Unhappy, but am I throwing things away?

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Me and DP have been together for 9 years and we have a 3 year old DD. DP works away Monday - Friday and also has occasional work trips lasting between 1-3 weeks ( 5-6 times a year).

He covers a good deal of the household bills which enables me to work part time (although full time for me just wouldn’t work due to him being away) but I just feel so deeply unhappy/resentful.

I feel resentful of the time he gets alone every night while I am here dealing with difficult bedtimes, nightly wake ups and of course typical 3yo tantrums/behaviour. Generally although yes he’s away, most days he’ll only work until 3/4pm so not like he’s working hard into the evenings.

I also feel like things just aren’t the same anymore. Some weekends it’s like he hates me, looks and speaks to me with such contempt and I have brought this up before and he just says that isn’t the case. We don’t laugh anymore, we barely have sex and to be honest I don’t even really want to.

I fully understand that he may well be feeling resentful of me for getting to spend more time with our DD and I know he misses her so much when he’s away, but he gets all the fun bits at a weekend, meanwhile I am here in the thick of the daily grind and I just don’t think he gets how exhausting I find it. Meanwhile I’m trying to work/sort childcare around him being away/last minute work trips. My life comes second fiddle to his.

I want to bring it all up but I know it will end up in an argument whereby nothing will be resolved and he will effectively put words in my mouth and think that he knows how I’m feeling/what I’m trying to say.

I'm actually at the point where I want to end things but I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m doing the wrong thing especially with regards to DD. She loves her Daddy very much and he’s an excellent father to her when he is home but while he will take on the bulk of the care/entertainment/fun stuff at weekends, I’m just left catching up on stuff that didn’t get done during the week or I'm working. But she deserves a stable home with 2 parents although as it stands it mainly me and her alone anyway.

I just don’t really know how to go about bringing all this up, and feel terrified for the upheaval this will bring both mentally/financially.

Please help a gal out!

Sounds like if you split life wouldn't be much different anyway x

No it wouldn’t really, I’m basically doing it alone most of the time!

I think having DD is what’s causing my hesitation….but as much as she deserves a stable home she also deserves a happy home.

I really just don’t know how to bring it all up.

Maybe try to chat with him again about the way he speaks to you and that you feel really unhappy because you don't get to do fun stuff with her because he is working away
For some people a Partner working away really works out and some people it strains the relationship

Why are you getting nightly wakeup and bedtime stress.

If you could sort those issues and get some decent sleep then you'd probably be happier

But realistically how would you be any better off without him, possibly looking after tge kid 7 days a week alone , having to up work hours to pay bills as there will be less income etc

OP would counselling be worth a shot? If not a hard conversation with him about your concerns and for him to air his, as he also sounds resentful.
I think a partner being away Monday to Friday would be a tall order for a lot of marriages and relationships.

A less drastic action would be him getting a new job so that he’s home every night. Would he be willing to do that?

Yes, would this be worth a try first? It sounds pretty joyless as it is 😢

Any suggestions on that?
DD is 3, wakes up most nights to come in with me and then is up for the day around 5am. She hasn’t always been like this, it’s only in the last 6 months or so - she used to be a 7pm - 7am sleeper. I’m just doing what I can to get through the week really.

Unfortunately this is not an option for us at the moment but there is a plan for this in a few years.
But honestly the thought of him being here every day and then still speaking to me with the same contempt I feel fills me with dread.

Of course it is an option. Women change jobs, roles, industries to accommodate their families all the time. It may be an option that he is not willing to consider, but that's a different thing.

He is in a military role, it’s not an option.

Does she not go back to sleep once she's in with you? As for 5am starts, I think i made it boring as hell for mine. A drink of water only, no talking, no tv no interaction. In reality not worth then getting up at that hour And a 3 year old us old enough to know to stay in bed. Groclocks help if unable to tell time.

I would split. The contempt he has for you is not something I could accept, nor should your daughter have to hear he dad talking down to their mom all the time when he is there. His contempt of you will only teach her that, as she is a girl, she is worth less and deserves to be treated like that.

When can he change jobs? I'm very opposed to whole families lives being dictated by 1 parents job.

Although, the military is more of a lifestyle and is often not great for children.

If you knew how his work would be before you had DD YABU. Having a child does change your relationship, you need to work out if you want to save it or not.

I wouldn’t avoid the difficult conversation because you don’t know what the outcome would be. At this stage you guys both have incentive to work at the marriage.

In order to get my DD to sleep till a decent time in the morning, I had to let her stay up till about 10pm. Some kids just don’t sleep that much! I know it ruins your rest time in the evening because your kid isn’t in bed, but if it gets you a decent sleep till 8am then you just have to put up with it.

Yes it is miserable when all the childcare has been dumped on you because DH insists on working in a demanding job and won’t change career. It makes you very angry and resentful because he isn’t doing his share. But I agree with others, you’d be worse off by leaving. The only thing that fixes it is time, because the child grows up and needs less care.

Would it be doable for you financially? Do you jointly own a home and is your income enough to sustain you and DD? You should get maintenance too of course, so put his salary into the government cms calculator to give you an idea. You can't share you life with someone who speaks ti you with contempt but sometimes it's worth sticking around for a bit until you are financially more comfortable.

He doesn't have to be in the military though. He's choosing to and you are facilitating it. Most parents can't just choose to have a job not allowing them be around for 5 days a week.

Agree that working in the nightly wake-ups and early rising would be a good place to start. Have you tried the No Cry Sleep Solution?

What also strikes me from your posts is that you don’t seem to have any time together doing stuff as a couple.

What time does he get home on the Friday? Could you all go out for a meal at one of those places with soft play?

Is your DD in Pre-School? If so you could get your jobs done in the week so that you have more down time at the weekends. She’s also old enough to help with the chores too. Little ones live things like loading the washing machine, pairing socks and sweeping floors.

Are you able to get a baby sitter so that you and your DP can go out somewhere and talk through hiw he talks to you and how it makes you feel, preferably without too much alcohol being involved?

And in sorry if this has been mentioned before but would moving to where he works he an option?

Before anything else you need to address the way he speaks to you. You say he looks at you as if he hates you and speaks to you with contempt. That is not acceptable and he is not a good father to your daughter if he is modelling this kind of behaviour. Everything else probably seems worse if he treating you this way.

You no longer want to be in this relationship regardless of where your DP is working

Have you worked out where you would live should you and DP split?

How much UC would you receive?

How much CM?

Would your rent be paid for you via benefits?

If you have a mortgage, how would that work?

Could you live on this ^ money?

Lots to reply to….but in summary

regards the sleep, I have tried everything…gro clock, blackout blinds, white noise, night light, later bedtimes, earlier bedtimes. We have a solid bedtime routine that’s been in place since DD was only a few months old, I think she is just an early riser but of course it makes me exhausted and amplifies things.

DD does go to nursery 2 days a week, one of these days I work, the other I sometimes work otherwise i use to catch up on housework etc.
I have some help from family but it’s not a regular thing.

Financially we own our home jointly and we would have to sell this if we separated. There is a good amount of equity in this which would mean I could possibly buy myself something smaller as I would have a decent deposit, i would have more than enough to rent somewhere and pay for 6-12months upfront.
While I only work part time I do earn a good salary but it would be hard for me to go full time without enlisting the help of family/friends for childcare as it’s shift work.
I don’t think I would entitled to any UC and unsure about CM.

It just feels like we live totally separate lives, and when he is home, there’s just no interest in me whatsoever. Doesn’t try and make much conversation, seems miserable and like he doesn’t want to be there. (This is only with me, he is completely happy when spending the time with DD, but I get short one word responses to anything I say) I’m only early 30’s…I think to myself is this what life will be like forever?

Time alone together is rare, except once DD in bed but we don’t go out. I find it hard to keep the balance of wanting to have family time, couple time and also time alone/with my own friends, and manage to fit that all into the weekend. Not to mention that a lot of the weekends I work too.

Counselling may be helpful, it worth looking at I think.

I’m an ex military wife, and I know what it’s like.

You currently have two problems, parenting alone most of the time and the way your husbands treats you.

I think there’s something about the type of men who join the military and the fact that it’s usually accepted that they have a Very Important Job. Also they are possibly working in a male dominated environment and all the toxic masculinity that engenders. I know when my ex spent extended time away he came back much more brash and blokey and misogynistic and swore more. I think over an extended period of time they get used to being ‘single’ in their time away and I know my ex got very entitled over having his own autonomy and not being accountable to me or family life.

The second problem is just the hard slog of parenting practically alone. Are there any practical solutions available? Can you work less hours, get more paid childcare, get a cleaner, outsource some chores? I know that not all these may be possible.

I think if you can find away to address the first problem, you may find once he starts treating you as his equal and partner (and not as an annoying subordinate) you will feel that you can tackle the second problem.

Please reach out to anyone and everyone you can, there are many organisations out there (although I don’t know of any military specific ones). A book I read was The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.

You are unhappy now, if nothing changes, you will stay unhappy.

Make a plan as if your are planning a military strategy to improve your relationship/marriage. If you give it your all, and nothing works or gets better, then you will be able to leave your marriage without any doubts or guilt.