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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I love him, but should I leave him?

5 replies

catlady9975 · 13/09/2025 16:23

My boyfriend and I (both 27) have been together for almost 8 years and lived together for 6. He's a very sweet guy and we have a lot of fun together when we spend time together. However, I've been feeling for the past couple of years or so that the relationship has changed and we don't spend much time together and he hasn't been very affectionate. It seems that he's been much more pessimistic and quick to anger and I believe a lot of it stems from frustrations at work. Three years ago my younger sibling died in an accident and I have worked very hard to be a happy, positive person to heal from the tragedy of this event so pessimism is hard to deal with.
We have also previously had issues about how he doesn't help around the house unless he's asked which makes me feel like a nag. He always assures me things will change and he will be more vigilant, and they do for a while, but inevitably it stops. I don't think this is malicious at all, I just think he's a naturally lazy and forgetful person despite being highly intelligent and successful. Normally, I can pick up the slack and do the cleaning and shopping even though I work full time and attend a Masters program. But this past year I've had some health challenges and my chronic pain has made it difficult for me to pick up the slack like usual. He's nice and helpful with this and will gladly go pick up medications or anything I may need. He does not pick up the slack for me around the house though, and even when I ask him to do dishes or change cat litter boxes once or twice a week he forgets until I ask multiple times. It has started to occur to me that maybe there would not be as much work for me around the house if I was the only one living in and making messes of the space. At the same time it's hard for me to imagine my life without him. He's the only romantic partner I have had and we genuinely have a great time together and love each other a lot. I know it sounds like a lot of bad, but the man I fell in love with is sweet and caring and goes out of his way for others. We've talked ad nauseam about it and I genuinely believe he wants to change his behavior, but I don't know if he can. It's just very hard for me because we still have fun together and I feel like I'm being too demanding or unreasonable.
Has anyone experienced something like this? I'm reading Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay and meeting with a counselor soon but I want to know what other women have experienced. Thanks!

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 13/09/2025 17:13

It always worries me when someone refers to their husband or boyfriend 'helping' around the house. It may just be a turn of phrase, but it portrays a situation where you are responsible for the house, and anything he does is 'helping' you. But he's a grown adult and is equally responsible for the house. A child 'helps' around the house. Or a visiting parent might 'help' when you've had a baby.

You say he's highly intelligent. But if so, how come he doesn't realise that houses need cleaning, clothes need washing, food needs cooking? Of course he knows those things need doing, but he's lazy and he wants you to do them all. He cares for his own time more than yours. Maybe it comes from a place of sexism and there's a part of him that thinks it's 'women's work' or that, somehow, it's more natural or easier for women to do housework. I used to know a man who honestly thought women just enjoyed it. So effectively while he was on bike rides his wife was pursuing her hobby of housework.

Whatever his reason for not pulling his weight, you know he's lazy, you know he's happy to watch you run yourself ragged while he does nothing, you know this won't improve... you shouldn't have to tell an adult that housework needs doing, but in your case, even when you do that he 'forgets'. And then you're accused of 'nagging' when you remind him.

He either isn't nearly as intelligent as you think he is, or he's simply selfish and lazy. Do you want a selfish and lazy partner? (And they get worse, not better usually. And they become insufferable if you have children).

You've probably never dated anyone else. Certainly never been serious with anyone else. Please don't think this is normal. A good, healthy relationship that will stand the test of time and make both people (and any future children) happy is one where both are equally respected, both pull their weight equally in terms of workload and looking after the relationship, and where each cares for the other and wants them to be happy.

WatchingTheDetective · 13/09/2025 17:23

There are two things - his anger and he laziness. Honestly, OP, you deserve so much better than this. It's terrifying living with someone who gets really angry. It's depressing living with someone who's really pessimistic. It's soul destroying living with someone who's lazy and entitled.

You could have a happy peaceful life without him. You can't have that with him.

Daleksatemyshed · 13/09/2025 17:27

If he's the only man you've been romantically involved with it's harder to see he's not as kind and giving as you first thought Op. If you look at the nice things he does they're more one offs, it's the routine day to day chores he avoids. You're already seeing this, do you want to spend the rest of your life doing all the things this lazy arse can't be bothered with? He's shown you he won't step up when you're ill, that's a red flag @catlady9975

LaundryGarden · 13/09/2025 17:31

He’s awful, OP. You lost your sister and you’re reinventing your life in the aftermath of a bereavement. There’s more to life than this. There’s more to relationships. Be single and relish your life for a while, then, if you want to, find someone better.

Endofyear · 13/09/2025 22:09

I would stop putting your energies into trying to change him - he's not going to change, this is who he is. It's not ok for him to leave the housework to you, nor to be irritable or quick to anger. His pessimism will continue to drag you down. You don't have to stay in a relationship that is not working for you - I think you know that you don't want to stay in this relationship forever and are just dithering and putting off the inevitable.

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