SIL told me that DBro and her want to see me, and only me…

[yelpforhell]

Meaning not my DH.
this has been an ongoing situation for the last 5 or so years which I have posted about before.
My bro and his wife have kids a similar age to me and DH, yet we don’t see each other and the kids done spend time together, despite living 5 mins away. Part of the issue is our parents are split, and both have tiny places so we don’t have a central type family home for Xmas and bdays, and because DBro and I have never been the closest, we don’t really do the whole round each other’s houses thing.

I tried to get us together and get us closer last Xmas by inviting me, DH and our 2 kids over DBro and SIL’s house, but I went the wrong way about it, got told to shove off by DBro and it then ended in an argument where I challenged him on not spending time together and the kids not forming a cousin relationship. I shouldn’t have invited us over and I know now it was wrong. Also I shouldn’t have gone in on DBro questioning everything because I then felt worse as a result, and felt that I was even further away from what I was looking to achieve.

Anyway, now my youngest, and their oldest DD, similar age, both do the same club at the weekend and my DD has just started the same school as theirs. So we have had a bit more contact and it’s been nice, obviously still not close, and pretty awkward, but it’s something. Anyway, at a kids party which we both happened to be invited to, SIL and I were talking a bit and she just blurted out “I’m sorry we don’t see you more, I’m not sure if I should say this but I’ll say it anyway, ‘Dbro’s name’ and I would like to see you and the kids more, but only you”.
obviously I worked out they mean my DH.

You would think I’d be upset with this, but my relationship is not in the best place and I actually would like this. I’m kind of embarrassed by the whole thing too, does everyone think I’m married to a twat? If I told him this he’d be angry (he doesn’t like my SIL anyway and thinks she’s stuck up), but I’m nearly 40 now, both my kids are at school and I’m feeling totally different, like maybe I need a new chapter, I dunno really.
But I guess this post isn’t about whether I should leave my DH of 10 years, but if I should meet up with my DBro and SIL without him and if that’s okay!?

I think that’s perfectly okay

It’s okay. You’re allowed to see your own brother no matter what anyone tells you.

Agree that would be fine

It's totally fine to meet them without your husband. You're not joined at the hip. But just because they don't like DH doesn't mean nobody does. And it's about how YOU feel about him.

The fact your reaction to them excluding him wasn't indignation, and trying to defend his character. It was more that you totally could see why they felt that way and you feel similar?

Do you think your relationship is worth redeeming or is it dead in the water? If the latter then splitting might be a good thing.

Of course it's OK.

I know if I tell DH he’ll say it’s fine to see my DBro. But if he’s not invited SIL shouldn’t be. But I think that would be unfair on SIL seeing as she brought it up, and she isn’t difficult. I know my DH has been rude in the past towards them.

I understand your desire for connection with wider family I truly do. I’m not sure how you are going to manage this whilst excluding your husband. If your husband doesn’t want to have dealings with your SIL & brother, then fine. But I think it’ll be like ‘a stone in the shoe’ with him each time you socialize with them.

Enjoy and go with these new meetups due to the children’s activities & see how things progress gently. The children are at least meeting cousins this way. Be patient, as I read it, there’s a relationship with your brother that could be improved upon if he’s willing as well.

Have you posted this before? The inviting yourself and your family to your bro's and an argument happening and you complaining how the cousins aren't cousining the way you think they should sounds really familiar.

I wouldn't go where my husband wasn't welcome. If you don't like him, leave him.

I have lived through this and it will get to a crunch point. It’s rubbish. I think you can see brother and sister in law on odd occasion easily but I think in back of your mind you’ll always be hoping for everyone together as one. Maybe you can angle the kids spending more time together to bond as cousins at soft plays. Trampoline parks. That kind of thing? How about start with you and sis in law and build it up. Make sure you do talk about your OH. I mentally struggled to separate everyone. Eventually my marriage ended.

In what ways has he been rude to them?

Of course it would be ok to see them

Just frame it as you are going to take the kids to see their cousins, or that you are popping in to see your family. I have a BIL who completely dominates and over talks everyone. He doesn't mean any harm, but I never invite my sister to my home because of him.

this has been an ongoing situation for the last 5 or so years which I have posted about before.

Well if your husband doesn't even like your sil anyway so wouldn't want to see her surely. Does he like your brother? Is your brother normally easy enough to get on with?

It does seem quite extreme to say they never want to see him at all and I would want to know what's gone on.

What exactly happened at Christmas?

Fwiw, my husband sees his sister without me and I encourage it! I don't care at all. I don't really know her and we are very different people. It means I get the odd day to myself if my husband takes the kids to see his sister and her kids. Sometimes her husband is there. It is not a problem for me at all.

BUT, if I ever wanted to go, I probably wouldn't be told not to come. It's more of a polite, unspoken agreement we've come to where nobody has been barred or told not to come.

So he's been rude to them before. Well it is hardly any wonder they don't want to see him then, is it?

That makes no sense. How can you go to your brother and SIL's house and your SIL 'not be invited'?
It's her house!

Would be actually care if you just went one day? On a day he was working/busy maybe to make it easier. Would he say ‘was I not invited?’…..it’s just I can’t imagine my DH being at all bothered about me visiting my brother without him and I don’t think he would assume/expect to be invited. To have a problem with your SIL being there if he isn’t is particularly childish

would he actually want to go?

I’d have asked why they don’t like your DH to be honest as I’d be worried that they know something I don’t. Is your husband hard to get along with or something?

I know my DH has been rude in the past towards them

What’s the rest of this story?

DH isn’t anything like my brother. My brother is mild mannered, more quiet, thoughtful and sensitive. In some ways I find my brother boring but he’s a very good man.
My DH likes a drink, and a laugh, but he sometimes says stupid things or puts his foot in it, but he works hard for his business and we do have good times.
He just doesn’t gel with Bro and SIL. We’ve tried to meet up in the past, particularly since I had youngest who is 12 months apart from their oldest, and we moved back to the same area, but nothing seems to gel, and I can tell my SIL doesn’t like my DH and he doesn’t like her.
It feels like the relationship and conversation gets a bit competitive.
Whereas when I’ve been on my own with Bro and SIL it feels easier for me and nicer.

I guess part of me is a little green eyed of Bro and SIL, they just seem to have their shit together and a strong relationship. Whereas I feel I am always uncomfortable about what DH is going to say next. If I start meeting them without him it feels like I’m admiring defeat, that my DH isn’t good enough for them, which places them on a pedestal. I dunno…

I'd be mortified if my partner was so rude/unpleasant/whatever that family members refused to see him.

It's pointless being jealous of your DB/SIL relationship just because yours isn't good - you CAN change that, you know? You don't have to stay in a relationship if you're not happy.

It's very clear from what you've said, that they don't like him, and, importantly, he doesn't like them. And you know why and you admit that he's been rude to them and that you're on pins because of his behaviour.

Don't let your DH, and your envy of their relationship, ruin yours with your brother. They sound like good people, and we all need family members like that on our lives.

Your DH wouldn't want to go anyway, so I think you should rekindle your relationship with your brother, and try to keep your envy in check.
Should you ever leave your DH, these are the people you will want to have your back and support you.

Don’t make a big deal of it to dh and just go and see them with the kids. Tbh my dh is very happy to get time to himself at home when I go to see my extended family.

I think it's fine. Your DH doesn't like your SIL anyway so he's not exactly going to be upset that he can't go. Tell him you're taking the kids over to see your brother and he's got the afternoon off to see his friends/do whatever he wants. I can't see there would be many parents who would be desperate to spend the afternoon with their in-laws rather than have some time to themselves.

Obviously, it's different if you want to go there on Christmas Day or something and he isn't invited, but a random Saturday during the year... absolutely fine.

Yep, see them on your own! Have fun!!

You're overthinking this, just see whoever you want, it's fine.