Breaking up over porn

[namechanged221]

A year ago I had a horrible holiday with my DH and son. DH was distant and I felt invisible. Despite trying to look nice and create some sort of connection i really felt I was on holiday alone. I realised there was a problem and searched his laptop.

It transpired he was addicted to online porn and using every spare moment to get his dopamine hit. When we returned home. the magnitude of his problem with porn was disclosed to me by him.

He was working from home and 'edging' so spending hours just surfing porn with no climax or ending. Any time he could snatch a few moments he'd be on it. Waiting for me in the car, in the loo, at his mums house, when I was at the shops, etc, etc.

All the time depriving me of the attention and energy that should have been directed in to our relationship. (We did have sex but infrequently)

He'd lied, also creating fake emails and social media profiles to perv on women
He admitted it all and promised to change. He quit and went into therapy and attends 12 step group.

A year down the line I'm still finding out new things he's done from that time.
I'm obviously traumatised as I was living one life and there was this parallel system going on in secret that I knew nothing about.

His efforts to change are one thing but i genuinely can't get over being lied to and having my trust shattered.

I feel I've reached the end of the road, I keep wanting things to be ok again but I just come up against this fractured trust.

Don't know what I'm hoping for in this post, anyone been through the same issues? Am I overreacting? Should I give him and myself longer to get over this?

Nope. Time to put yourself first, he certainly doesn’t.

I thought 12-step programmes involved being completely honest about your behaviour? Have you challenged him on this drip-feed, and what does he say about it? I’d want to know everything, and then assess if I could get past it all.

Yes, it's a mixture of some stuff he withheld or concealed from me at the time because he was minimising his behaviour and other things that have only just surfaced during conversations

I'm trying to process it all. The drip feeding of the facts doesn't help. He's promised to write a full report of what his actions and behaviours were. His therapist is very thorough and takes a long time to move forward and his appointments are only fortnightly.

I see he's making progress with all of this and he has quit the porn, also stopped drinking and has really made an effort.

Despite this I'm still not sure I can continue in the relationship

I am perhaps earlier in the finding out stage than you OP, but I completely get the total lack of trust and jumbled thoughts and feelings, sadly though mine denies he has ever had an issue with porn.

However since I confronted him on the small stuff I was able to fine that he forgot to hide our intimacy has increased 10 fold so he was obviously replacing me and his desires were outside of the marriage, which is something I’m still struggling with. Also it’s not as if you can talk to anyone irl is it, as it’s so embarrassing!

Perhaps set a date for you to check in with yourself to make a decision (that’s If you’re willing to give it more time, you don’t owe him anything)

Can you attend relationship therapy with him? On the one hand I can see you’re hurt and I get that- but on the other if he’s stopped and changing I feel it’s a shame to throw it all away unless the other stuff that comes up indicates something like online interaction/affairs etc.

Thanks for all the replies.

It goes to talk about it and I do feel very isolated.

It's the lying and trust issues that I struggle with now.

We had couples therapy at the outset and realised he needed his own therapist to work through all of this.

I think it's come at a bad time for me, midlife, my children are at uni or going soon, I'm thinking about the future and not feeling cherished and appreciates in the relationship, I'd rather go it alone and have my own agency,

But yes, I could give it more time, a check in with myself at a specified time in the future might be a good idea.

Dr Minwalla does a lot of work on this issue and writes about the impacts of 'Secret Sexual Basements' on the partners being deceived.
You may find this podcast helpful as to why you feel as you do.
https://www.tellmehowyouremighty.com/14-an-interview-with-dr-omar-minwalla-the-secret-sexual-basement/

At the end of the day - is it a problem with porn or a problem with incredible selfishness. Is he capable of generally prioritising others over himself? DS, etc? .... Also why is he only having therapy fortnightly? I can understand the lack of trust. Give yourself time to figure out what you really want, but you could have a brand new, different chapter ahead of you.

Just because he’s working on it, doesn’t mean you have to stay. Your trust is gone, you are incredibly hurt, you do not need to support him through this. You can leave and work on healing yourself.

Forget relationship therapy and trying to get back on track. This relationship is over. Draw a line and stop flogging the dead horse. Just because your married you dont have to give chance after chance to make things work. File for divorce online today £600. Live a happier life and leave him to his box of tissues
✊ 💦

Thanks all.

It's a scary time for me. I'm conflicted about the future. Worries about making the wrong decision

Hi ive private messaged you xx

Just take your time op with any decision, is it early days that he has shared and got help?
I really respect for being open and getting help when confronted.
I really respect you op for not freaking and immediately ending the relationship.
It seems good that he is feeling safer and safer to share this various information with you.
Maybe you could tell him you need complete transparency with the phone etc and emails as you will see emails for age lift restrictions if he was back at it.
Make sure you share your trust concerns and that he really needs to put massive effort into the relationship and rebuilding trust outside of the therapy

I can really sympathise, I shared on here that I've spent the last 7years trying to come to terms with my husband admitting his porn addiction. Our children are young and I'm terrified of making the wrong decision for them, but the trust hasn't improved for me. I hate sharing a bed with him, feel like he watches me getting dressed. I know he feels lonely, and if I can be bothered to ask where he's at with his recovery I always feel his answer is vague. But recently I've started to think I'd feel less lonely on my own than I do living like this. I just don't know what seperation/ divorce looks like.
You posted a while ago, have you made a decision yet?