counselling after an affair - ur thoughts and stories

[MyHeadIsSpinning]

I've been posting for a while as my DH and I have been having problems (he is usure whether he loves me enough to stay with me etc) for the past 6 mths since the birth of our first child and I recently found out that he has been having an emotional affair with OW and had been confiding in her about our relationship probs.

The ow was really more of a symptom than the cause and although the situation is killing me I am trying hard to focus on the future and try and find a away through the situation.

He says he is sorry and wants to make things work. We have started counselling and it seems to helping a little (only had 2 sessions together so far - I have been going on my own for about 4 weeks)

However we are both finding it really difficult to get through the weekends, I get tense and ask questions about the OW and time he spent with her, what they talked about etc - I'm obsessed but understand that this is normal at such an early stage.

He is struggling to make things work, so although he is saying he wants to stay together I feel that he isn't trying as much as he could be. He argues that it's not going to happen over night but when I question him about his feelings he doubts if we can get back to the way we were cos he isn't in love with me anymore (but does love me and said that this is growing and improving when I asked him this morning) We both feel that this is stopping him from trying 100%

I also think that he misses talking to the OW - he has kind of admitted this when I asked - and I understand this (although again it kills me) and I worry that he will go and see her if we have a row - he swears that he won't. He works in the same office as her too which makes things more difficult for me to trust him.

Suppose the reason I am posting is to see if anyone has been in a similar situation and if so did things get easier/better - do you think that there is hope for us? Does anyone have any advice on how to get the 'in love' feeling back?

I know there are no def answers but an idea of how long it took others to get things back would be much appreciated

Hello there.

Your post could have been written by me in 2005.

My h had an emotional affair with a woman at work - was confiding in her and not speaking to me at all. If we had a row I thought he would go running to her (and I'm sure he did go back to talk to her).

I don't want to depress you but I still think about it every day.

In some respects things are better - we went for counselling and various issues were discussed which may have continued to fester and in some ways we are stronger than ever - BUT - it has to be said that a small part of my soul died. I do find it difficult to trust him 100% but I try my best.

It sounds like your H wants to make things work and that is worth a lot. All the best.

'a small part of my soul died'
dalek that how i feel

How long did you have counselling for? Howdid you cope with him still working with her?

Anyone been through this and come out the other side?

I am afraid I am in the same situation and, as Dalek said, could have written the above myself.

You dont say how long it has been since you found out. I am now 7 months down the line and things have got better and then worse.

My only advice would be counselling can only work if you both REALLY want it to work. If you are pushing for it and he is only going along for an easy life, or until he really knows what he wants (and from what I have experienced I think it is a long time before they truly know what they want) then it wont help.

We started counselling, because it was what I wanted but I always knew h wasn't that into it. Now I have stopped arranging appointments, removed my wedding ring, and told him when he is ready we could try again but the ring wont go back on until I can trust him again, which I have now come to realise might not happen.

Deep down you just want to feel the same way about your other half but that may never happen. You may be able to rebuild your relationship but it will always be different.

Be strong

I am reluctant to post this for fear of the outcome, but I have been the OW in an emotional affair.

We were both going though difficult patches and he did eventually divorce his wife- but i couldn't leave my husband and children.

From what you say, it would be much better if he could change jobs - is this at all possible?

Or could she?

Geopgraphy is very important- in my case, the OM moved away and it meant we literally could not see each other.

To put it bluntly, what is counselling meant to be achieving? My part as the OW meant I was giving him something that he didn't get at home- a listening ear- and he was very unhappy anyway. I am sure you know this, but was the affair a symptom of things not being right- and if so, what? He needs to be clear about what he was getting out of it, so that he can- hopefully- get than from his marriage with you.

He also has to be 100% sure that he wants to close that door for good.

I hope it works out.

Eventually she left so I was able to feel a bit better about the fact that he didn't see her everyday - although she did her best to try and maintain contact(even when she moved to the US) which caused no end of rows. She divorced her H and I think she was hoping that H and I would get divorced.

She is now back in the UK and I do ask my H from time to time whether he has heard from her - he says not but I have made it my business to know where she works. At the time I hired a private investigator to try and get as much information as possible. I told H about this eventually and he was very shocked but I told him that I had to do something as he wasn't telling me anything and he had already lied about their relationship so I had to get my own info. I would happily hire a private investigator again if I felt the need. At the time I just needed to know as much as possible about her - sounds pathetic but that's how I felt.

Hope that you can get through this.

X

I have been there too.

Firstly do not feel bad about wanting to know all the answers - he is the only one who can give you the answers.

Also know that you do not want to be in this realationship unless things change.

It took my h a long time to be really honest - months actually. He lied to the counsellor for a long time too .

The only advice i can give is to stop trying to get him to change and make sure you are the best you can be - then if he stays you will know that it is for the right reasons and not because of something you did or didnt do. If you are having to hold your tounge - believe me you will build up resentment (and wonder if you had been 'true' to your own feelings he would still be there).

WRT to the working with the ow - i would urge you very strongly to try and get him to change jobs as it will eat you up to think that he has put his job before you.
I did think that my h and ow could work together (they had been a fantastic team) but unfornately i do not believe it ever works - and you 'needing' to know about any contact will only play into her hands as he will confide in her making the bond even stronger.

You are worth him making a sacrifices now so please dont let him talk you around and have everything his way.

Also dont worry about the trust thing - there are many forms of trust and you can still have a great relationship - it will just be different.
Some couples dont 'trust' each other with money or looking after the children .......
Just because for a while he will have to be completly open and honest does not mean you do not trust him or will again in the future - anyone who has had their fingers burned will be cautious for a while - so dont beat yourself up about it.

It is a long bumpy journey but i wish you lots of luck.
Take care

thanks for the posts -
I feel as though I'm going mad at the moment 99% of my waking hours is spent thinking about what might have happened, what I know did happen and what might happen in the future

I feel sick most of the time.

I also feel stupid for wanting to stay with someone who has treated me so badly

Happywoman - can I ask what eventusally prompted your DH to finally be 100% honest?

girlnextdoor - I am always a listening ear so there was really no need to confide in ow

I hate this attitude that some how we (the betrayed wives) are somehow to blame
I would be the first to admit my marriage was going through a rough patch - I did not however go and confide or shag someone else
I am sorry my story does not have a happy ending - I am 2 years down the line (almost to the day) - we are friends now - but yes "my soul died" when I found out and I could never out the pieces back together
I think the H (like HW's) really has to want to make a supreme effort to change and regain that trust and respect and honestly I don't believe most men are up to it - I truly hope yours is one of those (maturer and HW are 2 whose have)

McD - agree, I have had a long time to thing about this and I now believe that men and woman view affairs very differently.

For men it can start as a 'quick shag' without the emotions being involved but i think for the ow it is usually about more - gaining control over the wife and wanting to be seen as somehow 'better' 'look at me I am one of those rare woman (unlike your wife) who is happy to have sex whenever and wherever without the strings attached'. It has to be secret because otherwise the wife would 'win' - I dont think many men embark on an affair because there is a problem in their marriage - but i do think woman do - lets face it we do tend to think about these things more anyway.

I too knew my marriage was not perfect - whos is - but i was too trusting of the 'world' and thought others would have the same moral code as me and not have an affair.

To answer your question - it took my h an awful long time to firstly break contact with ow and then see the damage he had done.

He did the usual - saying he wanted to stay but still seeing her - then moaping about the place all sad and forlorn and expecting me to make him feel better (and blaming me for how he felt). He did eventually convince himself that he wanted to leave - which he did .

We went to counselling and at first he lied, for us the turning point was when i was going to move into a house on my own (and i do think he was jealous of that life i was going to have)., He could see i was moving on and actually he had not got what he wanted at all. He then came begging literally on bended knee (day after day after day). I did not change my course and slowly we did become friends again. He asked me if he could move and i did say yes (this was a decission i do feel i took too quickly - its not the wrong one it was just forced upon me). I wish i had actually moved alone for my own strength now.

He really did hit rock bottom - looked dreadful and was not really looking after himself and could not look after the children properly - he took himself to counselling and slowly 'came back to his normal self' it was as if he was 'lost' for a while.
I knew he had changed when one afernoon i did go through his old emails (which was very hard for me - his work keep them all and then can be accessed if needed), he didnt go mad at me for looking and said he completly understood and would rather i knew everything so he did not have to hide anything ever again. He also now leaves his phone around and is happy if i ask where he is - he knows i am not being controlling or trying to stop him having a good time i am just feeling a bit low.

We were lucky too in that he was in a job where he could ask for a lot of time off (the gp would sign him off anyway) he took 5 months off so we could 're-build' that bond we had.

It is never going to be the same - but i have learnt so much about me now too and i am grateful for that too. It can be better - something has died in me too but has been replaced by a knowledge that i am worth so much more now and i will cope with anything.
We both work at it and try and do 'things' for each other now, he knows what a 'knob' he was and says he does not want to let himself down again.

I do hope it works out for you but it is a long uncomfortable journey.
Do take care of yourself and dont rush into any decissions - you need the conrol now.

I started to realise that the one person I could not look to, to help me recover from my xP's affair was him. Which may sound strange but we were so close, it was an almost habitual response to turn to him as we had always turned to each other.

I realised that this was placing power in his hands and pressure on both of us. My life and emotions were still being determined by his responses.

I chose to go to counselling alone, with this in mind. It took one session for me to realise that I did not want or need to be with him, despite his wish for us to be together again (although I miss him desperately and have been more distraught over him than I ever thought possible). I continue to go to help me set boundaries against his advances and plans for my future.

I see now that it's me, I alone as an individual that needs to recover, heal and move forward. That is my wish and my responsibility. His recovery is entirely his responsibility and when in the aftermath I put emphasis on us rather than me, I was losing myself!

That is spot on - taking control of your own future.
It is hard sometimes when you are used to getting support from your partner.

i suppose that is what i feel i have lost most - but having said that i have gained a lot too - I have looked at myself in more detail and now set boundaries for me (and that has helped with friends too - some have been lost along the way as i am not prepared to be 'used' again but also not afraid to lose them).

We do have a new 'improved' relationship now and comunication is the key.

Sometimes in the raw aftermath it is difficult to focus on yourself and when there are children and family involved it is harder.

My choice is good for me now and if it ever gets to a point that the marriage is not working for me then i will never be afraid to get out.
We of course will always have ups and down but now we deal with problems together and talk about things rather than looking outside the marriage for support.

MHIS - my h and I went for counselling after his affair. It was very helpful. He now goes alone (to the same counsellor). As with anything, these things only work if people are very committed. My h had a sexual affair and there was no emotional tie between him and the OW. Where there is an emotional tie I think it can take longer for men to disengage and really start working to save their marriage. The problem is that a sexual affair is so so damaging that it is a struggle for the person who's been betrayed to want to save the relationship. I would hazard a guess that more marriages break up due to sexual infidelity than emotional infidelity. I have no stats though. I can imagine how very hurtful this is for you. I remember being relieved that despite the terrible betrayal from my h that at least he didn't have feelings for her (though at the same time thinking how cruelly ironic it was that he was treating the person he does have feelings for like a piece of shit). Affairs of any kind cause so much mess and confusion. Is he making himself transparent? Like HW said (she has amazing advice btw) transparency is v important. You need to be able to rebuild trust in him and he needs to do whatever it takes to help you.

Thanks Ladylush - sorry to hear what you have been through

He is going to see the counsellor on his own next week then we are back there together the week after. The session this week felt really positive and he does seem to be making more of an effort.

Weekedns are the worst though as we try to be 'normal' but plainly can't be at the moment. The counsellor has given us some tips and we are going to give that a try this weekend.

Maybe you should stop trying to be "normal" and just go with the flow. I'm not suggesting that you rant and rave in front of the kids but if you feel vulnerable you should be able to cry and if you feel like you need reassurance you should be able to seek it. If you feel angry, you should be able to express it (though maybe not by clumping him around the head ). Communication rather than feigning normality is what will help you both get through this and reconnect. BUT I'm not saying it's easy. It's certainly not easy. I think my h and I still struggle a bit with it. I find that I feel worse if we have been intimate. This is when I feel most vulnerable. He will say "I love you" and I find the words seem to evaporate before I can say it back