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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel sick

14 replies

Headache44 · 13/09/2025 16:22

Been married 25 years, not getting on for a while for lots of reasons. A lot due to the fact that H didn't support me when I was very ill.

Haven't slept together for 5 years, separate rooms etc.
Have caught H messaging a so called friend which was when sex finished.
Found viagra which he denies taking.

I know he looks at porn and looks at Facebook pages where the women have huge boobs etc.

Walked into the 2nd lounge today at 2pm. He was looking at disgusting photos on his pc. He physically jumped and clicked off the page.

I just stared and said "you alright there?" And looked at the pc.

The thing that makes this worse is our 19 year DD was in the house and that could have been her walking in.

i feel so sick, he has gone out but I need to say something when he gets home. Am I overreacting? I feel so sick 🤢

OP posts:
Shortdaysalready · 13/09/2025 16:30

I would be disgusted too OP.
I think you need to sit down and talk about where your marriage is going .
He obviously wants sex but isn't approaching you for it. I think you need to talk openly about whether your marriage is worth saving.

SoManyTshirts · 13/09/2025 16:30

Yes, you’re over-reacting. As you aren’t together sexually, it’s none of your business what (consenting adults) he looks at. Your daughter wasn’t in the same room, and if she is 19 she must know you don’t snoop on other people’s online activity.

Mancity08 · 13/09/2025 16:35

SoManyTshirts

hardly think op was snooping ! She walked into the lounge where dh openly had the PC open on this page

Original poster
Headache44 · 13/09/2025 16:42

SoManyTshirts · 13/09/2025 16:30

Yes, you’re over-reacting. As you aren’t together sexually, it’s none of your business what (consenting adults) he looks at. Your daughter wasn’t in the same room, and if she is 19 she must know you don’t snoop on other people’s online activity.

Are you joking? We have 2 living rooms and his pc is in one of them. He had the tv on, I was hardly snooping.

If he was in his bedroom with door shut I would have knocked before entering. Not in our family tv room!

OP posts:
Original poster
Headache44 · 13/09/2025 18:01

Shortdaysalready · 13/09/2025 16:30

I would be disgusted too OP.
I think you need to sit down and talk about where your marriage is going .
He obviously wants sex but isn't approaching you for it. I think you need to talk openly about whether your marriage is worth saving.

We both know it's not worth saving. On my part especially I can't move on. He is emotionally abusive.

We were jogging along ok but now I found him disgusting

OP posts:
Shortdaysalready · 13/09/2025 18:09

SoManyTshirts · 13/09/2025 16:30

Yes, you’re over-reacting. As you aren’t together sexually, it’s none of your business what (consenting adults) he looks at. Your daughter wasn’t in the same room, and if she is 19 she must know you don’t snoop on other people’s online activity.

Watching porn in the lounge is hardly doing it in private. Any one could, and did ,walk in.
Porn is a boundary in a lot of relationships, quite rightly. Whether they are having sex or not OP.is his wife, the woman he took vows to. So it is her business if he is watching porn.
She can't stop him watching it but she can make the decision it's not acceptable in her marriage and end the marriage.

Yamamm · 13/09/2025 18:34

Well he’s not going to feel guilty and that he has to make it up to you. Your marriage is dead so time to move on For both of you.

You can try and score points and win some kind of moral victory but it won’t be productive. Let him move on and don’t attack him for wanting sex. What are the practicalities? Why haven’t you already separated?

Original poster
Headache44 · 13/09/2025 18:46

Yamamm · 13/09/2025 18:34

Well he’s not going to feel guilty and that he has to make it up to you. Your marriage is dead so time to move on For both of you.

You can try and score points and win some kind of moral victory but it won’t be productive. Let him move on and don’t attack him for wanting sex. What are the practicalities? Why haven’t you already separated?

Well I think he should feel guilty because our DD could have walked in and see what he was looking at!

As I said if he was in his room, with the door shut then I would t give a toss!

There are a number of reasons we aren't separating just yet. I just think that at 2pm in the family tv room is not the right place for him to be doing that.

He could have gone to the bathroom ffs

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 13/09/2025 18:50

Why are you continuing in this relationship? Genuine question.

Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 13/09/2025 18:53

When me and exh were still living together I slept in another room. I went into the bedroom where my clothes still were and he was wanking onto my fucking new pj's!! I waited until the crucial point then asked wtf he was doing.. Could have been a dc who walked in and my fucking pj's! Binned them and thankfully moved out soon after. Lack of respect..
Same for you op. Lack of respect for your family and family home.

Slimagain · 13/09/2025 19:02

He wants sex and you don’t by the sound of it.. if I’m wrong then happy to be corrected.. what DO you want ?

Original poster
Headache44 · 13/09/2025 19:12

To divorce him

Im putting things in place to do that, but it will take time

OP posts:
Mumptynumpty · 13/09/2025 19:30

Do you think he wanted to be caught, knowing what your reaction might be? Also perhaps knowing there is nothing you can do about it? Asserting misogynistic boundaries and rubbing your nose in that he has "options"? Yuck.

Despite what others have said it isn't ok to view porn in shared spaces at home regardless of whether you're having sex or not. I doubt they would tolerate the impact this would have on their children being exposed to their father's peccadillo at home , adult or not.

Just keep on with your plans and move on as fast as you are able.

Original poster
Headache44 · 13/09/2025 20:21

Mumptynumpty · 13/09/2025 19:30

Do you think he wanted to be caught, knowing what your reaction might be? Also perhaps knowing there is nothing you can do about it? Asserting misogynistic boundaries and rubbing your nose in that he has "options"? Yuck.

Despite what others have said it isn't ok to view porn in shared spaces at home regardless of whether you're having sex or not. I doubt they would tolerate the impact this would have on their children being exposed to their father's peccadillo at home , adult or not.

Just keep on with your plans and move on as fast as you are able.

No I do t think so, he really jumped.

He has just come home, I said "you shouldn't be looking at stuff like that, our DD could have walked in"

He said it was a WhatsApp that his friend had sent him. Said he agreed and apologised.... so at least it won't happen again.

But the sooner I get out of this the better.

OP posts:
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