My husband loves Alcohol

[Nikocapable]

Hi guys,
I need some constructive advice on this matter. Husband and I have been together since we were 18, now 35 with 3 wonderful children. Over the years my husband drank to socialise, however 9yrs ago he befriended someone who I would consider a function alcoholic. This brought some issues into our marriage as I noticed my husband started drinking quiet alot. Whenever I spoke about the issue, he would turn the whole thing around and make me the problem. Over the years he has blamed me for his drinking as it has become an everyday thing. Now I have stopped talking about it, he isolates himself everyday after work and basically just drink until he passes out. Lately I've notice that he carries so much hate towards the kids and I, making it seem like we are a burden. The children are starting to get affected by the behaviours as he get very angry at times and just criticises every small thing. He also becomes extremely disrespectful in front of the kids. Whenever I speak to him about this, he would blame his drinking and behaviours on me, then give me and the kids the silent treatment. I'm exhausted, I feel drained, always walking on eggshells cos I'm not sure what mood he's in. Now I'm feeling bad for my kids, I'm thinking if this is how I feel as an adult, the what about my kids. I'm thinking of leaving the marriage, but I would like to know if anyone has been through similar thing and if it gets easier as a single parent.

Please call the family anonymous helpline, they are totally anonymous and free
They are for families of addicts.
They also have a forum
Not sure if you want to reveal where you live or dm but I can share some good recovery services for families of addicts.
You are not alone ,addiction affects all the family.
They can help give you the strength to either leave or work as a family.
These services help you set boundaries

I'm in Australia

It sounds like you are essentially a single parent already.
How would your housing/financial situation be ? Its not going to get easier with him. He doesnt sound like he realises or cares that its a problem.
We have a few male family members like this. All are now divorced. I dont think you can have a good relationship when so dependant on alcohol.
Also it may start him on to a path to quiting if you split up.

Wow didn't expect that
Ok check out the family anonymous website and forum.
You are not to fault for his drinking . Have you spoken to his family about this such as parents or siblings x

Addicts always blame other people for their addictions. "You're awful, so I have to drink"; "the kids' bedrooms are a mess, it's no wonder I need a drink"; "you drive me to drink"; etc etc.

Leave. Obviously he'll use that - "I drink because you left me", but there must be some organisation in Australia that supports the families of alcoholics - they will help you through it.

Family anonymous and al anonymous are world wide
I have attended on line snd face to face meetings x

I would definitely leave. It doesn't sound like he wants to be in the marriage anyway and you and your children deserve better.

al-anonuk.org.uk
I see you're in Australia, but there are online Meetings worldwide. Best of luck

I'm sorry but your only option is to leave. He'll either take losing you as a wake up call to get help or he won't but either way it won't be your fault. He is in the trenches of alcoholism with no insight. You must protect yourself and get your children away from him. I have good friends who grew up with alcoholic parents and have unfortunately been deeply damaged by it.

Al Anon is very active over here.

Yes I have, and yes it was a thousand times easier as a single parent.

My (ex) DH wasn't mean to the children like yours. He could be mean to me. But mostly he became unreliable, unpredictable, didn't pull his weight, told lies. Basically the alcohol becamse his nr 1 relationship.

I worried he would drink and drive, especially with the DCs in the car. I didn't know what his mood would be when I came home every day. I found empty and half empty bottles hidden around the house and garden.

Life was so much easier afterwards.

I urge you to prioritise your children and yourself. When I finally left, it was because I realised it was damaging for the DCs, and that included the fact that it was eroding who I was... I was becoming a different person myself, a shell. And that wasn't good for my children.

I quickly became my old self again once we left.

Thank you so much for the advice ladies. Tbh I feel like a single mother in the relationship. I also feel like I have lost my sense of self which is making me anxious about leaving the relationship and starting over. I guess fear of the unknown is also there knowing very well that nothing much will change for me and the kids anyway. The only change will be not having him in the house. Also I did not come from a broken family, so the shame of even telling my siblings about this is making me nervous. In my line of work (family case management) things like this are very common just never thought it would be me and my children. The advice you've all given me is the same I would give to my clients if I see any form of abuse. I don't known why I stayed this long, not sure why it's hard to take my own advice. Honestly I just feel so hopeless 😔 but I also know that enough is enough

Ive just divorced from my exH because of this. Hes a great guy during the day but as soon as hes had a drink hes angry, argumentative, slamming doors, horrible to me (calling me names in front of kids), horrible to kids (not being a responsible parent/petty version calling them little shits, no patience). We would all keep out of his way, id keep the kids from setting him off and walk on egg shells constantly. He is and has always been a very selfish person. Barely did fair share of house cleaning/parenting duties. I was a single mum for years tbh. He was more focussed on his mates and nights out (i was so boring apparently 🙄). Now hes gone, literally dont miss him. He was mostly in another room shut away from us drinking. Its really not made much of a difference to us practically but since hes left, yes im skint but the atmosphere is so much better. We are happy. I should’ve done this earlier. We were together from me being 17 as well. Im 44 now. he drank daily, hidden mostly during the week (but you can tell in their face/smell), thurs-sun open drinking id say in total around 70-80 units a week. His kids are not bothered about seeing him, although i encourage it, they say they dont want to if im not there 🤷🏻‍♀️ its a sad situation hes got himself into. He would always have an excuse too- footballs on, meeting X after work, trauma of traffic jams on way home, hes eating a curry etc etc. first a man takes a drink, then the drink takes the man

You've endured his behaviour for a long time, and it's not getting any better, if anything it's getting worse. No, of course you and your children aren't to blame for his drinking. Addicts blame everyone else for their issues, and take no responsibility for their own behaviour. It doesn't sound as if your husband accepts he's an alcoholic, let alone accepts he needs professional help. For the sake of your children, you need to end your marriage and walk away. It's not your job or responsibility to 'fix' your husband. I'm not saying life as a single parent won't be hard, but at the moment, life is much much harder for you. You will feel a sense of relief once you do leave.

There's a long running pair of threads on the alcohol board where you'll find me and a lot of women like me who have been exactly where you are now.

My DC were 15 and 17 when my late husband crashed and burned - I should have left him two years earlier, but like you I wanted to make the marriage work, I had hope that he would find recovery, and my parents had a long, solid marriage. I started the divorce process when he relapsed - into both drinking and lying about it, with the latter being the clincher - 2 weeks after coming out of rehab. Then that Christmas, he drank himself into a rage and threatened to kill me, and I called the police on him. They supported me in not allowing him back into the home. 8 months later, he was dead.

Having an alcoholic for a parent traumatises children. The best thing you can do is get out. And there's a lot of support out there - come over to our thread, but also seek help IRL. Leaving will be tough, but 8 years on I can honestly say that life without an alcoholic in it is wonderful - peaceful, happy, settled.

You will only stop feeling hopeless when this albatross is off your back. Free yourself and your children from his abuse. Often abusers will drink in order that they can use it as an excuse for abuse. It is not an excuse. He should not get away with blaming it on you either. So please get away from this hell. Clearly, he is not going to change.

This sounds very much like us right now. How scary, hearing this just confirms that the change I long for and I've prayed for may never come. Thank you for sharing your life experience. Can I ask how you ended things? Did you seat him down and have the conversation or you had to get things in place for yourself and the kids first? Did this help him make some changes for the sake of the kids? @LivingWithANob

Thank you everyone for the advice. I've decided it's time for me to move on with my life. Does anyone have any advice on how to do so amicably? I feel like I need to get things in place for myself and the kids before telling him so that I don't fall for his manipulation again. This time I need to leave

Please please please contact the family anonymous helpline. They can offer you some practical and safe advice
It's a free service for families of addicts

It's unlikely that an abusive drunk will be willing to be amicable. Prepare yourself for the rough road ahead. You need a lawyer and a support team. Do you have friends or relatives you can lean on? Life as a single mother will probably be hard, at least at first, but not nearly as hard as life with him.