Toxic parent or just ‘different times’ ?

[DoreenCorkhill]

So a mother with frequent mood changes lots of egg shell walking for children .
Never knowing what mood she would be in or what would trigger a row
Worked but children left to own devices Latch key kids aged 5&10 .
Low paid jobs ‘but would have had a career that soared if not for the children’
Multiple friendships which were intense then always petered out due to some perceived slight and were then never spoken of again .
Highly critical of children
Aspirational and materially did very well but social relationships always curated eg joining golf club and taking up sailing to mix in certain groups
Comments about physical appearance ‘Your legs are too thick to be a dancer’
Negative around life aspirations ’You may be clever but your house will be filthy’
‘University ? Huh think not ‘
Made fun of and embarrassed when friends visited as a teen
Hounded boyfriends off the premises - both sis and I
No privacy -went through handbag aged 19 no idea why looking for drugs or contraceptives ?
Interestingly we both left home as soon as we could sis to travel and I got away with no parental support to uni
Took no part in organising sisters wedding or interest in it but attended and then claimed ‘she made it a success’
Continued throughout adult life to attempt to control .
Low emotional warmth.
Never knowing what might offend for example Christmas present wrapped in ‘cheap paper’ was enough for phone to be slammed down .
Just a few examples that came to light when discussing with sibling recently
Toxic parent or just different times ?
Now in our 40s & 50s my sister and I have different opinions .
Lots of mind clearing going on just now for me and a feel it was toxic sis thinks ‘it was like that for everyone in the 1970s ‘
Interested in others thoughts .
We’re both fine btw fully rounded successful women happy lives and relationships .

She sounds like a narcissist.

Benign neglect would be “different times”.

Active cruelty, mockery etc. isn’t.

Im going to say a mix.

Latch key kids were very common and not viewed how it woukd be now. I was one too. I actually think criticism of looks was more common too. I also think the culture around boyfriends was stricter.

But i dont think all the emotional eggshells, wrong wrapping paper, lack of privavcy, control or blaming your children for a lack of career was standad.

Definitely six of one, half a dozen of the other. It was easier to disguise toxic behaviours back then.

It doesn’t sound good. Some toxicity there and horrible behaviours. But life isn’t easy for anyone. As a mother of 10+ years I regret so many things I’ve done and how I’ve handled lots of situations. I can’t say I’ve always done things how I wish I had. Life is a constant juggling act.

If she managed to raise two nice, generally happy, successful and stable girls then it can’t have been all bad. Perhaps there were moments and phases of shitty parenting. But life is complicated. I had two wonderful, doting, sensible parents and there are still things I find questionable about my upbringing. Perhaps that’s just normal to an extent. But therapy would be a good idea to talk it through properly if it feels heavy on your mind.

Not necessarily. I’m a fairly decent, functioning, stable , happy adult despite my mother, not because of her!