I feel terrible and really would like my life recorded for a while to see if it’s my mental health or my hubby 😂.
Background which I think is important-I lived with my grandparents since a baby as mum was an alcoholic. My nan was a very controlling person her daughters didn’t have a relationship with her. I did as I’m a people pleaser and I just wanted to please her all the time and if I didn’t she would ignore/shout etc. However my personality type I can’t hold a grudge I literally forget. I just keep going back trying to please with a smile 🫣.
She passed away 2 years ago sadly. I think since my eyes have been opening.
i met my hubby at 16 I’m 40 now, married and have 4 kids all with additional needs. It’s been full on.
When we first dated he hated me with other men, and use to pop in while I worked to check up on me..
about 12 years ago I gave up work and a carer to the kids.
covid he starts working from him. This is when things started to get hard.
Now this man, his helpful, he never goes out, he spends his money on the kids etc. His great.
However he has no friends, he won’t see his family he goes no where. He follows me
around all day, I’m constantly left feeling guilty. If the kids are not needing my attention he feels that attention should all be on him. So for me it’s the kids and then him and that’s it.
The last 6 months I have been asking for space and the more I do the less his gives.
A example, is I have asked if I can some evening sit up stairs in bed and watch my own tv or just be on my own, he got very upset and then said yes as long as I don’t text other people. I have not done this yet, however one morning I can down early as was in pain and couldn’t sleep and went and played a game, he then got very angry and said I shouldn’t be down stairs and he should be the one making me feel better and I shouldn’t be on a game. And how that makes him feel.
I have also made friends on there which now he has taken an interest in but he will get angry if I don’t reply or like every thing he writes. This was a safe space my space and I no longer have it. (Social game platform). I have met a male friend (widowed priest who has no romantics interests) however do we get on we really make each other laugh. His introduced me to his family online, Im
not allowed to introduce mine or call him on the phone. I’m only suppose to message a few times a day. I have no family now may nan has passed and this man although in a different country makes me feel like I do have family.
My husbands acts like I’m disabled constantly asking if I’m ok. Yet won’t do anything on his own. He gets angry if his left to cook dinner/unpack bags/clean the cars. I have to do everything with him. When I cook dinner he will come in and watch.
He does care and wouldn’t hurt a fly. There is so much more I could write. He somehow makes me feel I’m being the controlling one by saying sorry if he feels his done something wrong yet doesn't say sorry for the things that upset me. I’m actually starting to think he knows the guilt tripping works as that’s how my nan controlled me? He also does the silence treatment.
I have tried and tried and tried to explain but for the first time in my life I want freedom. I want my kids and me to be able to do what we want. I feel selfish. I just have this urges to be on my own in charge or my own life . I don’t ever want another man 😂, I want the freedom to talk to to other men but I never want to be with one. I want to be independent. But I’m being selfish