Confused and upset by my best friend

[Rosewater37]

Am I wrong to feel upset and hurt by my friends actions?
I turned 50 last year in August. Prior to this my friend had said we should go away and celebrate, for a year we spoke about it.
We were both looking at places, however I was ill just before my birthday and for a couple of months afterwards and we couldn’t go away - nothing had been booked
She suggested we would go to Christmas markets in Europe instead and I was looking and sending her places to go
She was putting it off and said we should go away May this year. I sent her numerous holidays to look at all on Italy or Ibiza
Her idea was Italy or Ibiza, I didn’t mind I was happy with either
Again nothing was booked, and I kept sending her things.
End of January she said she was trying to please everyone and her other friend had asked her to go away for 2 nights this October
Her other friend had asked her to go away for 2 nights and she didn’t think she could afford it all.
I fully understood that, however at no point did she say to me we weren’t going away and it was just left and never mentioned again,
I feel extremely hurt it was just dismissed as though I didn’t matter and my 50th wasn’t important
She knew how unwell I had been and what I had been through and I could have done with a holiday.
For the past few months I now feel as though I have been made a fool of by her as I have just found out that she went to Ibiza with her friend for 4 nights in July. The very area we had planned
She is not aware that I know and she has not told me.
We had been away for the night in July, this was 4 nights after she came back from Ibiza.
She had told me her friend had been to stay at hers for a few days and they had sat in the garden and got tans
I now know she has completely lied to me
However, my suspicions were telling me something was wrong. She gets flustered when she’s trying to cover something up. When we spoke about this friend, she tried to change the subject. Now I know why!
Prior to her going away we hardly had any contact for a month.
I know for a few months I wasn’t really making an effort as I was so hurt, because of being dismissed and it not being discussed why we weren’t going away
I don’t like confrontation or falling out with people. She is also very aware I hate being lied to
I just don’t get why a friend of over 25 years would treat me like this
I am so hurt and confused right now
Especially, when I have helped her out so much over the past few weeks with various things
I never thought she would ever lie to me. I don’t get why she could not have been truthful to me

That’s shit op. I’m sorry

For whatever reason shes changed her mind and doesn't want to go on holiday with you. Doesn't mean she can't go on holiday with other people.

I have no problem that she goes away with other people
I go away with other people
It is the fact I have been lied to and made a fool of that hurts!

Yikes, I can see why you're hurt.

I think you need to consider your options. Off the top of my head the obvious ones are:

1. say nothing but distance yourself/end the friendship
2. say nothing and just move on (this only works if you can assume she had good motivations for going and not telling you).
3. talk to her. If you'd do this I'd recommend going for an approach that avoids her getting defensive and shutting down conversation, even if you later decide her reasons are unacceptable. Something like, "could we talk? I can see that it must have been difficult to tell me about Ibiza given you weren't going to be going with me, but I would really like to understand what happened from your point if view as right now I'm feeling quite confused and hurt".

It's sad op that the friendship is more asymmetrical than you thought, but if you want to keep it at all you'll just have to lower your expectations of it and breeze on by. It's hard even at our age isn't it to be best friends who doesn't think of you as their best friend, but it's no one's fault really.

I would phase her out and definitely don't even entertain any more holiday talk

I don’t like confrontation or falling out with people. She is also very aware I hate being lied to
I just don’t get why a friend of over 25 years would treat me like this

You're doing a thing many people do, which is accepting your own weaknesses but not accepting other people's. She probably also hates confrontation or falling out, which perhaps made it hard for her to let you down.

You don't know why she opted to do the other holiday but not yours. Try not to project the reason, either ask her or accept you don't know whether there was a good reason or not.

You also can't ask friends not to have their privacy from you. A friend isn't required to tell you what they do when they're not with you. It's understandable, although not very helpful, that she might not wish to discuss going away with someone else.

I wonder if you need to re-evaluate this friendship a bit - she's not someone you go away with, but she is someone you enjoy socialising with?

Of course you are upset, unable to celebrate your birthday due to illness and then let down like that.

My guess is it is all in that phrase ‘trying to please everyone’, and the other friend was more pushy or had some pressing reason or prior commitment or something , and if she, like you ‘doesn’t like confrontation’ she couldn’t find a way to tell you so just fudged it and strung you along,

Which is a problem with people who can’t just be direct and say things, and how people pleasers actually end up hurting others.

She probably feels wretched about it, hence lying and then probably feeling wretched about that.

I would say “it looks as if we need to cancel the idea of a birthday celebration trip for my 50th. I’ll be honest and say I feel sad about that, know it was difficult when I got ill, but I do feel upset and disappointed. I really needed a holiday and a bit of a celebration. But we need to be realistic and if it’s not happening it’s not happening.”

Thats shit op.
I'd book something yourself there are good tours operators for solo travellers of all ages now. I made nice friends on a couple of them years back.

Some people are just shitty people. I bet if you ask her now about it she will somehow turn it all around on you. Horrible to have lied directly to your face about it but if she can lie with so much clarity, flair and information then is she really your friend? I hate liars.