How normal is this? Grandparent contact

[Squishascot]

In the past 7 months my DM has asked after my DC once. That was back in June and it was two very specific questions, so not a general open question that would lead to further conversation. She didn't acknowledge the answer, just changed the subject. This is generally how our contact is. I will sometimes send photos or tell her some info about DC, but she doesn't acknowledge it, just talks about something else or doesn't reply at all.

I have not spoken to her on the phone in all this time. Contact is purely through WhatsApp. I have my reasons for keeping her at arms length, but do you think these are the actions of someone who wants a relationship with her grandchildren? Or a very clear sign that they have checked out?

How often do you speak to her yourself? What was your relationship like pre-children?

A grandparent’s relationship with their grandchildren is really just an extension of their relationship with their children. If you weren’t close before grandkids then you don’t suddenly become close afterwards.

All grandparents are different. My mum was never interested in my kids, hasn’t seen them in 2 years, my brother’s children she has weekly contact with.

Read the op again - clearly says she hasn't spoken to her at all.

As I said I haven't spoken to her on the phone. She doesn't answer, so I've stopped trying. I message her to check in now and again, about once or twice a month I will start a conversation, ask how she is, maybe send a photo of DC or give her any necessary updates. It's what I'm getting in return that is the issue.

Before DC were born and when they were little I would speak to her on the phone almost weekly.

If you are only in contact yourselves a couple times a month via message then you’re not particularly close, so I wouldn’t have expected her to have a close relationship with her grandchildren when she doesn’t even have that with her own daughter.

If you would like to be closer you could try to have a proper chat to her about that though? It is hard when parents aren’t the people you hopes they would be.

Perhaps she has given up . . .

If she doesn't have a fulfilling relationship with you then emotionally caring for her grandchild is always going to cause angst because she can't have a close loving relationship with said child. Sounds as if she might be protecting herself.

I have no inclination to become closer to my mum. That ship sailed years ago. In order to protect myself. I just wondered what was considered 'normal' from a grandparent point of view and I'm asking now because she has asked to visit.

I have had to say no because we aren't in the country on the very specific dates she wants to come. So she's gone from not paying any interest at all, to suddenly deciding she will visit for a week. And yet I am now the bad person because we are unavailable.

Sounds like my MIL but she's very good at playing the amazing GM to her friends she just doesn't actually bother with her GC.

My DH has just stopped chasing or trying. Of he gets any grief from other family he simply states a phone works both ways and so does relationships. They are built not automatic which requires actual effort.

Honestly you will be far happier leaving her to be as she is showing you already that she takes no interest.

My DCs don't miss or speak about their granny. They are always excited and ask to speak to my mum because she calls twice a week and makes the effort.

Given that your own relationship with your mum doesn’t fall into what I would consider to be “normal” I’m not sure why you think her role as a grandmother would be any different.

If your unavailable your unavailable simple as really! Your not the bad guy she expects you to drop everything and not be busy well life doesn't work like that.

My MIL doesn't stay with us if she visits (last one was 6 years ago!)

It's my mum who thinks this is perfectly normal, not me. I think this is fucked up. Just wondered what an outsider might think. My MiL thinks its really odd too.