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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not happy but can't leave!

5 replies

CrochetingandCoffee · 12/09/2025 09:58

Ive been with my partner for 14yrs and we have 3 children together. We have had a great relationship at times but I feel like over the last few years thing have not been great and we are more and more unhappy with each other. We bicker and argue a lot, but he doesn't think we do. We dont have a sex life as I dont want it, but he constantly has little digs at me about sex, how horny he is ect. He will often blame me or the kids for how he is feeling (you are making me angry) and talks to me with very little respect at times, I can't disagree with him and he'll tell me im "always having a go at him for nothing". He had issues with his mental health a few years ago( we also feel he has ADHD) and I feel this is where the relationship broke down. He was becoming very anxious and would be paranoid, accuse me of cheating, check my phone, was angry about me owning a vibrator, would question if the books I was reading had sex scenes in them and question how I new men on my FB friends list ect. I ended up deleting all my FB friends, throwing away my vibrator and lived in a state of constant alert and anxiety about him thinking I was up to no good. He saw the Dr and was put on medication which helped but he still sometimes has these feeling he admits, I also still have trauma from this time in my life and feel on edge around him sometimes. I've often thought of leaving but feel guilty because when we are happy its good and we have a lovely little family, I feel bad for the kids but I also have no money as I don't work and he controls all the finances (other than Child benefits which go into my bank each month and I use this for clothing the kids) I have no friends i can turn to for support and no family. I'm lonely, lost and stuck and dont know what to do.
Any words of support or advise would be very much welcome.

OP posts:
Beachtastic · 12/09/2025 10:10

I ended up deleting all my FB friends, throwing away my vibrator and lived in a state of constant alert and anxiety about him thinking I was up to no good.

He controls all the finances and you have no friends for support... how much has he influenced you ending up so isolated, OP? Did you find yourself not daring to socialise in case it upset him?

I've often thought of leaving but feel guilty because when we are happy its good and we have a lovely little family

A man who is jealous of a plastic toy is not going to be rational when your children are old enough to start gaining independence. Don't put them through this misery too.

If you stay with him, how do you think your life together will be when the children have left home? Can you see your happiness expanding, or contracting? I think we can guess which...

CrochetingandCoffee · 12/09/2025 11:59

I do think he has influenced how much i have friends, I want to add people back onto my FB but I dont because I know he will ask why have and I don't want an argument about it. He doesn't really socialise and he sees to feel like we only need each other but that's not healthy as far as I'm concerned. I need friends but I dont even know how to get them. I'd like to get a job(not only for some money but also the socialisation aspect of it) but he works two jobs so that leaves me no time to get one as I have to be home to look after the kids. I've told him I would get a job on an evening and he stay with the kids but he doesn't want to do that because he earns more money than I would. Deep down I resent him for this because it just feels like another way of him stopping me from interacting with anyone else.

OP posts:
EuclidianGeometryFan · 12/09/2025 12:49

It is always possible to leave if you really want to.
Some women flee, in secret, with their children, to women's shelters for survivors of domestic abuse.

I think you are in an abusive relationship, and should seriously consider making plans to end it.
When you get to that point, there will be loads of help on these boards for you.
You might also contact Women's Aid.
You just have to make up your mind to do it and then reach out for help.

Omgblueskys · 12/09/2025 16:30

Op how old are the children,

The home, mortgage or rental,

Lmnop22 · 12/09/2025 17:00

I would tell him you’re reconnecting with your friends because you’re sick of being isolated. If it’s an argument then so be it but don’t back down and don’t let him control you (unless he’s ever been physically abusive or there’s a risk of that).

Could you both work and just put the kids in breakfast club/after school club/nursery? Get you back some independence or financial freedom to see if that helps?

If none of these options are viable then start looking for refuges you can flee to and just get out at all costs. Once there you can seek help getting UC and a house and getting back on your feet.

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