Think my 20 year marriage is over

[StartingAgain25]

I'm hoping for some kind words as I can't speak to anyone in person right now.

I think my marriage is over. Or is in the process of imploding. My husband and I have had a couple of days of talks and crying and I've said I'm done.

We've been together 20 years and are in our early 40s. No kids.

There's far too much back story to go into detail. But it's the usual...I've paid for everything, arranged everything, done wildly more than my fair share of domestic drudge, bailed him out of financial crises a couple of times, and generally dragged him along behind me. I feel unappreciated and unnoticed. I really take care of myself to keep in shape and looking good, and I think I could cartwheel through the room, naked, with my hair on fire, and he wouldn't even give me a sidewards glance.

He's made some dramatic changes in the last couple of years and tried to make it up to me, but I feel its too little too late, and I have too much resentment from feeling so put upon and burdened for 2 decades.

Then this year he's been hit with a health issue and our relationship has gone downhill. I just feel I no longer have the reserves to support him in the way he needs, after being his support animal for my entire adult life.

We've had some amazingly happy times and he's my best friend. He's a good guy - I'm obviously only sharing the negatives here - so please no "good riddance" comments. I love him and we've gone through so much together. I'm in a lot of pain.

I think I would have been better suited to being with a more "type A" personality - someone with a bit of drive across the board - so I didn't constantly feel like some hard-nosed nagging bitch, banging my head against a brick wall over and over, expecting him to change and become someone he's not.

I'm fearful for him with his health issue and how he'll cope without me. And I feel like a monster for wanting to leave while he's in the thick of it. But I don't think I can do this anymore. I feel too young to spend my life trapped in this drudge.

I feel like I can't breathe. I don't even know how you begin to untangle things financially, and get the house sold. I don't know how to tell family and friends and feel embarrassed that my marriage has failed. I'm very independent and cope well on my own, but I'm scared about the future and don't know what happens next.

Thanks if you've read this far x

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. I do think you'll feel a lot better in a while.

It goes to show that when someone treats you badly - and he did do that - then you reach a point where you realise you can't put up with it any more. That's on him, but of course it's upsetting for you now.

It's interesting you're now questioning the type of man you should be with. Be careful what you wish for as a Type A may well want you to do all the housework etc too. Go for a kind man next time, someone who treats you as an equal, someone who makes you laugh and who cares for you and who you could talk to all night. Those men are still around - look for those qualities rather than specifically a Type A sort of man.

Thanks. DH does love me, and is someone who makes me laugh - or used to - and I can talk to him all night, and he does treat me as an equal in that he's proud of what I've achieved in my career and so on. But I've told him he's not treated me kindly by dumping everything on me and letting me do the heavy lifting for so long.

It sounds like there’s stop a lot of love there … could you go to couples counselling?

You have nothing to feel embarrassed about. You know you've carried him and daily life and your relationship for a long time and you're tired and resentful and seeking a better future for yourself than being a mother replacement for a grown man. OP, this is not uncommon. I sympathise and am in a similar situation. You just get to the point that you cannot and do not want to do it all any more. Please now be at least as kind to yourself as you have been to your H.

I just don't know how it would help. I've had therapy myself several times - not for this issue though - and it's expensive (£100 an hour!) and has never helped me. I'm so communicative, I give DH the information to do better. Things change for a week and then slip back to how they were.

That's an awful lot to be dealing with. I'm so sorry you're both going through this.

If you still love him and there's part of you that would like to continue things, you should try counselling just in case.

But if you're done, that's totally okay too. It's not a failure to realize that a relationship is no longer working for you anymore and it's okay to decide to move on in that situation. Please don't think of yourself as a failure. If you're no longer compatible with each other, there's no shame or failure in that, you've both just outgrown each other and that's nobody's fault.

If you do decide that it's over, go and speak to a divorce lawyer. They know how to untangle everything for you, it's not something you have to figure out by yourself.

As for your husband's health and your fears for him, there's absolutely no reason why you can't still be best friends or why you still can't help him and nag the crap out of him (though once you divorce him he doesn't have to listen). You can still be there for him even though you're separated or married or find another partner. It's your life and your relationship with him and you both get to choose exactly what that relationship looks like going forward. Just because Auntie A and Cousin B and Friend C say "Divorced couples don't act like that," doesn't mean you have to listen. You two decide.