How to handle my mother

[pandarific]

Help, I need help managing my mother. My most recent thread is here:

Basically my mom shows all the signs of being a covert narcissist, is a doting grandparent to my children but is regularly rude to and critical of me, and will give the wide wounded disbelieving eyes if I ever try to call her on her behaviour.

After the thread above she’s sent me a text on Tuesday with a total non apology and another earlier breezily telling me all about what she was doing today, I’ve responded to neither and she’s just rung me now. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this?

Ideally I’d tell her she’s pissed me off with her attitude toward me, she’d apologise and not do it again, but satan is more likely to skate to work. We had plans for my kids to go visit her for a couple of days at Halloween - should I just rethink that completely now? IDK! I know my kids love going up there at Halloween as there is a big estate and they get lots of sweets and have a ball essentially, I trust her with them, but if we’ve had an argument she has form for saying something mean about me to them and then denying it.

My family of original is a bit of a tyre-fire, my parents are separated 20 years and my dad no longer talks to her, she has retired now and is sort-of a carer/helper to my sibling (abusive, likely ND) who I am NC with.

I know how pathetic it sounds to say that I am not able or willing to cut her off completely - she DOES love me though she doesn’t like me I don’t think as we are very very different, but she does adore the kids. My plan for when they get older and have their own views on things and thus run into her being a dick is to blame dementia / age / stick her in a home.

Any thoughts on how to handle this current situation without kicking off an argument/completely caving on sticking up for myself? I am bloody busy at the moment and I just do not want to get into anything with her.

I can't see your previous thread but can you just grey rock her? Send the kids if it suits you to get a break but if not, don't?

If she says something awful to them, just laugh it off when they get back. "Oh Granny, always saying silly things"

Keep your own contact with her to an absolute minimum and just talk about the weather?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5406114-my-mother-is-here?reply=147072897

How old are your children?

My kids are 4 and 6 (nearly 7).

Expect no kindness or validation from her, then none for your dc as they get older. Talk about the weather, anything bland. But essentially never expect her to be a mother to you. Self validate.

Even if you don't want to cut her off completely, surely you can massively reduce the time that you spend with her. Is she genuinely loving to your children or is it just performative so she can boast about being granny of the year?

Do you think that she will change as your kids get older and aren't as cute and maybe start to talk back? If she can't be nice to you though I don't think that she deserves to be around your children.

A highly impressionable age, then. The older one is probably already aware of the tension between you and your mother.

How to handle your mother though... I suppose the only thing you can do is to try and avoid topics she will home in on, and just talk about innocuous stuff. And if she starts to pick holes in something, then just smile and nod and agree with her, even if you don't. She can't disagree with you agreeing with her, can she?

Okay, I can do the mod and smile thing.

I’m not really sure how to respond to her texts/calls right now though. She knows I’m a bit pissed off I’m sure as usually I’d respond. Shall I just text something short and breezy?

Ok, read your other thread. This all sounds very familiar like my DM. I can only suggest low contact (I also won't go NC for various reasons), grey rocking and laughing at her silly pronouncements. "Chill time! I wish!" and pretending she is joking as ways I have coped. I still blow up over it occasionally but less frequently that I might (and very rarely at her, as that's just more fuel to her fire)

Okay I’ve just sent a breezy text pretending nothing happened. It’s just so depressing.

I am now going to have a beer.

If you want to stay in contact yes, just reply that's nice. Or sounds good. Or fantastic. I did say to mine once you don't like anything about me. My hair, my face, my clothes, my shoes, my home, my job. She was a bit taken aback for about three days. Then inserted into every subsequent conversation that some people are just paranoid and it's too much drink that does that. They will never be sorry or take any accountability.

If she has no respect for you she will eventually be the same with your kids also not good for your kids to see you being so disrespected. I cut my own mother off a couple of years ago and it is hard but honestly it has to be done. If they do not love you they will not love your children. Do not let your kids be treated by her the way you have been. End the cycle.

The thing is she DOES love me, and my kids. She’s just also very emotionally immature and rarely takes accountability. Occasionally though she surprises me, which is almost worse because I can’t ever say for sure if I’m being entirely 100% fair.

@pandarific look up narcissistic mothers.