How to approach my wife without triggering her traumas

Believeinyourself13 · 2025-09-12T18:49:28+00:00

hello, I’ll try to Keep it short. I’ve been married for over 12 years love my wife my kids. However, I know I’m not the perfect husband or father I want to be. Lately I’m have been working on my mental health. And I have discovered that my marriage and also me carry a lots of resentment. We had our big and small fights. But lately since I started on this journey of self discovery and inner healing. I have some type of resentment towards my wife. She had a really bad previous relationship with her ex. On top of that daddy issues that she hasn’t worked on and she has mentioned that as long I don’t do nothing to trigger her. Those traumas doesn’t affect the relationship, I said they do. My issue whenever I try to talk to her about what I feel and what she makes me feel. If it doesn’t make sense to her or it seems I’ve been asking for much, or I don’t understand her. She won’t validate anything I said and not really care about hearing me out. Lately I’ve been trying so hard not to dump all this feelings into her to avoid a fight. Overall, she is a good wife. But I also want to be heard and understood not just her but I can’t say that because she will say what about me!! I do try I’m trying every time. But I’m on my last resort here so any good advice. Talk about Cry me a river lol hate and productive comments are welcome. Thank you for your time

TY78910 · 12/09/2025 19:53

You need a couples counsellor, someone to mediate and give you both space to share your feelings. You can’t successfully do that alone after 12 years of marriage because both of you will have their backs up going in to any sort of conversation

As a side note, daddy issues isn’t the best term. It’s minimising and mostly associated with dim girls

Rosesfornoses · 12/09/2025 20:13

@TY78910 I dislike invoking parents in general. Mumsnet loves to blame other women for faults in their husbands/partners. The term Mummy’s Boy is one of the commonest insults on MN. As you write, it is such a distasteful expression. So sexist. Yet I see it so frequently on MN. I hope it is recognised as old fashioned woman blaming and disappears.
OP, keep talking to your wife or persuade her to see a counsellor with you. Good luck.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/09/2025 20:19

Journeys of healing and self-discovery are all very well. But they are conducted on the timescale of ONE person, not two. And you were ready. She may not be. Rewriting your whole relationship and wanting her to ‘fit’ with the new you, when she had the old one for 12 years is wildly unfair.

Also, part of your journey should be realising that no one ‘makes’ you feel anything. You need to take responsibility for your own emotions. If you were dysfunctional before, chances are her dysfunction and yours worked on some level. That’s not her fault.

What kinds of issues do you want to have her ‘hear out’ and ‘validate’?

Mumptynumpty · 12/09/2025 22:56

What I'm hearing is you want to be thought to be caring and considerate but it's also all about you, your wants, your validation, your journey.

A journey of self discovery and healing (whatever that means) is about you. For you. By you.

You admit you've not been the perfect husband or father but your journey hasn't included any element of how that fact may have impacted your wife and children. What responsibility you have shouldered and how committed you are to meaningfully changing that ... regardless of anything from your wife. THAT is key. Self discovery isn't about anyone else.

Your post reads that your using your "journey" as a stick to beat your wife into compliance. I would suggest this is not the first time.

Original poster

Believeinyourself13 · 12/09/2025 23:13

TY78910 · 12/09/2025 19:53

You need a couples counsellor, someone to mediate and give you both space to share your feelings. You can’t successfully do that alone after 12 years of marriage because both of you will have their backs up going in to any sort of conversation

As a side note, daddy issues isn’t the best term. It’s minimising and mostly associated with dim girls

Thank you for your advice! Noted about the daddy issues. I will correct that term. It will definitely help seeking a couples counseling

OP posts:

Original poster

Believeinyourself13 · 12/09/2025 23:16

Rosesfornoses · 12/09/2025 20:13

@TY78910 I dislike invoking parents in general. Mumsnet loves to blame other women for faults in their husbands/partners. The term Mummy’s Boy is one of the commonest insults on MN. As you write, it is such a distasteful expression. So sexist. Yet I see it so frequently on MN. I hope it is recognised as old fashioned woman blaming and disappears.
OP, keep talking to your wife or persuade her to see a counsellor with you. Good luck.

Thank you for your advice! I’ll definitely try, like i said she is a really good person and I love her that’s why I’m willing to try anything.

OP posts:

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 12/09/2025 23:23

You need to be really clear with her. Pick a time when she's relaxed but not too tired and the kids are in bed or at school/childcare. Tell her you have some things you want to share and you'd like her to just listen and validate and keep the focus on you until you've got it all out. Ask her to summarise what she's heard and understood. Use 'i' statements to own your feelings/perspective, don't say things like "you make me feel" (as you said in your OP) as this will immediately trigger defensiveness. Think about the specific outcome you want from her before you start the conversation. Crucially, you should then offer her the same ie listen carefully to her thoughts and feelings about whatever you've shared and whatever else she wants to bring up, and be prepared to compromise and negotatiate re whatever outcomes she wants from you.

Original poster

Believeinyourself13 · 12/09/2025 23:25

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/09/2025 20:19

Journeys of healing and self-discovery are all very well. But they are conducted on the timescale of ONE person, not two. And you were ready. She may not be. Rewriting your whole relationship and wanting her to ‘fit’ with the new you, when she had the old one for 12 years is wildly unfair.

Also, part of your journey should be realising that no one ‘makes’ you feel anything. You need to take responsibility for your own emotions. If you were dysfunctional before, chances are her dysfunction and yours worked on some level. That’s not her fault.

What kinds of issues do you want to have her ‘hear out’ and ‘validate’?

Thank you for your time and your input. I agreed It’s a definitely a one person journey. You made a very valid point of dealing with old me to the new me. I guess all I’m looking for is for her is to join me on this trip. But I guess my best approach will have to be to take one day a the time. And if she ready she is. What I want for her to hear is not to be mean or sharps on her words when she is mad I don’t do that to her when I’m upset I just walk away so I don’t say something I’ll regret or make the discussion bigger but she doesn’t like when I walk away. But I’ll definitely keep trying to find the best way possible. I love her and on the process keeep working on my self. Thank you ones again !

OP posts:

Original poster

Believeinyourself13 · 13/09/2025 00:33

Mumptynumpty · 12/09/2025 22:56

What I'm hearing is you want to be thought to be caring and considerate but it's also all about you, your wants, your validation, your journey.

A journey of self discovery and healing (whatever that means) is about you. For you. By you.

You admit you've not been the perfect husband or father but your journey hasn't included any element of how that fact may have impacted your wife and children. What responsibility you have shouldered and how committed you are to meaningfully changing that ... regardless of anything from your wife. THAT is key. Self discovery isn't about anyone else.

Your post reads that your using your "journey" as a stick to beat your wife into compliance. I would suggest this is not the first time.

Thank you for your time and advice. When you are married both needs to be heard, validated and communicated your needs. I believe seeking help or other suggestions definitely helps. When it comes to husband and father or wife and mother. we all need some help along the way no one is perfect. Also about your last comment about the stick or how you described it. With all respect. Sorry if you when throw something harsh that’s what I get from that comment. I love my wife and my kids and like I said I’m doing everything on my power to be a better husband for her she is amazing. Thank you for your time and advice

OP posts:

Original poster

Believeinyourself13 · 13/09/2025 00:41

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 12/09/2025 23:23

You need to be really clear with her. Pick a time when she's relaxed but not too tired and the kids are in bed or at school/childcare. Tell her you have some things you want to share and you'd like her to just listen and validate and keep the focus on you until you've got it all out. Ask her to summarise what she's heard and understood. Use 'i' statements to own your feelings/perspective, don't say things like "you make me feel" (as you said in your OP) as this will immediately trigger defensiveness. Think about the specific outcome you want from her before you start the conversation. Crucially, you should then offer her the same ie listen carefully to her thoughts and feelings about whatever you've shared and whatever else she wants to bring up, and be prepared to compromise and negotatiate re whatever outcomes she wants from you.

Wow, that’s is a really good advice thank so much also for your time. I’ll definitely be doing that. I’m open minded to compromise and to hear her out. She is my everything and I know she loves me too. There is no better way for a relationship to work then to have a good communication. I know is not perfect all the time but seeking outside input helps a lot thank you

OP posts:

OCDmama · 13/09/2025 09:32

You sound self obsessed and insufferable.

You want your wife to sit there and listen to your lectures on self discovery and then 'validate' your every vain little thought. If she doesn't do what you want you walk away.

Urgh.

Mischance · 13/09/2025 09:47

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/09/2025 20:19

Journeys of healing and self-discovery are all very well. But they are conducted on the timescale of ONE person, not two. And you were ready. She may not be. Rewriting your whole relationship and wanting her to ‘fit’ with the new you, when she had the old one for 12 years is wildly unfair.

Also, part of your journey should be realising that no one ‘makes’ you feel anything. You need to take responsibility for your own emotions. If you were dysfunctional before, chances are her dysfunction and yours worked on some level. That’s not her fault.

What kinds of issues do you want to have her ‘hear out’ and ‘validate’?

Exactly this. You have set off on a navel-gazing journey without her. It is almost bound to destabilise your relationship.

Whoever your therapist is they should recognize this. It is unprofessional not to do so.

And I have discovered that my marriage and also me carry a lots of resentment. It is a bot tough on your wife to suddenly find you are out there discussing your resentments towards her, while she is powerless - two against one. No wonder she is a bit touchy.

Might I suggest that you try and find a way forward that involves BOTH of you together. You cannot get so tied up in your own "journey" (such a silly term!) and leave your wife by the wayside, or expect her to meekly tag along with no power at her disposal.

TY78910 · 13/09/2025 10:34

OCDmama · 13/09/2025 09:32

You sound self obsessed and insufferable.

You want your wife to sit there and listen to your lectures on self discovery and then 'validate' your every vain little thought. If she doesn't do what you want you walk away.

Urgh.

That’s not the impression I get from OPs posts.

We don’t have the full extent of what it is that he needs to address but he has mentioned that whatever it is she shuts down, throws harsh words and walks away. He is in therapy and from the couple of sessions I’ve had in the past they do encourage you to try and communicate your feelings to the other party in order to work through your resentment. I get from his posts that that’s what’s driving his need to address it with her.

Relationships are hard work. People change and frustrations build. You can’t work through it without talking. If this post was written by a female, everyone would be jumping at the chance to say LTB, he is selfish and doesn’t listen to your needs, he is ignorant and puts himself first.

Mischance · 13/09/2025 11:54

But only one of them is receiving therapy and that therapy is telling him he has issues with his wife. She is suddenly getting loaded with unexpected stuff with no support of her own. Is it surprising she is being a bit wary?

It does not matter which way round it is - if she were a woman in therapy who then rounded on her husband the imbalance would be the same, and it would be equally unconducive to long term harmony.

TY78910 · 13/09/2025 11:59

Mischance · 13/09/2025 11:54

But only one of them is receiving therapy and that therapy is telling him he has issues with his wife. She is suddenly getting loaded with unexpected stuff with no support of her own. Is it surprising she is being a bit wary?

It does not matter which way round it is - if she were a woman in therapy who then rounded on her husband the imbalance would be the same, and it would be equally unconducive to long term harmony.

I agree hence why my first suggestion was to enrol in couples counselling so that the conversation is balanced, equal and pre-scheduled and not sprung up.

I just don’t agree that OP is insufferable, self obsessed and lecturing about self discovery - he’s literally come on to a predominantly female forum to seek advice on how to best approach her. Doesn’t seem selfish to me…