Struggling with my mum since having a baby - anyone else been through this?

[FrogsAndFrogs]

I had a baby under a year ago and it's brought a lot of issues with my mum to the surface.

While she shows no real care or support towards me, she’s borderline obsessed with my son. She has quite a few health/mobility problems (though she refuses to acknowledge them or get the help she needs), and despite this, she's desperate to look after my very active baby on her own - which honestly isn’t safe and feels a bit odd.

She constantly questions how I parent, offers outdated advice and undermines me often - it’s exhausting.

Growing up, life was pretty turbulent with my parents and while she was okay when we were little, she became very emotionally unavailable as we got older. There were also times when we weren’t kept particularly safe from other members in the household, which is especially frustrating considering her profession.

I’ve tried to help her over the years, she's clearly not happy, but she refuses to acknowledge her issues or take accountability for anything. It’s really odd as my Nan is so different to her and is a very caring person.

Now I’m stuck, seeing and speaking to her makes me feel awful but I also feel guilty and know I should try and help her more, even when I’m so depleted myself.

I’m really resentful. I want support, but I know she’s not capable of giving it in a way that’s safe or healthy for any of us. I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar with their own parent, especially after becoming one yourself?

Thanks if you’ve read this far, just feeling a bit lost.

Hi OP, you don't say what specific help and support your mum needs - obviously with a young baby you're not in a position to provide it, could you put in place carers or a cleaner or whatever it is she needs?

I think you're reasonable to not allow her to look after your son if her health issues prevent her from being able to do that safely, and you need to be honest with her about why you can't allow it.

Unfortunately, it's quite common for mums to give parenting advice, even if it's outdated and you don't agree - it's best to largely ignore or just tell them firmly and cheerfully that advice has changed and you're doing it your way. Accept that the older generation think they know best, ignore the advice and don't let it get to you. You can't change her but you can control how you react and how much you let it bother you.

Becoming a parent stirs up alot of feeling about your own childhood

you need to read up on boundaries and start putting some in place

trust your gut

you don’t owe her

you must always prioritise what is best for you and the baby

good luck and remember
you are the mum
you are in charge
this is your life

and stand up for yourself now

Read the book you wish your parents had read by Philippa Perry. Not sure I rate her 100% or everything she says in this book but the book is helpful. She explains how parenting your own child brings up things from your own childhood. That doesn’t directly help with practical things but I think it’s helpful to understand your relationship with your mum better and hopefully saying no to her might be easier/less conflicted then.

Do not rely on her for support.
You need different support. 🤔
She needs some support herself, which you cannot give.
If she chooses not to take other support (cleaner/carer) then that is HER problem alone.
You cannot help someone who does NOT want to be helped.
Trust me, I have had this experience myself. It doesn't end well 😔

Set boundaries. Dont tell her of the boundaries, SHOW her them through action.

Your son is not her lets have a second go around chance as a mother figure.
She has already been a mum and she had her time 💯
Now her role has changed to one of a grandmother, who you can visit if you wish. 😇
If she does not follow this boundary and tries to run rough shot over you, then stop visiting. ✋️
Actions speak louder than words.
She needs to stay in her lane.

Do not put your sons safety at risk, because of her needs that make you feel any ounce of guilt. No.
Your sons needs come first. Not Nan's needs.
Period.

Edited to say, I hope you're okay 🫂

She probably sees your son as her parenting do over. This is about her, not you and not your son. And yes, becoming a parent really stirs up things from childhood.

Just keep really strong boundaries. I would see her a bit less and grey rock since she's trying to undermine you. Laugh at the outdated advice and shut it down. Following outdated advice is not what's best for your son. If she was so obsessed, she would have done some reading about up to date childcare.

She can't look after him because she's got physical issues that make her an unsafe caregiver. That she wants to do something not in his best interests shows this is still about her rather than your son. If it was about your son, she'd acknowledge she can't provide safe care and is not up to date with current childcare practices.

You're still a fairly new mom and it's ok to put your needs and your son's need ahead of your mom. That first year is physically exhausting. You need support and don't have anything left over in your physical and emotional bank to give her.

Thank you so much for this!!! I honestly feel so much better now and I’m going to put those boundaries in place like a boss ❤️

Thank you so much! I’m going to definitely do some grey rocking ❤️

There were also times when we weren’t kept particularly safe from other members in the household
She didn’t safeguard her own children, so she can’t be trusted to safeguard yours. For this and many other reasons, she isn’t a suitable person to look after your baby.

Your baby’s welfare and happiness are your priorities now, not her wants.

Please try to talk yourself out of feeling guilty. You are not obliged to do what she wants and she isn’t entitled to any more time with you and your baby than you’re comfortable with.