Should I tell my dad when this baby is born? Not really heard from him throughout pregnancy

[Minkus]

My Dad and his wife only live 6 miles away, in the house I grew up in. I'm now 35 weeks pregnant with our second child. Dad is terrible at keeping in contact- I used to ring/drop round to see them etc but tbh found it all too stressful trying to keep a relationship going when there was nothing coming back. He is always pleased to see me/ get a phone call but just doesn't reciprocate. If I didn't bother calling him then we'd never (and I mean that) speak/see each other. He isn't interested in my life- he never asks about our lovely ds who's 3.5 if I'm on the phone or anything else that might be important in our lives and whilst that used to really hurt, I've let that bit of upset go now really and have just acepted that he's not an "interested" parent.

I last saw him in March for his birthday, took round cake/card etc (present was being delivered to his house from online store but hadn't arrived even though I'd ordered well in advance grrr) but haven't heard a thing from him since. Prior to that, I'd been in and out of hospital with hyperemesis and to give him credit he did call me once to see how I was doing.

Now I'm in a dilemma- I'm so disappointed (but not surprised iykwim) that he's not been in contact since the start of March that I don't know whether I should take it that he's just not that bothered about this baby (in the same way that he's not bothered about ds) and so I don't need to tell him immediately that it's been born.

Actually now I've just written that last sentence I can see how petty it sounds, like I'm trying to make a point to him but I suppose it is like that really. I could have called him/been over to see him but as he makes so little effort to keep our relationship going I made a decision just after ds was born to not spend the energy maintaining a relationship that upset me so much and caused so much stress and worry (I'd wind myself up before visits/calls etc). When ds arrived and I felt my force of love for him, I just couldn't understand how a parent could never be interested in their child's life no matter how old the child. So took a step back from dad and decided to concentrate instead on our little family.

Not sure what advice/opinion I'm asking for here but guess it's that I'm not sure how to handle telling dad that he's a grandpa again.

Sorry this was a bit of a long old rant!

Ooops I should obviously make it very very very clear that DH and I are expecting our second child

send him a text...don't put yourself out. This is what we did when we were in a similar situation with MIL.

I would send him a birth announcement card but not call or text (if you text and he just texts back you will feel let down). Hopefully he will receive the card and call you. If he does not then I would give up.

Thinking about it a little more I might be tempted to write him a letter before the baby is born setting out how let down you feel. Sometimes men are really dense and maybe if he knew how hurt you have been he would be horrified and would pull himself together.

Send him a card saying 'just thought you might like to know you have a new grandchild. YOu're more than welcome to come and see him/her. Love.....'

and leave it at that.

send him a note (or an email if he has one)

Minkus

Is your Dad's wife your stepmother?. I am sorry to ask such a personal question but if this is the case it may well be why your Dad is so distance now. I only ask as well because of the way it was phrased at the beginning.

TBH I would just send a very brief announcement and leave it at that. His loss ultimately if he cannot be asked to keep up contact with his daughter and grandchildren.

Do you have siblings - how does he get on with them?.

can i just say on mens behalf that not many men are phone people iykwim? some men just find it hard to talk on the phone.

i think i would just text him, along with everyone else to let him know and try not to expect anything.

Thanks everyone for opinions, sorry I posted and ran!

Artichokes- we've had a couple of deep n meaningful conversations (well obviously they are only deep and meaningful on my part!) over the years where I've said how let down I feel, and he says OK I'll make a bit more of an effort I'm sorry I do love you lots etc but then nothing changes. And so I feel even more stupid for putting my heart on the line and opening up to him.

Attilla - they have been married about 10 years so she's never been a mother figure in my life hence it feels a bit weird calling her a stepmum. We get on fine on the surface but I think she does have a lot to do with the distance between Dad and I (and the similar distance between him and my younger sister). They see her daughters and son quite frequently. I am annoyed that my dad is so spineless if she is "manipulating" the situation (for want of a better word).

Think a text might be the way to go, I always worry about being inconsiderate and try to treat him the "right" way iyswim but guess that if I continue to treat him as if everything is fine and with as much thought as I'd like him to show me he might never get the message.

Thanks for advice everyone.

Thanks everyone for opinions, sorry I posted and ran!

Artichokes- we've had a couple of deep n meaningful conversations (well obviously they are only deep and meaningful on my part!) over the years where I've said how let down I feel, and he says OK I'll make a bit more of an effort I'm sorry I do love you lots etc but then nothing changes. And so I feel even more stupid for putting my heart on the line and opening up to him.

Attilla - they have been married about 10 years so she's never been a mother figure in my life hence it feels a bit weird calling her a stepmum. We get on fine on the surface but I think she does have a lot to do with the distance between Dad and I (and the similar distance between him and my younger sister). They see her daughters and son quite frequently. I am annoyed that my dad is so spineless if she is "manipulating" the situation (for want of a better word).

Think a text might be the way to go, I always worry about being inconsiderate and try to treat him the "right" way iyswim but guess that if I continue to treat him as if everything is fine and with as much thought as I'd like him to show me he might never get the message.

Thanks for advice everyone.

Ooops sorry for double post!

Minkus- Was in the same boat as you earlier this year. I got DH to text birth announcement, Feel for you. It really bloody hurts doesnt it!
Only thing you can do is focus on your own beautiful family and leave them to it. Its a shame for them as they are the one's who will miss out in the long run. (((((hug)))))

this is EXACTLY like my Dad. He never ever contacts me but does act put out at times if I pull back emotionally. Which I have certainly done. And like you I have always tried to treat him well and correctly. Its fricking nightmare. WHY can they not just be normal parents????

If it were me I would send a birth announcement card. I agree with artichokes. If you send a text and he just sends one back that could make you feel awful. I mean a text from your father when you have a baby? You hope for something more. I like the idea of putting the ball in his court saying something in the card like "you are welcome to come see grandchild any time"

Do you have any siblings? I have one who I am very close to. My Dad obviously prefers her has even said that in plain English which is also very hurtful.

My dad is just like this. Hardly in contact at all during my pregnancy, and only saw DS twice in his first year of life. At some point I realised he is just crap at communicating and that I would have to make most of the effort if I want to maintain a relationship. For the sake of my DS I decided to make the effort.

I would say call to tell him, it is his grandchild and if you text/send a card it will send a message that you aren't bothered about keeping in touch, either -- probably the death knell for the relationship. I know it is crap but sometimes you have to be the bigger person.

FIL is like that we will phone when the baby arrives but really shows not a lot of interest in our lives or GD's

Minkus, it was like you were telling my story!

I sent him the birth announcement and he came round to my house 5 months later, didn't come in or anything just to give me a christmas card.

Do what you want, although to be honest you might be too busy running around after 2 babies aswell as having to run around after your dad aswell

Hi Minkus

Hmmm. Think your stepmum is also behind a lot of your Dad's actions now. However, he is also being selfish as well as a bystander (goes along with her wishes for a quiet life) so I would not let him off the hook completely. Seems he is concentrating instead on his wife's family to the expense of his own flesh and blood. His loss at the end of the day.

I would send a brief birth announcement card to them - do not send a text message.

How sad it is that a lot of us have such disinterested dads!

MegBusset- To be honest I am fed up with being the bigger person! I have tried and tried though. It's exhausting putting your own feelings to the back of your mind and I've done this for the last 15 years to no effect apart from a lot of heartache and tears for me.

I think I might have changed my mind since this morning though! My inclination now is to call and tell him, otherwise I would feel like I am point scoring and that's just silly. Plus I think it would be rather rude of me to potentially allow him to hear of the (hopefully) safe arrival of our new baby via a third party- friend or neighbour eg- I know this would hurt him and I don't want to intentionally upset him. That would just be unkind and not my bag.

Well I think I may have made a decision...maybe

I wouldn't see not calling him and sending a card instead as point scoring in the circumstances. I would see it more as not rewarding rude and hurtful behaviour, which may give him pause for thought....

Of course it may not change anything and you are the only one who can judge that.

You are very, very kind and patient daughter despite your hurt and, to me, he seems undeserving of all your consideration.

Minkus, I really, really don't blame you for how you feel and nobody could say that you haven't tried. At least if you make the decision to call now, you can put it to the back of your mind and concentrate on looking forward to your new arrival

obv a massive generalisation and there are plenty of exceptions, BUT i've noticed that men tend not to be so good at keeping in contact as women are. i have to keep in contact with my dh's family otherwise he'd hardly see them.

so i suspect this is not so much your dad, but your dad's wife not making the effort. she probably books up their mutual spare time with her family stuff so he doesn't get much of his own time and if he suggests doing something with you, perhaps she is less than enthusiastic so he doesn't push it.

may be way off base here of course.

I have a similar relationship with my father (although he's also further away and in ill health), and he'd shown very little interest in my recent pregnancy. DH did call him when DD was born, and he was really pleased to be called, chatted for a while, then made arrangements to come up and see us the next week (which he's never done before since splitting from my mother).

I think you're right -- if you don't call you'd just be point-scoring and being petty, and ultimately that would make you feel a bit grubby. A quick call takes very little effort, and you might be pleasantly surprised.

Minkus- Understand what you are saying re point scoring, and I felt the same which is why I went down the line of texting. Well, actually DH did a standard text to everyone at the same time. So he had the info at the same time as everyone else did.

I have to point out that I did not expect 'anything' back from him. I also didnt want particularly to speak to him because I didnt want to have the potential rush of negative emotions that speaking to him would have caused. SO even if he had called in response (which infact he didnt) Id already decided I wouldnt speak to him.

I just wanted my first hours/moments with bub to be light filled and happy.

Just make sure within your decision you really are being 'fair' and protective of yourself and your new bub first and foremost before your father.