I experienced huge traumas for a very very long time. It has deeply affected me and affects how I conduct myself in relationships. As a consequence I am quite detached in a lot of ways but a control freak in others.
For example, I made the decision alone that we needed as a family to make the move from S England to N England as I felt I absolutely had to get away from my family and any areas I had a bad association with for my MH. My DH totally supported me and understood, has been nothing but kind and supportive.
When I changed my mind about being a sahm he was supportive and I’ve ended up working so many hours I think sadly to just be out of the house as much as possible. Not to avoid him or dc but to avoid interactions and relationships as I find I can only cope in small amounts to be the best wife and mother I can and I quickly get fatigued. As if I put pressure on myself to only be present with the people I love when I can be 100% perfect? I feel like if I plan perfect moments and then avoid unplanned ones I won’t let anyone down .
But also I’m a massive control freak. About small little things and also bigger things. I struggle a lot. I think I come across as power mad and controlling but I feel this desperate need to have safety and to me it feels like controlling everything brings me that safety (trauma response?)
I have fears around abandonment so although I’m not home that much due to work when I am home I think I’m really suffocating to be around. I can’t get the balance right.
I have a therapist and have done for years but I don’t feel it helps me change more just lets me have a safe space to offload? Dh says no need to change it’s not expected because he knows what I’ve been through . His family say I’m too much for him that I expect too much from him and my long work hours mean that he rarely sees them as he is with the dc or at work himself and that I’ve created an isolating life for him moving across the country because I was running away from my past and problems rather than dealing with them . I know they’ve offered him the chance to move back down if he wanted it and help with separation/divorce/him having the dc their reasoning was they were worried he was in a toxic relationship (which I did take on board and tried to self reflect was that the case and took that to joint therapy sessions to explore as I didnt want to jump immediately to defensiveness I wanted to consider what they had said about me). It sounds like things are bad but we do actually have a close and happy marriage it’s just I feel I am very detached and avoidant through fear of being hurt still even though it’s obvious he wouldn’t do that.
Where do I go from here ? Is it worth changing therapist I wondering are they holding me back as tell me to accept myself how i am? not to be constantly trying to change as the trauma damage cant be made to disappear? they say im doing well but i often feel like im not ?
I would really appreciate some advice