn’t done it again, so I find it hard to trust them.

I think it’s easy to make generalisations about infidelity and decide that all those who cheat are cut from the same cloth, will definitely do it again, and all those who choose to stay are either deceiving themselves, deluded, weak or just being practical.
Every relationship is different, made up of two individuals, in many different circumstances, brought up in different families with different life experiences and beliefs, different personal issues and flaws and weaknesses. One size never fits all. Common traits can be observable, but the reasons behind them myriad.
Not everyone is deceiving themselves, not every marriage which is touched by infidelity is rotten at the core or unhappy, not every cheat goes on to cheat again. Some marriages are, some cheats do. But not all. What some people can forgive others can’t, that doesn’t make either person better or stronger than the other, it’s just different beliefs and decisions.
Some couples stay together for practical reasons, some stay together and turn a blind eye, some still love each other and would much rather be together for that reason than apart.
Reasons for cheating are as many and varied as there are people.
The one thing it does do to everyone in exactly the same way however, is shatter trust. Rebuilding of trust depends on the cheat’s subsequent actions and if the betrayed partner wants to reconcile at all, has the truth and can see demonstrable changes. I don’t think full trust can ever be regained after infidelity, but I think full trust in any human is a risky strategy. Nobody should trust anyone blindly in anything in the first place. We are all human, flawed and fallible. “Not my Nigel/ Nigella” is a very foolish belief to hold onto indeed.

Maybe you can forgive maybe you can't but neither of those options were any good for me because I'm worth everything and when I wasn't enough then I left almost right away. Didn't matter that I loved him, hurt like hell etc he didn't care one bit or enough to not to cheat.

You can - but it truly depends on the cheating partners attitude

Any new partner could be a cheater too. Once cheated on, forever more suspicious of every partner.

That is why I think it can surely be possible to successfully repair a relationship.

Will the cheater stop cheating?
Sometimes they actually do and they repent and they offer extra reassurances. Life is always a gamble.

Was the cheater a once guilty person or a serial cheater?

Was the realtionship trusting, very strong and fulfilling or always difficult and rocky?

Is there opportunity to cheat again easily?
Is cheater remorseful, seeking counselling?

Every case is different.

You'll never trust them again

Nope and nor should you because you are worth more than being with a liar who destroys your inner peace. I think self deception if very strong and many people do it well but underneath it all, no.

Yes it can and reconciliation has worked for many many couples.

The question is whether it will work in your circumstances and to work that out you need better support than you’ll get on here so please log off mumsnet and visit the surviving infidelity website.

FWIW you won’t find many posters there that love Esther Perel or who talk about their marriage being ‘better than ever’ but you will get honest, wise and knowledgeable advice from people who HAVE made reconciliation work and who have rebuilt trust, in their relationship.

Sorry but i think it is just bullshit. The only person you can really trust is yourself. People may like to think they will trust again but deep down the rot is there and denial / delusion will keep you going (I know I have been there).

You can stay together after cheating but your relationship will never be the same. That's the bare truth for everyone who stays.

I think if you accept that and can live with it then it's possible, but you have to be realistic about it being a different relationship and the ground having shifted under you. You have seen the dark side and you can't unsee it.

For me it's a definite no, nothings ever quite the same again. That exclusive intimacy, closeness and unity can never be returned to once someone has cheated. It just will always be soiled & tainted. Why live with that uncertainty when you be on your own without the anxiety and hurt. And hopefully one day in the future be with someone without enduring thise anxieties.
I think as people we deserve more.

No.
Once trust is broken it is unrepairable.

Relationships are salvagable but in a different format.

Love is trust, and without trust there is no love, they are symbiotic.

You can. But its not easy. From that point onwards its a new relationship but as far as trust goes you are starting at -150 rather than zero.
Its not nonsense that the new relationship can be an improvement on the old but that's not down to the infidelity itself its due to the work done by both parties to build a new relationship, with new boundaries and a new depth of honesty.
So much depends on the cheating party - their reasons for cheating, the level of effort they arw willing to make. The betrayed party needs to regain their self worth and set boundaries they can both live with going forwards.
As said already, both betrayer and betrayed are individuals, so each must come to their own conclusions.
For many it will be the right thing to walk away, for some it will be right to stay and for others they might need to try before they can decide