Should I feel so hurt about this? (quite long, sorry!)

[feelingivelostafriend]

I need to get this out of my system so here I am.

I have lived next to my neighbour for 2 years with my Dh and Dcs. She is a single mum and has had a few relationships. I felt that we were quite good friends, our children often played together (mostly in her garden). I asked her if she minded mine being over hers so much and she assured me it was fine. I have loked after her Ds for her on a few occasions whilst she went to the shops and once to her fathers funeral (when I took him to the zoo). We were able to see into her garden and I would often say hello and have a quick chat.

She now has a new man and over the weekend a new fence was put up between our gardens. What has upset me is that the only section that is 6 foot high is the small section where we could see each other and used to chat. The rest of the fence has trellis at the top but we can't easily see through because we have alot of shrubs on our side.

Am I being trivial that I feel that she has made a definite signal that she no longer wants this friendship?

We both work so we only really see each other when we are both in the garden hanging out washing etc. I enjoyed this feeling of connection with other people.

All the Dcs (including hers) are not very happy that they can no longer see each other. I am also upset that she didn't say anything to me about her plans. She hasn't spoken to or 'seen' me since. Plus we now have the remains of the old fence to dispose us as it has been left up on our side.

She probably didnt think about it in that much detail and realise the implications about not seeing you in the garden.
Why dont you knock on her door and say 'new fence looks lovely but i've missed chatting over the fence to you, shal we have a coffee one morning and catch up?' and see how it goes from there

Well, you're gaining an extra three inches of garden then.

Thankyou 2point that is a really good idea. TBH I haven't known what to say to her. What I really want to say is 'why did you choose the only part wheere we could chat to block off?' But I am not that brave, or confrontational.

Oooh now you've cheered me up because I love Hayley Mills films!

I have considered the extra garden we have gained, unfortunately we have also gained a very tatty and dangerous wire fence, an old 6ft panel and assorted rubbish (previously used to block holes) to dispose of.

I sound like the anti pollyanna today

I wouldn't read too much into it if I were you. He might have said that he would put up a new fence for her and then just got on with it. We have always lived in houses with gardens that have those 6 foot fences so I am used to them. One of my friends has just a picket fence between her and her neighbour's garden and I have always found it really strange that when I am at her house sitting on the patio having a good gossip and watching our children play and her neighbours (who she does get on with) are right there. Perhaps her boyfriend had never come across this either and just saw it as a job that needed to be done. Do what 2point4kids says.

Message withdrawn

This man can't have appeared in a week and erected a fence over the weekend, so I take it that he has been on the scene a few months? Before the fence was erected, did you feel that she was blanking you out, or was she as chatty as usual?

Boyfriend has been on the scene about 3 months. he has a vague job in antiques and is around alot. She is rarely there on her own. He is often there when she is at work.

I detected no change in our relationship before the fence. We are both quite bubbly, chatty people. It is true that between her relationships we talked more, often she needed emotional support which I happily gave her.

She is actually quite difficult to contact as she never hears her front door being knocked so we really onlsaw each other the back fence.

cod my rational brain knows you are right, but my emotional brain feels really hurt. I am trying to put it into perspective.

SC I hadn't considered that her BF might have found the situation odd. DH and I have felt he is a bit controlling and did it to block us out. But that is probably a massive overreaction.

apologies for typing errors DS3 is objecting to my mnetting!

I feel it is possible that she has a controlling new dp, to tell the truth. Some men like to alienate their women, and that's a fact (sorry for slagging this man off if it's not true ). I may be entirely wrong, but if there was no change in your relationship before the fence, I don't think she meant to block you out.

Hmm I have to say what littlewoman said crossed my mind too - Im guessing he put the fence up.

Im not a big one in pursuing friendships if I have to make all the effort - so personally I would let it go. She may just be the kind of person who only needs a friend as an emotional cruch between men, I wouldnt take it as a personal insult

It could be down to her new man, it could be nothing at all to do with you.

I do feel, however that it is up to her to dispose of the fence that has been left behind and I should ask her when she can come and take it away.

Agree with wombat about emotional crutch and doing all the work yourself.

I wouldn't take it personally, but I wouldn't knock myself out on her behalf either. Just see how it goes from here, perhaps? It wouldn't hurt, in a jokey manner, to say "how come the only tall bit of the fence is where we used to chat?" next time you see her. If she feels bad about it, it will give her chance to explain.

You are all right thankyou for your wise words.

I had originally decided to see when we next spoke and play it by ear.

I came on hear becuase I couldn't understand why I felt so sad and hurt. I have lots of lovely friends whom I see regularly. I also don't feel particularly to persue a friendship when all the effort is made by me. I guess I am just sad that I can see 2 years of friendship petering out.

Oh well, I will try to move on and remeber worse things happen at sea!

here

I don't feel particularly inclined to pusue

(I blame the baby)