have been around for years but changed my name for this as it is possibly very outing. It’s also very long but I would very much like some honest feedback.
I have always had a very very strained relationship with my parents. I can give a little background. My dad struggled with his MH and became reliant on drink. When drinking, he would become abusive to me and my brother. He was worse to me than he was my brother. He would call me stupid and immature. He would tease me about the way I looked and told me I would never find anyone to love me. He used to laugh at my phobias and put spiders in my bed on purpose. He threw things at me, pushed me downstairs, dragged me round the house by my hair. I would get the silent treatment for days when I did something wrong. I got locked in my bedroom and not allowed to have any light on. He smashed up precious belongings and ripped up my clothes. My mother never protected me. She always advocated for him and minimised what he did. She also palmed off looking after me and my brother to her sister. We spent most days after school and at weekends with her and my uncle. The only thing was that my uncle sexually abused me multiple times. I tried telling my mother but she told me never to say anything like that again. My mother was always emotionally closed off and whenever I was upset about anything, I was called ungrateful. I wasn’t allowed food unless she gave it to me and it would often be withheld as punishment. If I was given food and didn’t want to eat it, I would have it forced down my throat until I vomited. I would also get the silent treatment. She would lock me out of the house and not allow me in. She hit me hard when I wet the bed. She withheld sanitary towels from me and made me bleed all over myself. I could go on.
To the world they looked like model parents and, in all fairness, when they weren’t being awful, they could be quite nice.
Fast forward to 2 years ago when my dad died after quite a long battle with multiple illnesses that meant he spent a lot of time in hospital. During that time, I visited hospital almost every day (despite it being a 4 hr round trip for me and me having to take time off work often), I cooked meals for my mother, I arranged help and care for dad when he was allowed home. I did everything I could for them. And they were grateful. I was surprised.
However, now dad has gone, my mother has become cold and distant and is constantly telling me how useless I am as a daughter and how much everybody else helps her when I don’t. I live just over 2 hours away from her. I have 3 children and a full time job. I am constantly being told I don’t see her enough, yet I keep explaining that I can’t. I’d recently had enough and one day confronted her about how hard things have been for me and how she has never been there for me. She told me I was disgusting for saying this to someone who has just lost their husband. I told her how much I’ve suffered with my mental health and how the abuse had impacted my whole life and that I had been suicidal and she didn’t even acknowledge that I had spoken. I have stepped back from messaging and phoning her to check in and she has not called me once.
Would it be heartless of me to step back completely from her? I don’t think my mental health can take much more hurt. Or should I have some thought for the fact that she is widowed and struggling and really does miss my dad? How do I continue this relationship without it destroying me?