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Original poster

Are we compatible? Finances

21 replies

Itsthedifference · 14/09/2025 16:05

I’m in a relationship (3 years) with a lovely man who is 13 years older than me.

We are both divorcees in our 30s/40s with children from previous relationships. We live together and it’s going well.

He is very kind, funny, we get on like best friends and we love each other very much. It feels like a very stable and loving home we have together (despite the fact it is early days). He truly makes me very, very happy and I couldn’t imagine not being with him now. Our children are thriving and happy too.

He earns fairly good salary. (About 20% less than mine) and he is very generous. Always pays at least half and never expects me to pay for him.

However, I worry about his financial future and I don’t know how to bring it up.

-He has minimal pension for someone of his age and does NOT regularly pay in anything/much.
-He purchases a new motorbike or bike every other month. Selling the old one when he can. But seems to make a loss on the sales. ( Uses loans or finance to purchase these. I believe he has a credit card that he relies on, but not too much debt on it.)
-He doesn't own a house, and has a small amount of investments (around £50k)
-He doesnt worry about his future retirement and pension. (Whereas I put away £2500 per month into my pension and max out my ISA each month. I have a few successful businesses.)

Although he says he’d like to buy a house together, I just don’t feel he’s serious- there’s no urgency or time plan on this. To be honest, I feel quite crammed in this current house we are in with the 6 of us. He knows this.

I worry that our financial priorities are so far apart. Whilst I understand that being partners, I could be looking at this wrong. Perhaps I should be looking at our finances as joint- but I can’t. (I worry about ever getting married again and financially losing out- again)

I worry about where we will be in 20 years.
Will I need to support him financially when he retires? What if I want a nice holiday, but he can’t afford it (should I be expected to pay for him?)

He's a wonderful person. The kindest heart. So I feel really horrible writing this down here but I’d really appreciate your thoughts on mumsnet.

I hope this post doesn’t come across as cold and heartless. I understand partnerships/marriages are just that- a partnership and joint venture.

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 14/09/2025 16:10

£2500 a month into a pension is a lot.

You have different financial aspirations. You would be subbing him in a future relationship. You may be fine with this.

PersephoneParlormaid · 14/09/2025 16:12

You need to protect your kids and keep your finances separate.

Original poster
Itsthedifference · 14/09/2025 16:21

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 14/09/2025 16:10

£2500 a month into a pension is a lot.

You have different financial aspirations. You would be subbing him in a future relationship. You may be fine with this.

Yes it’s a lot. I only started my pension 5 years ago, so it’s been quite small, but it’s fairly decent now.

But it’s a tax efficient way to extract from the businesses.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsthedifference · 14/09/2025 16:22

PersephoneParlormaid · 14/09/2025 16:12

You need to protect your kids and keep your finances separate.

Yes, I will be doing this. He knows this too, as I made it clear about my thoughts about ring fencing finances prior to marriage.

But I just worry about how our future will look at retirement.

OP posts:
HoHoHo99 · 14/09/2025 16:27

Why marry when financial situation and approach are so different?

Setting yourself up op.

Blushingm · 14/09/2025 16:30

£2500 into your pension? That’s my entire income!

HappyHedgehog247 · 14/09/2025 16:31

How come you don't know how to bring this up? It's important to be able to talk openly about things, even tricky things. Surely you could say what you've shared here? How does he see the future working out? Maybe his life events have made him more of a 'live for today' person in which case there is a difference from you to navigate (or see that it is impossible to navigate)

Mumlaplomb · 14/09/2025 16:35

To be honest it sounds like this relationship works well as is, so I wouldn’t marry him or merge finances any more than you have. Leave things as they are then he won’t have a claim on your pension etc. maybe you can advise him to start with a pension however but it’s up to him. Don’t marry him.!

SiameseBlueEyes · 14/09/2025 16:40

I think you're his pension plan. If this continues no doubt you will also be paying for the house you might eventually buy. My grandfather said when poverty comes in the door love goes out the window and it's very true. I just would not put up with this level of financial irresponsibility.

Original poster
Itsthedifference · 14/09/2025 16:43

HappyHedgehog247 · 14/09/2025 16:31

How come you don't know how to bring this up? It's important to be able to talk openly about things, even tricky things. Surely you could say what you've shared here? How does he see the future working out? Maybe his life events have made him more of a 'live for today' person in which case there is a difference from you to navigate (or see that it is impossible to navigate)

We are both awkward discussing money related things 😬

OP posts:
GOODCAT · 14/09/2025 20:39

Don't marry him and keep your finances separate. I also wouldn't buy a house with him without knowing a lot more about his finances. In particular I would want to know the extent of the debt.

Essentially marriage is a financial contract with someone you love. You may have a similar outlook on your partnership in terms of love and practicalities like chores, but it sounds as though you may be too far apart financially. If you would rather have a more secure retirement yourself and/or help your kids get set up, than have to save enough for both of you in retirement, you need to know where he is financially and him be on board with getting saving.

workshy46 · 14/09/2025 20:48

Don’t marry him for god sake.. pre nips are not valid so there is no way to ring fence your finances in the event if marriage.. even your pension would be up for grabs. It would be one thing if he was less well off but financially prudent .. but he’s frittering his money away on bikes and crap. Definitely keep finances separate but I’m guessing the reason he’s not worried about retirement is that he’s landed on his paws wigh you ,, your house and soon it will be you taking care of all the extras

redfishcat · 14/09/2025 21:05

Please don’t marry him. He sees you as his pension plan.

keepingsanity · 14/09/2025 21:46

I’m in a similar set up. Older partner, he has very little pension etc
I set out a timeline with dates when he would retire and I, expected income and key things like children at university. It clarified it in my mind and I showed it to him. He seemed less concerned than me. I think is pension plan IS me. Therefore we aren’t going to marry in the short or medium future and won’t be joining finances. He’s a wonderful man, kind, loving and caring but he doesn’t have the will to plan for the future. “ Best case” scenario is that he will get an inheritance putting us on a more equal footing. So I may reconsider but short term it’s a definite no.

think about what you want to be doing in your retirement, draw up expected outgoings, and consider mortgage expiry dates, and what you would like to do to support your children (driving lessons/uni etc)

with a big age gap also consider “active years” and how this impacts how your retirement will look. I will be 65 and him nearly 80… what do you need to retire earlier and enjoy some fun time together?

Original poster
Itsthedifference · 15/09/2025 06:58

keepingsanity · 14/09/2025 21:46

I’m in a similar set up. Older partner, he has very little pension etc
I set out a timeline with dates when he would retire and I, expected income and key things like children at university. It clarified it in my mind and I showed it to him. He seemed less concerned than me. I think is pension plan IS me. Therefore we aren’t going to marry in the short or medium future and won’t be joining finances. He’s a wonderful man, kind, loving and caring but he doesn’t have the will to plan for the future. “ Best case” scenario is that he will get an inheritance putting us on a more equal footing. So I may reconsider but short term it’s a definite no.

think about what you want to be doing in your retirement, draw up expected outgoings, and consider mortgage expiry dates, and what you would like to do to support your children (driving lessons/uni etc)

with a big age gap also consider “active years” and how this impacts how your retirement will look. I will be 65 and him nearly 80… what do you need to retire earlier and enjoy some fun time together?

Interestingly similar. My partner is expecting an inheritance too. Which I’m not sure will actually come to him.

Please can you tell me how you broached the subject with your partner? I don’t know how to bring it up.

OP posts:
keepingsanity · 15/09/2025 17:27

we had spoken about it previously as in he had no pension and when I was reviewing the performance of mine I then brought it up with him. I asked how long he intended to work for and what his plans were to fund himself in retirement. The visual timeline of retirement dates / our ages / ehennpensions kick in helped clarify it

user892734543544 · 15/09/2025 18:41

I'm sorry, but he's found a nurse with a purse. A hospice wife. It's not just his finances you'll be taking care of.

Crushed23 · 15/09/2025 18:48

With his financial irresponsibility and the big age gap you are literally going to end up his nurse with a purse.

Crushed23 · 15/09/2025 18:48

user892734543544 · 15/09/2025 18:41

I'm sorry, but he's found a nurse with a purse. A hospice wife. It's not just his finances you'll be taking care of.

Cross-post

Anchorage56 · 15/09/2025 18:55

Itsthedifference · 15/09/2025 06:58

Interestingly similar. My partner is expecting an inheritance too. Which I’m not sure will actually come to him.

Please can you tell me how you broached the subject with your partner? I don’t know how to bring it up.

Show quote history

Why dont you think the inheritance will go to him?

Nosdacariad · 29/12/2025 10:42

GOODCAT · 14/09/2025 20:39

Don't marry him and keep your finances separate. I also wouldn't buy a house with him without knowing a lot more about his finances. In particular I would want to know the extent of the debt.

Essentially marriage is a financial contract with someone you love. You may have a similar outlook on your partnership in terms of love and practicalities like chores, but it sounds as though you may be too far apart financially. If you would rather have a more secure retirement yourself and/or help your kids get set up, than have to save enough for both of you in retirement, you need to know where he is financially and him be on board with getting saving.

Things were similar with my partner.

He was refused a credit card which worried me and I suggested we share our credit files for transparency as he was clearly hiding something.

Turned out he was on a many-years DMP so had we taken any joint financial things my credit rating would have been affected and a joint mortgage would have been unlikely.

On reflection I was definitely his pension plan, a role I gracefully declined.

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