Hi All,
New user looking for some advice. Taken a few days to pluck up courage to write this and ask.
Some background, we previously separated in 2018, my wife saying she wasn’t sure in love with me any more – we agreed we wouldn’t see new people during this separation, and lived apart for 3 months which had an impact on our kids, especially the 2 younger ones mental health.
My wife of 25 years has today said she has viewed me as a friend for the last 5 years (there has been no intimacy in this 5 years – partly due to lack of desire / poor communication / different bed times etc). I tried to initiate intimacy on Monday which is when she said she no longer sees me this way, I’m a friend rather than a lover.
Based on finances and the impact on the kids (now 21, 16, 12), my wife has suggested we continue to live together as we have for the past 5 years until the kids are all older and moving on. I had suggested sleeping on the couch however she wants us to remain sharing a bed for ‘normality’. We have agreed a 2 month trial to see how this goes.
We have discussed a little on how this will work and she has said that while we remain ‘married’ she wont be having any lovers as she would consider this being unfaithful. There has never been any question of either party cheating or being disloyal and I believe this will continue.
I've started an evening discussion each night to ask how she is and to discuss any thoughts that have come up re the situation. She is receptive to this however did also add that we spoke about better communication during the 2018 break and didn’t stick to it. – I think for this unique situation to work we will need strong communication. Ive made it clear that I don’t want us to separate. I think its partly due to lifes just got in the way of us getting time together
Being totally open I’ve dropped the ball here, I do love her and she is the only one I want. I acknowledge 5 years is a long time and I wish id addressed it sooner – I am super easy going and need a push to do anything which also leads to the wife taking charge of most house management however she does thrive on it, with me as the kids driver.
Both of us ain’t very emotional and don’t really go in for romantic gestures and she does hide her thoughts and feelings well.
I suppose the questions I have are
Has anyone ever made this living together but being separate thing work? ( with no one knowing)
And has anyone ever been in a similar situation and turned things around? ( maybe hoping beyond hope with parallels of 2018 with no Boyf/Girlf and her reference to trying to communicate better in 2018)
Appreciate any responses, TIA