Grrr....really disappointed on way my ante/postnatal group have turned out.....

[flaminfedup]

Joined an ante/postnatal group before ds was born as I am new to the area and DP doesn't yet have any friends who have kids. I was really looking forward to making some new friends and building up a bit of a social life.

The problem is, and I am aware of how this is going to sound, I seem to be the only 'ordinary' person in the group! Myself and DP are thirtysomething professionals (not high earners). Neither of us have had any help or advantages in life and life is a bit of a struggle.

The others in this group are all mega wealthy, they are quite pleasant and do try to include me but that just makes me feel even worse!!!!

Most of these women are SAHM's who have moved to the area (most seemingly from London)I am in, seem to have such sheltered lives and yes I suppose I am resentful, as they don't seem to have any idea what it is like to be an 'ordinary' working mum and I have put them into the category of people who have bought up all the nicest houses having sold up in London.

Feel fed up and annoyed that I have missed the best opportunity to meet new people/mums. Where are all the ordinary7 mums!!!

I did nct antenatal classes when preg with ds1, me and husband were ordinary early 20's. All the other mums more in thier 30's I think one in late 20's anyway they all seemed more mature than me. All the woman professionals and I wasnt although husband was. They all lived in lovely big houses compared to our flat. However they were lovely and became really good friends and we all meet up regularly. A couple of years later my huband left me with toddler, newborn no job no money as he emptied our savings account. My nct friends were brilliant and really supported me. A couple of them even offered me money, which was lovely but I kindly refused as my mum and dad were helping out. Several years down the line they are still good friends, Im still skint they still rich compared to me but that doesnt matter we are friends and we have supported each other through various things. Give them a chance, you might be surprised

my nct class was full of people quite different to me too.
on first impression i thought i would get on least with the 'hippy' couple as we had nothing in common it seemed. 3 years later we are still close friends despite now living 100 miles apart!

Perhaps you should try some Toddler groups near you? Or Baby Massage- if it's offered- is a good way to meet mums with same-age kids.

Whereabouts are you?

But you are all mums - i think from your post you are trying too hard to categorise

you say they are trying to include you so am not sure what the issue is

you don't know that they haven't struggled etc or what else they may have faced

just try to relax about it, IMO

have you had your babies yet? if not, then you might find that once you do and you are all at home doing exactly the same things with the same worries etc that any other boundaries will be not so noticeable!

Yes, IME the ordinary parents are to be found at playgroups. Are you working now? Can you get out in the day? If you're working and ds is at nursery, then parents there will be in the same boat as you.

maybe you should lower your standards

in all seriousness!!

I have a great group of friends most of whom are a lot wealthier than i am, some work, some don't, some have been sheltered, others not so much

I wonder if we expect too much from such groups too, given that the only thing that made us join them in the first place is the fact that we were having babies - we don't necessarily have anything else in common.

I didn't have much luck with antenatal/postnatal groups either. Either the mothers were 15 years younger than me and thought me the height of old fartdoom (I was only 33!) or the ones more my age had huge extended families and didn't need more friends or they went back to work.

The way I ended up making friends was through toddler groups. Try a few and see which one you like best. You probably won't instanteously have a new group of best friends but you if you keep at it, it will come in the end.

tbh I think that it doesn't matter how different these other women are - you are all mothers/mothers to be and you should let them include you like they are trying too. Why the issue? They have more money than you. So what?
I have a group of friends who are mostly all older and wealthier than me but they are lovely and we get on well so it just isn't an issue.

tbh I think that it doesn't matter how different these other women are - you are all mothers/mothers to be and you should let them include you like they are trying to. Why the issue? They have more money than you. So what?
I have a group of friends who are mostly all older and wealthier than me but they are lovely and we get on well so it just isn't an issue.

second post was because I noticed I had put an extra o on to and tried to correct it

talk about judgemental!

they're making an effort, you should reciprocate. don't jump to conclusions about their lives. when you get to know them better you might find that they've had hard lives too (yes, we should all have a really crap time.)

but ultimately you should go to other groups anyway. broaden your horizons a bit.

I found that I only clicked with my fellow NCT mums once the babies had arrived. During the classes there is lots of stuff going on and the men being awkward. When the babies came and we were alone at home we started to meet up weekly and it was a real life line and they became good friends - even the ones that seemed of a very different social group.

I found it got a lot easier to become friends once the babies were there to entertain us. Lots of Mums very different from me with quite different backgrounds, but I found that quite liberating, seeing that we still had so much in common, being Mums. We haven't all become bosom friends, but we still know each other well enough to stop and chat in the playground 11 years later- I think that's good enough!

Warthog et al the thing is I know I am being judgemental, and it says a lot more about me than the others in the group. Its just really hard to be struggling (to have always struggled) and now to struggle again in making friends because all the mums who I could relate to are living a completely different type of life to mine.

But I just don't have anything in common with these people, I haven't been to the best public schools, had homes where the gardens are half an acre, had mum and dad set me up in my fisrt home etc etc. The fact is that is a completely different life to mine and having a child hasn't changed that.

The idea about toddler groups is good, unfortunately the days they have them in our town are 2 of the 3 days I work. I think it might be worth changing the days i work perhaps as I really do feel quite isolated nd a bit lonely sometimes .

bet it'll all change when the babies come, babies being sick on you at 3am are a great leveller and I reckon EVERYONE has that same 4am childcare argument with their boyfriend/husband regardless of how privileged they might seem! (please tell me they everyone else has this 'discussion' in the middle of the night?)

I think it's a bit like when you go to university/college - join every club/group you can and then you'll find out what you like, you'll meet loads of people, some you won't get on with and will studiously avoid but you'll always meet some people you really like.

Totally biased note, when you have the baby try something a bit different like Buggyfit (outdoor mum and baby fitness) it's GREAT for meeting people (I just happen to be the local Buggyfit instructor) and money doesn't make you sweat any less when you're power walking up the hill or on your second set of lunges.....

So you only want to make friends with "normal" people like yourself? Your post sounds like reverse snobbery to me. Sorry but if you look past the whole class thing you may find that you can actually get on with these women.

flaminfedup, i think you may be pleasantly surprised.

i can understand where you're coming from, but i think you also have to let go of the chip on your shoulder. some mums may be like you think they are, but i'll be willing to bet that a few are really lovely people, well worth getting to know and will be lifesavers for you over the next couple of years.