Feel like I’m going mad. But I know I’m not

[TurningToKings]

I really, really can’t tell if I am being emotional/sensitive or if there‘s something going on.

H has always been a bit like this. Nothing I type here will disclose anything shocking or abusive but it feels off.

Example of today. No eye contact or good morning to me, after having to resort to shouting that he needs to get up. Then he is really sulky and sour that I’ve started his day by shouting ‘IT REALLY IS TIME TO GET UP NOW!’ As we have two high care needs boys that need constant attention and supervision/care

Today I took both boys to see my nan and grandad. 2 hour drive there. 2 hours back. I said I was not actually staying all day, unless maybe that would suit him and give him some time to himself? Him over the phone ‘yeah, can do. If that’s your plan’. I said okay, I’ll do that then. Alright then, bye darling. He will say ‘Bye Meghan’ and hang up. I am a super chirpy person and feel like it should be more springy. Maybe a me issue?

Coming back. Asked him to help me unload the car. He did. Both boys in. I then forgot I left my phone in the car so had to go to the driveway and get it. This is met with a massive sigh, and eye roll. My thinking is, what’s the problem?! It’s just a phone. I have a lot on my plate and forgot. His reply would be that he hadn’t said anything. If I push him to explain why he’s getting huffy, he will say he isn’t, he’s fine. If I push it again he will get all arsey and say ‘there wasn’t a problem but there is now you won’t stop having a go at me’

Both boys in bed. I go downstairs. He settled DS2 and me DS1. When I enter the kitchen, silence. It feels off. Like the atmosphere is strange. Like it just isn’t right. I say ‘hey, you okay!’ And he will say ‘fine’ and no follow up.

Then start asking me to do things whilst he’s doing things, directing me towards odd jobs while he does odd jobs. He will sigh about the boys making a mess, having just deep cleaned the floors when they were out.

If the two girls are there (our beagles), he will say ‘aren’t you going to say a proper hello to the girls then? 🤨’ and I will. He will then say, in jest, they’ve been waiting for me, and why don’t I fuss them, look how happy they are to see me and I don’t even say hello’. It’s all ‘in jest’ but feels just awful and I don’t know how to describe it

Evening time. Admittedly, we are both phone addicts and like to scroll social media and I like reading my Kindle. If I enter a room, he doesn’t look up from his phone.
if I start conversation, it gets met with a tone that’s not wanting to talk to me. If asked why he’s taking that tone, he will insist he isn’t taking any tone, and I’m the one getting upset . He will say he’s perfectly fine and ‘I’m talking to you, aren’t I?’

I just feel like there’s this weird fog hanging over us. I want to be loving and caring, understanding and kind, lenient and helpful. As a partnership. But he makes me feel sad, angry and a bit bitter

If he drinks a few alcoholic drinks, this either gets a lot worse (the non descriptive, strange aura), or, he is super chatty and happy. And it makes me feel so sad because I sit there and realise we wouldn’t be having this conversation if he wasn’t drinking

He moved offices 2 months ago and now only goes in once a week. He works from home in bed, and doesn’t really leave the house other than to walk the beagles. He is miserable but won’t admit this

In my experience if your needs aren’t being met, they’re not being met, put simply.

He sounds like he’s making little effort and then you start to analyse the small stuff. So no I don’t think you’re going mad, it sounds like he’s grumpy, hard work, and controlling the ‘weather’ in the house.

I don’t think you’re going mad. He seems grumpy, cold and not very affectionate but then gaslights you with ‘nothings wrong you’re creating a problem’ if you try and ask him what’s going on.

Im a firm believer in good communication. I would know instantly if my dh was being off with me and I’d ask him why. If he fannied around pretending there was no issue when there clearly was it would frustrate and probably exhaust me after a while.

I don’t really know how you can fix it other than telling him what you’ve said here. That you feel there’s a weird aura/atmosphere and if there’s anything bothering him you’d like to know. Not in an accusatory way, just calm and open. And if he still won’t let on then I really don’t know what you can do.

It’s horrible walking on eggshells either way and I wouldn’t be happy about it.

Crikey, this sounds awful. Im not sure i could live like this.

I feel from reading this that you're both creating this, not just him. It sounds as though you're hyper vigilant to his tone and facial expressions, and maybe he genuinely doesn't even realise he's doing it, so you pull him up on it and question and dissect his mannerisms, which makes him.even more defensive and 'off' and then you're both walking on eggshells around each other.

Have you tried ignoring his miserable aura and being your normal chirpy self, even in the moment of him being a bit non communicative? Faking it for a while to see if he responds and relaxes more to that. I don't mean walking round with a constant smile and a way too cheery, puppy dog manner 24/7, but maybe for an evening just prerend you haven't seen or heard anything wrong, just to see.

You both sound tired. How young / high needs are your boys? I’ve had short periods a bit like this in the baby days when there’s nothing left in the tank. But you have to recognise it and make an effort. But it only really works if you both do so.

My ex used to do this, his mood would just be grumpy face and responses reduced to a single syllable. I'd ask him what's wrong and he'd get even grumpier insisting nothing was wrong, if I continued to ask I'd be gaslit into thinking it was me and there was nothing wrong until 'I'd started'. It became so exhausting.

But I think what was actually going on is he was really unhappy and a bit depressed, but men either can't admit or maybe just comprehend these things about themselves, so just deny it. And then make us into the bad people. I'd sit down with him and reframe it a bit, tell him you're worried about him cos he doesn't seem himself and maybe he should talk to someone.

Don't get dragged into 'fixing' him though, you've enough on your plate with your boys without a man child too.

God that sounds like a really fucking miserable way to live, with a man like that. The first thing that came to me as how unhealthy his lifestyle is, working from home, not mixing with anyone and not even leaving his bed. Did he used to be as bad as this beforehand?

He sounds like a really nasty piece of work who is determined to suck any enjoyment out of your life. He feels miserable so he wants you to feel miserable.

There is a lot to dislike in what you've described but I think the worst might be that he works from home in bed. How suffocating. How can you bear it?

He's gaslighting and blame-shifting, both signs of emotional abuse.
You're not imagining his attitude towards you, but when you mention it, he denies it (this is why gaslighting makes you feel like you're going crazy - they deny the truth), and then he turns it onto you, that it's your fault you're now having an argument about his behaviour. It's absolutely classic.
I'd plan on leaving the relationship. It won't get better, and staying will destroy you, mentally. It's impossible to have a relationship with someone who changes the narrative of things that actually happened. You will spend the rest of your life and miserable and questioning your every thought.

I wonder if his thing about ‘the girls’ is actually a reflection of his own feelings/needs. He would like you to show him some attention, affection and be pleased to see him. But he deep down doesn’t feel worthy of that so (subconsciously) creates this strange atmosphere that pushes you away.
Just a thought.

Have you considered couples therapy?