Sons and wives/partners

Shinysparklysquirrel · 2025-09-12T23:04:32+00:00

I have two boys, early twenties. At some point they'll have partners. And maybe they'll have children. Just wondering how other mums of boys get on with their partners, especially if they have children. I have lovely PIL but I obviously have a closer relationship with my own parents. My mum and dad could drop in anytime but I don't feel as relaxed about my PIL dropping in unannounced. That could be because the house is normally a mess and my parents wouldn't judge. I don't really think my PIL would, it's probably because my partner feels it's all got to be tidy. I suppose I'm worried about not having a close relationship with future grandchildren as I don't feel like I could drop in without their partner feeling stressed... Which I wouldn't want them to be.

Original poster

Shinysparklysquirrel · 13/09/2025 00:07

Just to add. I can go to my PIL and I feel so at home...I can go and make a drink for myself and everyone else etc without being asked

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CharmCharmCharm · 13/09/2025 00:11

I have sons too and we are really close but I know what you’re worrying about. My own mother wasn’t great so I don’t have the typical bond with her but I recognise in friends how strong the mother / daughter bond is, especially when women have children of their own.

I wouldn’t want to put my dc in the position of trying to compete to be the family they spend time with at holidays etc but I hope they both meet nice girls and we still get a look in when they have families of their own!

Original poster

Shinysparklysquirrel · 13/09/2025 00:16

Aw, I think that's it. That we still get as look in.

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Original poster

Shinysparklysquirrel · 13/09/2025 00:19

Totally understand about not putting them under pressure about holidays etc. I'd be happy with whatever they wanted to do. And like you, I hope they meet nice girls. 🙂

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Bufftailed · 13/09/2025 00:28

I have one teen son and worry about this. You don’t mention your DP’s relationship with his parents? Are they close?

My own mum has good advice - don’t look too far in the future, you never know how things will unfold. I do wonder though if my son was very happy but I saw them less if I would be ok with it. They could live far away or meet a partner very late/ not have children/ have a partner who has no family. The possibilities are endless. Best not pin too much on being too involved!!

Original poster

Shinysparklysquirrel · 13/09/2025 00:29

Sorry your Mum wasn't great but it sounds like you have a lovely bond with your boys❤️

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Original poster

Shinysparklysquirrel · 13/09/2025 00:30

Bufftailed · 13/09/2025 00:28

I have one teen son and worry about this. You don’t mention your DP’s relationship with his parents? Are they close?

My own mum has good advice - don’t look too far in the future, you never know how things will unfold. I do wonder though if my son was very happy but I saw them less if I would be ok with it. They could live far away or meet a partner very late/ not have children/ have a partner who has no family. The possibilities are endless. Best not pin too much on being too involved!!

See above post ❤️

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Original poster

Shinysparklysquirrel · 13/09/2025 00:32

Bufftailed · 13/09/2025 00:28

I have one teen son and worry about this. You don’t mention your DP’s relationship with his parents? Are they close?

My own mum has good advice - don’t look too far in the future, you never know how things will unfold. I do wonder though if my son was very happy but I saw them less if I would be ok with it. They could live far away or meet a partner very late/ not have children/ have a partner who has no family. The possibilities are endless. Best not pin too much on being too involved!!

Sorry, getting used to quoting. Sorry your Mum wasn't great, but you sound like a lovely Mum to your boys ❤️

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Original poster

Shinysparklysquirrel · 13/09/2025 00:33

Oh my goodness, still not getting the quote thing right!!

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PinkFlloyd · 13/09/2025 02:26

I have two DSs, one aged 30, the other early twenties. I'd say I'm quite close to both and their partners. My MIL embodied the stereotype. The only purpose she ever served was as a guide on how not to be. It's served me well.
DS1 is married with a baby. I adore DIL. She is an only child and is very close to her own DM. I never tried to act like her DM. There is room in their lives for everyone. I meet up with DIL and GD every week for lunch. I love this time spent with the two of them together.
DS1 and DIL are childhood sweethearts, and although they're only 30, they have been a couple for fourteen years. They bought a house less than a mile away so I figure I can't be too bad. I'd never have coped living that close to my MIL
DS21
has also been with his partner since school. She moved in with us around six months ago. She had an awful childhood (most living with her GP) and would have been in rented accommodation if I hadn't invited her into our home.
She refers to me as the DM she wished she'd had. I treat her as an adult. I also gently try to get her to see what we all see in her. She is bright, artistic, generous, hardworking and loyal, amongst many other lovely traits. Her own family seem intent on beating any confidence out of her and making her life more difficult. I don't tell her they're monsters (although I think it), I try to get her to trust her own judgement and not to put her happiness in their pockets. She has a DB and Dsis who are testament to the ongoing toxicity of her DPs. Some of her DM's actions are cruel, especially around events like Birthdays and Christmas. I try to gently chip away at the effects that has obviously had on her, giving her space whilst being supportive.
I think the most important part of maintaining the relationships is that I don't blindly side with my DSs. I try to be fair and not act like their DM. I do feel fortunate DSs chose partners I have grown to love.

Samu12 · 13/09/2025 02:28

I'm looking for a series relationship

PinkFlloyd · 13/09/2025 02:49

Also... We all have a meal out twice a month and have at least a week away altogether each year that I pay for. DD is leaving for university today. We already have plans to all visit for her birthday.
I work quite hard getting us all together regularly. It takes a concerted effort with DH and their busy work schedules.

MindfulAndDemure · 13/09/2025 07:59

PinkFlloyd · 13/09/2025 02:26

I have two DSs, one aged 30, the other early twenties. I'd say I'm quite close to both and their partners. My MIL embodied the stereotype. The only purpose she ever served was as a guide on how not to be. It's served me well.
DS1 is married with a baby. I adore DIL. She is an only child and is very close to her own DM. I never tried to act like her DM. There is room in their lives for everyone. I meet up with DIL and GD every week for lunch. I love this time spent with the two of them together.
DS1 and DIL are childhood sweethearts, and although they're only 30, they have been a couple for fourteen years. They bought a house less than a mile away so I figure I can't be too bad. I'd never have coped living that close to my MIL
DS21
has also been with his partner since school. She moved in with us around six months ago. She had an awful childhood (most living with her GP) and would have been in rented accommodation if I hadn't invited her into our home.
She refers to me as the DM she wished she'd had. I treat her as an adult. I also gently try to get her to see what we all see in her. She is bright, artistic, generous, hardworking and loyal, amongst many other lovely traits. Her own family seem intent on beating any confidence out of her and making her life more difficult. I don't tell her they're monsters (although I think it), I try to get her to trust her own judgement and not to put her happiness in their pockets. She has a DB and Dsis who are testament to the ongoing toxicity of her DPs. Some of her DM's actions are cruel, especially around events like Birthdays and Christmas. I try to gently chip away at the effects that has obviously had on her, giving her space whilst being supportive.
I think the most important part of maintaining the relationships is that I don't blindly side with my DSs. I try to be fair and not act like their DM. I do feel fortunate DSs chose partners I have grown to love.

You sound so lovely ❤️

Dryshampoofordays · 13/09/2025 08:08

I am the dil and have to say my dh’s family are wonderful. I found them overbearing at first - they are so supportive it was unsettling for me in comparison to my own family! (I never said anything of to them of course but have talked through my feelings with my dh who is understanding and tactful)

But I have come to let go of the comparisons and be thankful for them and the role they play in all our lives especially our children. I’m very grateful for them and do try to be a good dil in return.